I have been watching you all very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, normally I would be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all the gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we have some problems here at the North Pole--
the 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords-a-leaping have knocked up the 8 maids-a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans-a-swimming.
The 6 geese-a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 tutle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird s**t.
On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, and the elves have joined the gay liberation movement.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my s**t together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your a**es down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone.