Graduate Nurse, depressed, anxious, unsatisfied

[Mrs.SB]

Hello, I'm a graduate nurse and have been working on a med/surg oncology floor for 4 months now where the patient ratio is 6:1. I absolutely hate it I find myself becoming more depressed, extremely anxious, and wishing that I never got into nursing which makes me sad. I've read so many threads and I see that some people feel the same and are going through some of the same things I'm going through. I know for sure that I do not enjoy Med/Surg or Oncology and I have a great respect for the nurses who were made for these two areas, unfortunately it's just not me. I find myself crying before work I get so anxious and worked up I practically have panic attacks and my husband has to calm me down. I don't even enjoy my days off because I'm constantly worrying about the things that I didn't get done and dreading the fact that I have to go back to work. These feelings overwhelm me.

I know the first year is supposed to be the hardest for nurses but I constantly wonder if its just because its my first year or if I really was not made to do this. So many times I feel completely dumb and like I'm pretty much just faking that I know what I'm doing. I hate that my nights are so busy with six very sick very needy patients that I don't have time to slow down and get to know my patients or give them the care they deserve. I'm always worrying that I have horrible assessment skills and I'm missing things but most of the time I don't even have time to fully assess them and definitely don't ever have time to go through their chart unless I show up to work an hour early.

What scares me too is I'll come home after my couple shifts and all the sudden I start remembering all the things I forgot to chart or forgot to do and the only thing I can think is some nurse auditor is auditing my charting (maybe this is an irrational fear) but with six very sick patients most with q3-q4 pain/nausea meds who want their meds around the clock every 3 and 4 hours, I forget or don't have time to chart pain assessments before I give meds or I completely forgot to chart that we were turning a patient every two hours who has a huge sacral wound which now it just looks negligent because if it's not charted it didn't happen right? That's just two examples there's many more but those are things I should not be forgetting. I constantly fear being sued and someone going back through my charting and seeing everything I forgot to chart. When I'm home I replay it over and over in my head till it makes me sick. I know I don't have my time management skills or critical thinking skills anywhere close to where they need to be as a nurse. But are these normal feelings? These fears of my charting? These feelings of hating being a nurse? Trying to accept that I can't give the best patient care when I have 6 very sick very needy patients?

Now I know things will take time and I just need to work on this stuff but is this normal to forget stuff like this?