Already Frustrated and Overwhelmed

[jadedRN04]

I self-reported to ISNAP(Indiana State Nurses Assistance Program) on Jan. 26 2010. I have had a drinking problem for the last three years that has been limited to drinking up to 2 days/ week on my days off ( I have 4 days off per week). I have never driven after drinking and have never worked impaired. Never have had so much a s a parking ticket in my life. I drank alone at home. I have never drank within 24 hrs of a shift. Never the less I felt that it is a problem and wanted to seek help. I really wanted to seek help on my own but figured I would have to be reported to the BON once I was found to be a nurse...so I went ahead and contacted ISNAP.

I was evaluated by a substance abuse counselor who felt that I was a "problem drinker" and he didn't feel like I was yet into an addiction....at least that is what he told me. Apparently I am alcohol dependent.

ISNAP called me yesterday to let me know the terms of my RMA: Monitoring for 3 YEARS! AA meetings 3/week with a sponser, UDS 20/year at $80/test, I have to see an addictionist quarterly, worksite monitor( had already notified my boss when I called ISNAP on 1/26), continued counseling at $100/week.

My only solace is that I have a license that is completely intact and still have a good job and a supportive husband.

I know that I have it pretty good and I don't mean to sound like a whiner...I just needed to vent as I feel that this is going to be such a huge undertaking and I am so afraid that if I forget to call in one day or can't get to a meeting that I will end up losing my nursing license. I really feel like I went about this the wrong way and now I'm stuck. I honestly can say that I would never put a patient in harms way or anyone else for that matter.

Just overwhelmed right now....any words of wisdom?

Thanks.

[jackstem]

My only solace is that I have a license that is completely intact and still have a good job and a supportive husband.

I honestly can say that I would never put a patient in harms way or anyone else for that matter.

Just overwhelmed right now....any words of wisdom?

Thanks.

You are correct, you do have some significant blessings in your life. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get through this. It's normal to feel fear about the unknown, especially when it can have a huge detrimental impact on our lives. There are many, many people who have been where you are. Some used alcohol, others have used a variety of mood altering substances. This disease is progressive. Without help, the addict's disease will progress. The rapidity of progression is determined by your particular genetic allele and the substance you abuse. With alcohol it can take 15 - 20 years before you reach the level of deterioration that I reached in 5 - 6 months. My drugs of "choice" were fentanyl and sufentanil. The average rate of decline with those meds are 3 - 6 months. The bottom line is that without a solid program for remaining in recovery, your disease will advance, and at some point, you will put patients and others at risk. Not because you choose to, but because the disease eventually takes away your ability to control your use.

I never thought I would become addicted to anything. I only became drunk twice in my life. Hated the feeling. Never tried marijuana in any form. Have never tried cocaine or any other illegal substance. Never had more than a traffic violation. I hated the addicts that would show up in the ER where I worked as an RN. Never did I realize I would become dependent on opioids. Chronic pain eventually became bad enough that I was using pain medication more frequently. Eventually I had a spinal fusion, but not before my addiction was triggered. Within 5 short months, I almost committed suicide (it was the only course that made sense in my messed up brain) and was diverting and using several times a day everyday. I never thought I would ever put a patient, family member or strangers in danger...yet as my disease progressed, that's exactly what I did!

It took you courage to do what you did. And while you're having second thoughts, I'm proud of the guts you displayed. Do what ISNAP recommends. Focus on your recovery. Learn as much about the disease as you can. Learn as much about relapse as possible and develop a plan to deal with that very real possibility. This disease has nothing to do with willpower or "strong moral character". It has everything to do with a chronic, progressive, ultimately fatal if untreated disease.

Feel free to PM anytime.

Jack

[jadedRN04]

Thank you all for your replies.:)

I have taken this last month and have immersed myself into my recovery. I have a sponser and attend all my AA meetings. My substance abuse counselor is a recovering alcoholic and has been very good at helping me to better understand where I am at in my disease and how I got here in the first place. We are now working on relapse prevention. I had my first UDS which I thought would be a humiliating ordeal, but it was no big thing.

Again, thank you all for your words of encouragement. I know that if I continue to do the right things and give myself to my recovery I will get better.:)

[bucksnut1981]

yes the situation does suck and it is hard to find a job when on probation with the board. At least you don't have narc rescritons or anything. It was very brave of you to notify the board with your problem.....hind sight is 20/20... they probalby would have never found out if you didnn't tell them. Everything in rehad is confidential from what i was told when i went through it...i was diverting from work and was told on and if you are doing this you will probably be discovered and reported so it is best in this situation to telll on yourself....but with no dui's or any criminal behavior you can probably get help without bering reported......good luck and take it ond day at a time

[jadedRN04]

Bucksnut, Thanks for your reply.:) I did not report myself to the board of nursing. I contacted my state's nurses assistance program for help. The board of nursing knows nothing of my dealings with the assistance program and they won't as long as I remain compliant with my recovery monitoring agreement. My license is not on probation and I have no restrictions whatsoever. I am blessed that I have a great job in nursing and my employer is fully supportive. I was definitely feeling a little scared and alot sorry for myself in my initial post.

Even though I will be in the program for three years I have to remember the despiration I felt the day that I contacted ISNAP(Indiana State Nurses Assistance Program). I have come to realize that I am sicker than I wanted to admit initially. Thankfully, I did not need detox or inpatient rehab, though if I did, I'm pretty sure they would be bound by law to let the BON know since I would be a nurse seeking treatment and that would be considered a public safety issue. I'm not sure that therapy and AA alone would be enough for me anyway. I need the accountability that this program requires.

Best wishes to you!

[jadedRN04]

Finished my monitoring agreement today. Things can and do get better.

[TXRN2]

huge congratulations!! what an accomplishment!! best wishes for your life, continued recovery....take care & may God bless you!!