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- Mar 3, '10 by louisianaladyHi Anne i would love to talk to you. Iam going crazy with worry I too am really tired right noe working third shift as a cashier and is kicking my butt I think the shame is the biggest thing on me right now. Will write more when I wake up.Friend in LA
- Mar 7, '10 by DirtyBlackSocksYou should be commended for turning yourself in and realizing the problem before letting it affect your life in a more negative manner.
So for that alone, you are a strong and intelligent person.
I know of plenty of people who drink more than two days out of the week and think they have no problems whatsoever.
Whenever you are frustrated, just keep in mind why you self reported in the first place. It is for yourself, and to get a better lifestyle.
If cleaning up were an easy process, everyone would be doing it. Stick to your guns and always remember that strong person who saw the problems early and self reported. You are your own pillar of strength.
Good luck, it sounds like you will do fine.
- Mar 14, '10 by jackstemQuote from RN4HUGSYou are correct, you do have some significant blessings in your life. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get through this. It's normal to feel fear about the unknown, especially when it can have a huge detrimental impact on our lives. There are many, many people who have been where you are. Some used alcohol, others have used a variety of mood altering substances. This disease is progressive. Without help, the addict's disease will progress. The rapidity of progression is determined by your particular genetic allele and the substance you abuse. With alcohol it can take 15 - 20 years before you reach the level of deterioration that I reached in 5 - 6 months. My drugs of "choice" were fentanyl and sufentanil. The average rate of decline with those meds are 3 - 6 months. The bottom line is that without a solid program for remaining in recovery, your disease will advance, and at some point, you will put patients and others at risk. Not because you choose to, but because the disease eventually takes away your ability to control your use.
My only solace is that I have a license that is completely intact and still have a good job and a supportive husband.
I honestly can say that I would never put a patient in harms way or anyone else for that matter.
Just overwhelmed right now....any words of wisdom?
I never thought I would become addicted to anything. I only became drunk twice in my life. Hated the feeling. Never tried marijuana in any form. Have never tried cocaine or any other illegal substance. Never had more than a traffic violation. I hated the addicts that would show up in the ER where I worked as an RN. Never did I realize I would become dependent on opioids. Chronic pain eventually became bad enough that I was using pain medication more frequently. Eventually I had a spinal fusion, but not before my addiction was triggered. Within 5 short months, I almost committed suicide (it was the only course that made sense in my messed up brain) and was diverting and using several times a day everyday. I never thought I would ever put a patient, family member or strangers in danger...yet as my disease progressed, that's exactly what I did!
It took you courage to do what you did. And while you're having second thoughts, I'm proud of the guts you displayed. Do what ISNAP recommends. Focus on your recovery. Learn as much about the disease as you can. Learn as much about relapse as possible and develop a plan to deal with that very real possibility. This disease has nothing to do with willpower or "strong moral character". It has everything to do with a chronic, progressive, ultimately fatal if untreated disease.
Feel free to PM anytime.
- Mar 15, '10 by RN4HUGSThank you all for your replies.
I have taken this last month and have immersed myself into my recovery. I have a sponser and attend all my AA meetings. My substance abuse counselor is a recovering alcoholic and has been very good at helping me to better understand where I am at in my disease and how I got here in the first place. We are now working on relapse prevention. I had my first UDS which I thought would be a humiliating ordeal, but it was no big thing.
Again, thank you all for your words of encouragement. I know that if I continue to do the right things and give myself to my recovery I will get better.
- Mar 16, '10 by bucksnut1981yes the situation does suck and it is hard to find a job when on probation with the board. At least you don't have narc rescritons or anything. It was very brave of you to notify the board with your problem.....hind sight is 20/20... they probalby would have never found out if you didnn't tell them. Everything in rehad is confidential from what i was told when i went through it...i was diverting from work and was told on and if you are doing this you will probably be discovered and reported so it is best in this situation to telll on yourself....but with no dui's or any criminal behavior you can probably get help without bering reported......good luck and take it ond day at a time
- Mar 16, '10 by RN4HUGSBucksnut, Thanks for your reply. I did not report myself to the board of nursing. I contacted my state's nurses assistance program for help. The board of nursing knows nothing of my dealings with the assistance program and they won't as long as I remain compliant with my recovery monitoring agreement. My license is not on probation and I have no restrictions whatsoever. I am blessed that I have a great job in nursing and my employer is fully supportive. I was definitely feeling a little scared and alot sorry for myself in my initial post.
Even though I will be in the program for three years I have to remember the despiration I felt the day that I contacted ISNAP(Indiana State Nurses Assistance Program). I have come to realize that I am sicker than I wanted to admit initially. Thankfully, I did not need detox or inpatient rehab, though if I did, I'm pretty sure they would be bound by law to let the BON know since I would be a nurse seeking treatment and that would be considered a public safety issue. I'm not sure that therapy and AA alone would be enough for me anyway. I need the accountability that this program requires.
Best wishes to you!