I graduated my RN program during the spring 2012 semester. Shortly after, I took the NCLEX and got my license! What a proud moment for me to finally be able to call myself an RN. I was then on my path to getting a job. I volunteered at multiple organizations, applied to what seemed like a million job posting, introduced myself to managers, and even landed two interviews - which is pretty tough to get here in California. New grad jobs in California are very rare. They only want "experience"! Well how does one get experience if nobody will hire them. Anyways..... I got off the subject. Sorry. So about 6 months of doing this..... I FINALLY got the call - I was offered my very first Nursing job on a Telemetry unit. I couldn't be more thrilled! All my hard work is finally paying off.
So I start out on my three month orientation. I worked 5 days a week with a preceptor and I felt as though my time management skills and growth were great! Each and every shift I learned more and did better than the previous days work. I even had some nurses say to me "you never seem stressed out - you seem to just flow with it." Then my orientation was over and I was on my own. At this point, I was not longer having to work 5 days a week, but was able to make my own schedule. First day was NERVE wrecking to say the least, because now it was all on me! I was the sole caregiver to these sick patients. At about 4 months in..... I started to get these feelings of not wanting to go - so I would put myself on the "call off list" with the hopes of being called off work due to census or overstaffed. Some days it worked and when it did I couldn't be more thrilled. Slowly, I started to feel no drive to go to work. I would wake up in the morning and prepare for my day. That consisted of anxiety and crying episodes. But I managed to go to work and make it through the night. As each shift came near and as time went on - I would be mentally and physically sick. Migraines before work that lasted through the night (and only the day I was to go to work).... I had no appetite and would eat very little..... at times I would throw up in the parking lot 30 minutes prior to starting my shift (and then having to put that fake smile like nothing happened)...... panic attacks during my shift..... and then crying spells before and after my shifts.
This is not what I signed myself up for. I know nursing is stressful and I know this is a huge demanding job. I will put it out there that by no means is this in regards to my patient care. I dont have those bad feeling about taking a patient load and doing my actual nursing duties (so I think). This is me getting physically sick to my stomach at the thought of going to work. I have seeked help from a therapist and I have had one session so far. I just dont know if they realize what Nurses do. I explained EVERYTHING i was saying and she basically said "your depressed... I think you should take some medicine". Well yea - I am depressed and I need to get to the root of this because I am physiologically having symptoms. I also have signed up for stress management and anxiety classes because I feel as though I could use some coping mechanisms. I have taken a leave of absence to find out what the true meaning of all of this is. This is my bodies way of saying something just isn't right. In the mean time, I am reaching out to other nurses for some advice. Have you ever experienced anything like this? Do you know of anyone that has and what did they do about it? I now only have 6 months experience and so I know its not burnout. haha. Maybe in the end - I was not meant to be a floor/tele nurse.
Thanks for listening and thanks for those that give me advice.
