Looking for feedback on my application nursing essay please :)

  1. I'm supposed to list A) my accomplishments
    B) reasons for choosing nursing as a profession
    C) Reasons for choosing Bonsecours nursing school
    D) Goals and plans

    Let me stress that this is a very preliminary first draft. It sounds choppy at this point because I still have a bit of elaborating to do, but I wanted to post it here now to get some opinions on it in case I need to change things around. I'm open to any and all constructive criticism that you're willing to give me, as I want this essay to really stand out. I'll go ahead and let you know that I'm not too thrilled with the opening of the essay, but I'm stuck as to how else I should open. Writers block I suppose. Thanks in advance for helping me out!
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    There are many accomplishments in my life that I'm proud of. One
    represents the first step into my adult life. After spending some time in
    college, I made the decision to join the Army. I wanted to become more
    independent and stop relying on my parents' money for college. I wasn't
    sure what field I wanted to pursue but I knew that going into the Army would would instill a strong work ethic as well as give me the tools I need to be a highly motivated person that knows the meaning of teamwork.

    Like any parent, I'm extremely proud of my children. I've been able to
    stay at home and care for them, which has always been a priority of mine.
    Knowing that they are happy, well behaved children is a source of
    satisfaction.

    Finally, I've continued my education, even while staying at home full time
    with my children. My progress has been steady, and I've been able to
    spend time thinking about the direction of my career.

    As I worked on the core classes necessary for almost every degree, I began
    to explore nursing as a career choice. My sister, brother in law, and
    sister in law are all nurses, so I've had an opportunity to learn about
    nursing from practicing professionals. Even though it can be a very
    difficult job, I feel that the benefits of caring for others will more
    than balance the scales.

    In addition, the time I spent in the hospital after having my children,
    and when my son was ill, gave me a greater appreciation for the difference
    the compassionate care of nurses can make in a patient's experience. The
    doctors often passed through very quickly, leaving the nurses to translate
    the care plan into more understandable terms. The nursing staff was the
    human face of the hospital.

    Nursing appeals to me because of the dynamic nature of the job. Each
    patient is different, and provides a unique opportunity to learn.
    Finally, the flexibility of nursing is very appealing, both in the variety
    of work environments, and in setting working hours. This is important to
    me as a working mother, because I feel that it's critical to be able to
    give my best to both patients and family.

    When I started examining my educational options, Bon Secours seemed like
    the clear choice. Bon Secours has an excellent reputation as a family
    friendly company, as shown by the placement in the 100 Best Companies for
    Working Mothers, and by being selected as a Favorite Place to Work if you
    have kids.

    The immediate hands-on experience and small class sizes also seem ideal in
    an educational setting. The flexibility of the part time course schedule
    is also important to me, as it allows me to balance my family and
    educational commitments.

    I'm looking forward to joining the Bon Secours School of Nursing. I feel
    I have a lot to offer, and if given a chance, I will excel as both a
    student and a nurse. I think the hands-on experience of clinicals will be
    a valuable opportunity to look at different aspects of nursing in order to
    choose my path more specifically. I am also exploring volunteer
    opportunities at St. Mary's Hospital as a first step toward getting
    involved in a medical setting.
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  2. 7 Comments

  3. by   np2b
    I just skimmed, but thought it sounded solid! The only suggestion that jumped out at me was in the sentence:

    "When I started examining my educational options, Bon Secours seemed like
    the clear choice. "

    I would be more confident in Bon Secours and say something like:

    "When I started examining my educational options, Bon Secours emerged as the ideal choice."

    Hope this helps. Good luck!
  4. by   kennedyrosey
    ....ahhhh, a Richmond-er!
  5. by   1styear
    Try not stress that you're a working mother, don't hide it--but where I go to school they like to think you have the time to be completely dedicated to school. Of course this is not true for most people because of outside responsibilities but it looks great if you stress how you have the time, devotion, energy and resources to commit to the program fully. This is not mu opinion but it's just what I've observed from our faculty.
  6. by   sleepymom
    Quote from np2b
    I just skimmed, but thought it sounded solid! The only suggestion that jumped out at me was in the sentence:

    "When I started examining my educational options, Bon Secours seemed like
    the clear choice. "

    I would be more confident in Bon Secours and say something like:

    "When I started examining my educational options, Bon Secours emerged as the ideal choice."

    Hope this helps. Good luck!
    Ah, excellent advice. Thanks so much!
  7. by   sleepymom
    Quote from 1styear
    Try not stress that you're a working mother, don't hide it--but where I go to school they like to think you have the time to be completely dedicated to school. Of course this is not true for most people because of outside responsibilities but it looks great if you stress how you have the time, devotion, energy and resources to commit to the program fully. This is not mu opinion but it's just what I've observed from our faculty.
    That's a good point and I actually thought about that. It's difficult to know what they'll be turned off by. :lol After reading over their website way too many times I decided to stress that balance between work and family, because they seem to pride themselves on that balance as well. They've received awards 5 years in a row from working mothers magazine.. I don't know, perhaps I'll cut back a little bit because your right, I don't want them to think I'm too wrapped up in my home life that I won't be an effective student. Thank you for your advice.
  8. by   1styear
    Quote from sleepymom
    That's a good point and I actually thought about that. It's difficult to know what they'll be turned off by. :lol After reading over their website way too many times I decided to stress that balance between work and family, because they seem to pride themselves on that balance as well. They've received awards 5 years in a row from working mothers magazine.. I don't know, perhaps I'll cut back a little bit because your right, I don't want them to think I'm too wrapped up in my home life that I won't be an effective student. Thank you for your advice.
    You're more familiar with what the school deems favorable. It's possible my school is an exception, I work only 12 hours a week but I have noticed some professors use other students outside responsibilities as some sort of vulnerable point or liability and when the student has the SLIGHTEST problem -I've heard they suggest maybe the student doesn't have the time to commit and that perhaps they should pursue it at a better time in their lives. This sounds horrible, it's not the trend in my program but I have heard it happen. Thought I would throw it out there. Good luck to you, your essay sounds great for what you decsribed about the school
  9. by   sleepymom
    Quote from 1styear
    You're more familiar with what the school deems favorable. It's possible my school is an exception, I work only 12 hours a week but I have noticed some professors use other students outside responsibilities as some sort of vulnerable point or liability and when the student has the SLIGHTEST problem -I've heard they suggest maybe the student doesn't have the time to commit and that perhaps they should pursue it at a better time in their lives. This sounds horrible, it's not the trend in my program but I have heard it happen. Thought I would throw it out there. Good luck to you, your essay sounds great for what you decsribed about the school
    Well I do think it's possible that the schools are different. As a matter of fact the school I'm trying to get in to has a part time program that allows 6 years to finish the 3 year nursing degree. It's specifically geared towards those who are trying to balance work and family. They also offer early morning and evening classes. I just hope I make it in!

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