Today's just one of those days when I'm doubting my entire life. I feel down, I feel incompetent and I feel like I'm not improving. It's just one of those days when I'm looking inside myself, reexamining her, and viewing her from another perspective.
Today didn't start off bad. It started off like any other day. Me wanting a few more hours to sleep, but eager to get to clinicals/work (I'm a student). Being absent wasn't even an option. I like the work I do. I get there, I'm early, I wait for my instructor. I finished all my assignments for this class weeks in advanced and so all I really had to do was enjoy the experience of the work I do. That's all I ever really ask.
I get to clinicals, my instructor shows up, someone who was suppose to leave the floor is unable to do so and so I agree to take her place. "her place" involved moving around the hospital with another nurse. I guess that's where the slope began.
As I walked around the hospital, I began noticing all the "type A" people that work there, all the doctors in their suits and cell phones, the residents trying to seem important, the ones who were so business-like or "professional" and I just felt...disappointed. I felt sad. And i started wondering if this was really what I wanted. I chose this profession because of my desire to give of myself. It wasn't about the business side of things. I HATE business. And I try to avoid it when I can. But sometimes I just feel like with my profession comes this status-oriented, business side of things that I've never been happy with. But I tried to bury that down. I have nothing to say. Words fail me. I'm shy.
I get back from this walk around the hospital, and I go to talk to my instructor for my evaluation and it was fine. I mean, I passed and it was nothing surprising. One thing stood out to me though and it was that I was asked, once again, to be more assuming in my role. This kind of disheartened me a bit and I'd like your feedback. I just don't know what else to do without feeling like I'm plowing down those who really are in that role. For me, even though I know I'm holding myself back, I feel like I'm being patient, considerate, and respectful because I'm always hearing the nurses complain about their workload and I don't want to overwhelm them with the way they complain. But I guess it comes off as unassuming and overly passive.
Just some insight please. I really do feel disheartened by this because I don't know how to be more assertive in this regard right now.
