I am in between jobs and I have been interviewing, but I am getting down to the wire financially. I had to get up the nerve to call my father for help and he really let me have it.
I posted here b4 about how I had grown up in a very verbally abusive home. I do not even see my father, in fact I steer clear of him. I try to be kind on father's day and Christmas by dropping off gifts (I make sure he is not home) and usually I get no acknowledgement. I have two older brothers who I never see or hear from and a sister who pretty much forgot me too. I am thirty two and they are all much older. When I was in nursery school my sister was in her first year of college.
My brother closest to me in age is 43 and he is very abusive. He started nasty rumors about me in the community I grew up in and among family members. He invented salascious stories of me being into drugs and prostitution among people who have not seen me in years. This could not be farther from the truth. He even told my aunt I weighed 300 pounds (I weigh around 140 something!) I am not invited to family things or even really know about them at all. My father abused me verbally since I was little..calling me a tramp, fat, not too bright, etc. He was rotten to my mother as well.
I made the huge mistake today of calling him for help. His first question was "what do you want?" When I finally spit out the words he carried on about how I can't keep a job, I am no good, into drugs and drinking, a "n word" lover, the worst kid he ever had, he was not going to help me, don't ever call him again, change my last name and get out of the area, he called me middle aged and a fat piece of sh*t..(I am not fat! and 32 is not middle aged) He said he gave up on me when he learned I was going out with a (think of the worst word to describe a black man) and he will have nothing to do with me. I have dated black men but my current boyfriend of nearly 7 years is white. He was screaming the whole time...and every once in a while he would say "how much do you want???" so that he could continue berating me. I ended up hanging up. Please tell me this is not normal. I feel sick to my stomach over the names he calls me...and telling me "you'll never make a nurse" and then having the nerve to tell me to "go back to church and ask god for help" Then saying "your sister is the nurse...she HAS a brain in her head"
At the end of the conversation he threatened to have me arrested for extortion and elder abuse if I asked for help again and said that he will press charges. This man has gotten me so down and upset before I told him I had thought of harming myself and he said "go ahead, do us all a favor". I think he meant it. What is really scary is that I was in therapy for a while when I was much younger and my therapist left a message at the wrong # for me and he got it. He called her and threatened her and told her to stay away from me. Now..if he truly believes I am this awful person with all of these substance abuse and alcohol abuse issues why would he be against me getting help?? Why would he chase away the person who is helping?
I was actually seeing her about these very issues. What scares me is I have actually thought I deserved this treatment all my life and there isn't one person on my side. The one I had is gone now, my mother.
It is my own fault for not being able to take better care of myself.