All hospital Staff
Monday, November 13, 2000
To: All hospital staff
From: Administration/grounds keeping
Subject: New cost cutting measures
Date: November 13, 2000
Effective March 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be kept in the pharmacy. In addition to routine duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarities, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or they may wish to make arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. before meal time. Coin operated phones will be available in the patients rooms for this purpose, as well as the other calls the patients may wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as contributing to a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts from their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see from the "From" line above, administration is assuming the grounds keeping operations. If an administrator can not be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn blower, weed eater, etc.
Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital is subscribing to the "Time-Life How To.." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on the nursing units. It will need to be checked each shift with the code cart. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on "Basic Wiring". If a non-electrical problem occurs please try to handle it until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy department will be accommodated on performing blood related lab tests on patients actively bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per patient per day. This is due to the turn around time at Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Revco will also honor competitors coupons for one hour processing in emergency situations. If you come across extra coupons, please send them to the emergency room.
In light of the recently hot summer, AEP has been asked to install meters in each patient's room. This is to insure that accurate billing can occur. Fans are available for lease or purchase in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling program, a bin has been added for unused fruits and breads from each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for noscomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available through the hospital pharmacy, and will, coincidentally, be the only antibiotics listed on the hospital's formulary.
Bob Creaton, CEO/Landscaper
More humor at http://members.citynet.net/dustoffsix/humor.htm
They can eat me, but they can't kill me.