What NOT to say

points well taken erslave.

and i will share that i am truly sorry for your losses.

often people feel awkward and out come these meaningless trivialities, however unintentional.

perhaps it would be helpful if there were teachings on what one could do to help a grieving person.

with peace,

leslie

I try to take my cue from the bereaved person (having been bereaved myself). That person may bring up one of those and in that case I try to follow along.

It is very hard not to offer sympathy, because everyone wants to help. But sometimes people say cruel things when they really mean well...and yes, some or all of the things you listed may be perceived as cruel by the person involved. Some of those may be OK, depending on what point in the grief process the person is.

The only thing I can offer to someone who is trying to help is to listen, listen, listen. Don't fill up the silence because YOU are uncomfortable.

i am a nurse and have been the grieving family member of both an expected death of my grandmother and a tragic, unexpected death of a sibling.

i would like "psych nurses" and others to add or dispute this list:

things you should never say to a grieving family:

1. he/she is in a better place

2. god took him/her home or he/she is in heaven with god

3. dont cry

4. he/she isnt suffering anymore (this may be ok with some families)

3. would you like to pray?

4. dont offer a hug unless you have an established relationship w/them

5. it'll get better with time

6. never rush a family to view or spend time w/their deceased loved one

7. would you like to talk?

8. it happened for a reason

9. i know how you feel because....(they dont want to hear your story)

there is very little if nothing you can say to make them feel better - thats just a fact. just be there to listen - maybe a hand on the shoulder but not much physical contact unless they initiate it.

as a psych nurse i deal with very little death. perhaps a better authority on the subject would be a hospice nurse. however, i do agree that typically the nurse is not there to act as a grief counselor. imho you should offer to do whatever they'd like you to do (eg. get a box of tissues) then excuse yourself from their presence.

Agree with the above. I go by the cues the family presents. Some want to talk, some do not. I ask if there is anything I can get or do for them at the moment, I listen, then I excuse myself but inform them that I will check on them in order to provide them privacy to allow them to grieve in their own way.

I just lost my dad a couple of weeks ago (actually, quite a tragic 4 month long story from beginning to end). I've been burying myself in the internet since my return from home Sunday (from another state).

One thing I can say NOT to ask the children of a woman who's just lost her husband of nearly 50 years:

"How's your mom doing?"

How the he** do you think she's doing?

I know this isn't related to nursing, but just the same. I know you're asking from the bottom of your heart, but please don't ask that question.

We had an online guestbook through the funeral home for my dad for people to sign if they wished.

I will always cherish this message to my family from my dad's occupational therapist.

Mr. ***** was a wonderful man whom I came to know as his Occupational Therapist at ******. I had the pleasure of working with him for close to 4 months. He had a spark and drive unlike many...with a will to succeed. Regardless of how he really felt...he always told me he was doing fine... I remember the last time I worked with him...about a week prior to his passing. He told me he was tired...but, he certainly gave it his all. I told him I am honored to work with you...and he said "You should be...". I meant every word and surely will miss his smile and sense of humor. God Bless You All in Your Time of Sorrow and May He Rest in Peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I can't agree with all of these. My son died in an accident two weeks ago. They took him straight to a funeral home then the M.E.'s place, so there was no nurse intervening, but the detective did ask if I wanted to talk. And at the time, I did. I slobbered all over him. It was what I needed at the time.

People, some friends, some aquaintances, some strangers, told me stories of their lost children. And it was a comfort to me to know that my husband and I were not alone, and that Andrew is not alone.

People ask how I'm doing. They know we're still hurting. They just want to make sure I'm not about to jump off a bridge or something. They want to make sure that I'm at least going through the motions. They are trying to see what I need at this time.

When people offered things, and said things that I did not need at the time, I never took offense. They were just as stuck as to what to do to make things better. And that's usually all they're tyring to do. They feel helpless, too.

Everyone is different, everyone has different needs. It helps if you can get a feel for what each person needs at the time. Some do want to talk, some do want to pray. Some do want to know that they are not alone. I know it's not easy, but just try to get a sense of what the family needs at the time.

Cyberkat---- a very insightful response, thankyou so much. You speak from very personal and recent experience, I realize.

I agree with those saying to "go with it". Death is a very personal and variable experience for us all. I, for one, would have appreciated SOME acknowledgement of my pregnancy losses from my nurses and doctors when I had my ectopic and miscarriages. They treated me as a surgical case, no more, except in ONE case (I will get back to that). I realize these deaths are different than losing a child, spouse, parent, but no less real to me. So many minimized this for me, and it was insulting. My roommate was more sensitive and helpful than the nursing and medical staff were in my 1st case, an ectopic loss. (HIPAA be damned lol).

Sometimes, not knowing what to say leads people to say NOTHING at all, just ignoring the situation, leaving us feel isolated and weird, as well as totally and completely alone. At least say you are "sorry" and mean it, that would be a start. The rest, follow the lead of your patient.

Now in one situation I referred to, a very sharp LPN noticed my grief and asked me what she could do to help me. Could she call a chaplain, or family minister? FINALLY someone acknowledged the horrible feeling I had inside. She saw beyond the complicated and disturbing surgical case they were dealing with. She did not ofter to "fix it all" or pretend to know how I felt--- she just reached out the only way she could. And I can't tell you what that meant to me. The feeling of utter isolation and being alone was minimized for a while there, and it meant more than I could say.

I think we nurses (and doctors and others in medical care) could do with a lot more grief awareness/coping training. I think as a society, we here in the USA are still SO uncomfortable with discussing death and dying. Heck, some of us cannot bring ourselves to say someone "died"---we use euphemisms such as "passed on to his reward" or "expired". WHATEVER, it's still a death, and all that goes with it. It's high time we broke out of our fear of discussing a sensitive subject and just talked about it. Talking about it reduces the horrible sense of isolation many of us feel when a loved one dies. If we talked about it more---honest dialogue would ensue and a HECK of a lot more of us would know HOW to behave--- what questions to ask, and what to say when someone loses a loved one.

That, of course, is only my opinion. Just remember, there are NO fast and hard rules about what to say or what not to say. You,unfortunately, cannot rely on any list to keep you on the right side of things. Every one of us is different and has differing needs at such difficult times. Just PLEASE at LEAST, say you are sorry and ask how you can HELP; that is a START! Take your cues from there.