RN started affair with pt...led to divorce

[Whispjes55]

Hi, as you can see from the topic heading I am trying to decide what I should do. Yes, my husband started an affair with his case manager while he was under her care this past January. This has led to our divorce.

Now, just a little info so you can help me to decide if I should report her to the state. No, we did not have a good marriage (30years) but I felt we were actually doing better this past year. The affair started this past January -- phone calls on my bill after hours, late into night, and he got a parking ticket by her house.

He injured himself at work and was assigned this case manager to guide him through his rehab and return to work.

I did not report this immediately because I was angry and did not want to do anything out of anger. I have truly forgiven him for this and feel the divorce is best for us. I realize you cannot turn someone's head that is not already looking.

The issue I have is this: as nurses we have a code of Ethics we should follow. I feel she should have waited until he was no longer her patient then whatever happens, happens.

I truly do not want her to lose her job, but I am angry and feel betrayed that a fellow RN would do this. What if they break up?? If I do not report her have I given her permission to prey on the next patient....married or not?

I'm leaning more towards not reporting this because I do not know the repercussions to her (termination, etc) but of course my co-workers who are so supportive all want me to report this for the breach of ethics.

I am asking you all out there who do not know me for unbiased opinions.

I do appreciate your time....I tried to find this topic elsewhere before posting so please forgive me if it is here somewhere!!

Thank you!!

[mrsboots87]

This is tough and I can see why you take pause in deciding what to do.

On one hand, we have a moral and ethical duty to keep professional boundaries with all our patients because they are in a vulnerable time in their lives under care of another.

On the other hand, it's hard to report a fellow nurse for making a stupidly immoral mistake in pursuit a patient and risk their termination or worse.

In either case, you would not be wrong so good luck in your deciding and sorry a ruined relationship was the result.

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

I see this as 2 separate issues.

You had a marriage that was not ideal--and only you and your former spouse can define your own "ideal" as no one walks in the shoes of your marriage but you both--so because of that dynamic, you could have chosen to divorce without a third party. Or not. Only you can review the would haves/could haves.

When a spouse is newly disabled, it is a difficult path for the marriage. Loss of control, loss of sense of self, general impatience, lots of things that put a strain. One day, all is "OK" the next, you have a spouse who can't function well. All things that cause stressors in the most "stable" of unions.

So if you haven't gotten some professional support, I would explore that option. For you to be able to put to bed many years of dysfunction. For yourself.

The second part of this is the case manager and an alleged ethical breach. Because your ex is an adult, it would be up to him to pursue something (which would more than likely happen if they break up?!) Technically speaking, he has the right to privacy with his medical stuff, including his dealings with the case manager. I can see a he said/she said/I know situation, which would get nowhere fast. And I am sure that denial won't just be a river in Egypt, and you can't "prove" that there was an affair...just circumstances that are questionable. And you may be spot on, and they may be having some sort of sick tryst, but you really have no way of "confirming" this, therefore, is hear-say at best.

If you believe your ex is mentally challenged from the accident which left him disabled, if he is "elderly" (which is some states is 50's or older) there are other avenues you can report to, as the case manager "may" be taking advantage of him.

If you have adult children, they may want to get actively involved in his care going forward. (If he allows that). And let them see first hand what is happening.

Because it looks and quacks like a duck, it may in fact be a goose. Your ex may be "getting the wrong idea" and pursuing a lost cause--you just don't know. And if you don't know, you can't accuse.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It just sucks. But if 6 months from now (or 6 weeks from now) the case manager and your ex are an item, out in public (and really for the love of all that's holy, really?!?!?!) and you do think that your ex is mentally challenged anything like that, the you need to at least let your adult kids/his siblings/his parents someone in on this so his interests are protected. And that the case manager with boundary issues is not left to prey on disabled people.

Best wishes to you going forward

[llg, PhD, RN]

I would recommend dealing with your anger before making a final decision. I wouldn't want to make the decision (either way) when I was still very angry. I recommend talking with someone professionally (counselor of some sort) and get past the intense emotions before making up my mind.

[Libby1987]

If she truly took advantage of him, report her without hesitation.

But from a spouse's* perspective, if this was a mutual situation I don't think reporting her would help me heal as I don't think every nurse and patient who have fallen in love (or infatuation/lust) is the most immoral thing that can happen. (Who knows what he told her, she might pay for her indiscretion 10 times over after learning she didn't exactly win a prize). She should have waited until he wasn't a patient** but was he vulnerable in his current out patient state? If not, I wouldn't necessarily feel morally obligated to report and I might even regret it, and with a divorce after 30 years I'd want to shed as many regrets as I could and make the most of my life going forward.

*this isn't your corporate compliance issue and I don't think this would fall under mandated reporting.

**she might have transferred him to another case manager.

[CrunchRN, ADN, RN]

Let it go. Move on. You don't need the baggage.

[Not_A_Hat_Person, RN]

I would report her. Your lawyer could do it, if you use a lawyer. If the BON decides to pursue it she probably won't lose her license, but the discipline will remain on her license.

I know of 2 people (an LNA and an LICSW) who lost their licenses because they had sexual affairs with their clients. In both cases, their lovers turned them in once they decided the relationship was done.

The case manager decided to play with fire. She shouldn't be surprised if she gets burned.

[NOADLS]

While this is still fairly recent, try to go on a talk show like Maury. That should bring things to a comforting close.

[JustBeachyNurse, LPN]

While this is still fairly recent, try to go on a talk show like Maury. That should bring things to a comforting close.

Well Maury is at least a slightly better choice than Jerry Springer.

You have two choices: let it go and move on or report an ethics violation if you are absolutely certain and have evidence

[Glycerine82, LPN]

If you think she took advantage in some way, and its not just "one of those things", if he has money or she somehow got him to do things he wouldn't otherwise do, then yes I say report her.

BUT, if it's just a matter of she probably should have waited, and it's only one of those things that looks bad "on paper", I'd say leave it alone.

It's going to be hard to put aside your own feelings of betrayal and rejection in order to look at this from an unbiased POV.

She was wrong, but it's hard to know what he said or did. I'm also wondering if it's possible they knew each other before this incident?

So sorry OP. Hugs.

[NurseNHowell]

I know I'm probably the odd one out but I think you should report it. She most likely wouldn't lose her license but it should be recorded that she has less than ideal morals and ethics. Even if he wasn't married, you don't sleep with a patient. Maybe if you guys are out in below freezing weather and have one sleeping bag, ok then. But you don't EVER have sex with a patient. I don't even see her sleeping with a married man as concern for the board, that's just a immoral person with questionable ethics and it's not something the board probably would address. But the late night calls and a parking ticket at her home clearly show there is a breach in her professionalism and I say this as a case manager! There is no reason for any patient to have my personal cell phone number. The only people related to patients that have my cell phone number are the responsible children for their geriatric parents who are under my care when I was a home health case manager. There are a few adult children that I will text them per their request when there is a new prescription they need to know to pick up. Or there have been a few that the children request to text me an image of their parent's wound asking if it looks like it is improving or worsening, I hate when they do this though. I also text them from my work issued phone not my personal phone since that would be inappropriate and unprofessional. Late night? Nope never a reason. To be at their case manager's home? Nope never.

[NurseNHowell]

It also just occurred to me that you are paying the bill for him to talk/text her and the gas for him to go to her home to see her.

This is just makes me mad for you.

Im sorry you do not deserve to be in this situation. I am glad that you have made peace with the situation and are moving on to a place of happiness for yourself. You still shouldn't have to be in a situation to even question if you need to report another nurse for breaking up your marriage.