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Discussion

I feel uncomfortable doing this

A family member who I have only met once 10 years ago asked me on a social media site if I can write a letter of recommendation. I presume its for nursing school since she needs a RN.

I'm very uncomfortable with this and have not responded to the request. I am uncomfortable with making up stuff. How would you respond if placed in this situation?

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    • Featured Replies

    I had a similar situation with a friend's son who I hadn't been around since he was younger. I'm positive his mother suggested he list me as a reference. He didn't even give me a heads up when I received 3 requests for recommendation from 3 different County Sheriff's Departments. I had fits about it but by the time our local dept called me I was more prepared and was completely honest. I hadn't been around him since he was in elementary/middle school and told him what I knew from then, just general personality traits and his involvement with Scouting. He got the job and I didn't compromise myself.

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    Dear long lost relative,

    I am terribly sorry that I can not write the letter of reference as we have only met once and since we have never worked together, I have no way of knowing the extent of your skills and abilities. I do wish you the very best in your future endeavors.

    Sincerely, aprnqday

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    • Author

    Icumaggie, that was exactly what I was looking for. Thank you so much !!!!

    Libby, great story, I learned from your integrity.

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    I would unfriend them.

    Kidding.

    I'm with Maggie.

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    • Expert

    As the neighbor of a man who was being vetted for a law enforcement position, I had to tell the investigator that I had never met him or even knew what he looked like. However, I told the investigator that I could attest to no domestic violence in the home because both he and his wife were quiet as mice. In your situation I would defintely write the letter that Maggie suggested, word for word.

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    I would write a letter. Life is hard enough even with supportive people helping you; no need to make it harder on your family member by refusing his/her request. Just do it. If you really feel that bad, arrange for him/her to shadow you for a few days on the job and then write it.

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    I would write a letter. Life is hard enough even with supportive people helping you; no need to make it harder on your family member by refusing his/her request. Just do it. If you really feel that bad, arrange for him/her to shadow you for a few days on the job and then write it.

    I'm just curious - what would you even write about somebody you didn't know? I feel like you'd have to call the person's coworkers just to know what they were really like if you'd only met them once and it wasn't in a business situation. If you had to call their coworkers to find out what they were like, their coworkers might as well be the ones writing the references in the first place IMO.

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    that would be like asking my cousins ex husband (who is a CRNA) to pin me! I like Maggie's letter too.

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    I would write a letter. Life is hard enough even with supportive people helping you; no need to make it harder on your family member by refusing his/her request. Just do it. If you really feel that bad, arrange for him/her to shadow you for a few days on the job and then write it.

    Really? Just fake it/lie because it makes things easier? Are those really the values you want to promote and live by?

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    • Author

    I just have a problem with lying. Ugh. Hard situation.

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    • Guides

    It is more than just lying. You are vouching for someone. The advise to just do it because life is hard is terrible advice. The medical community is one of the most networked I have ever seen and highly political. I personally would never put my name and reputation up for association with another individual unless I truly felt great about doing it. I think the above letter is absolutely the way to go. This person was wrong to put you in this position. You are not wrong to gently redirect them.

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    • Expert
    A family member who I have only met once 10 years ago asked me on a social media site if I can write a letter of recommendation. I presume its for nursing school since she needs a RN.

    I'm very uncomfortable with this and have not responded to the request. I am uncomfortable with making up stuff. How would you respond if placed in this situation?

    I would tell her that since we don't really know each other that well, that I'm probably not the best person to write a letter of recommendation for her. I would also add that since we are related family members, that a recommendation from me wouldn't carry as much weight because we're related, or even not be accepted period (it's not uncommon for organizations to refuse references/recommendations from relatives).

    I would offer suggestions as to who she should ask for a letter (teachers, employers, etc.).

    Then I'd ignore further requests.

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