first time to see death

No you are not pathetic.You are a human being with feeling and an ability to have empathy. It is difficult to witness a loss of human life even if it is a peaceful passing and the suffering of those left to cope with that loss. Many of the things I have witnessed have been disturbing and I often would replay them in my mind for several days.If someone has a peaceful and quick death with minimal suffering I consider them lucky indeed.It is the long and prolonged suffering that I struggle with witnessing

My first death was an awful experience. He was young-ish 50s maybe, can in with CP, refuse the medication the would protect his kidneys during the heart cath. He told me "If I don't have this cath, I'm going to die." When the doctors saw his GFR, BUN/Cr in the morning, they refused to hearth cath. About an hour later he developed chest pain, by the time my preceptor got to the bedside from the doorway, he was asystolic. We worked on him for almost an hour. He had no family, no information aside from a old address and wrong number emergency contact. It was a tough day. I can still picture him. 8 years of working on the floor and I have maybe 5 deaths that have really stuck with me, all for different reasons. Some because they were violent and sudden, some because they were beautiful and peaceful, and one because he grabbed my butt before taking his last breath!

The first one is the one that most nurses remember forever. It's not pathetic, it's not a flaw on your part. You were not there in some morbid observer capacity, you were there to be present for the wife, to show her that we(nursing collectively) would not abandon her at this difficult time. You will replay this day, that's normal. If you find yourself fixated on it or grief stricken, please talk to your employer, they can get you some resources.

PPs have offered wonderful insight. I just wanted to add - don't ever be afraid to seek support when you've experienced emotional turmoil at work. There is a growing body of literature that has identified 'cumulative traumatic stress disorder' among nurses and other healthcare providers - leading to long term health problems.

I was lucky - my BSN program included a "values clarification" course that helped me figure out my own personal views on a lot of issues, including how I felt about death and the dying process. It provided a wonderful frame of reference that I've applied throughout my career.

Thank you for all the input. It wasn't a bad experience in the sense that I am tentative to go in for my 2nd day. I am okay. I guess working in a critical care area straight out of nursing school is going to be quite a jump from the relatively quiet med-surg floor where I was only given the most stable patients. I will learn to manage my emotions. It just creeped me out a bit with how his jaw dropped down and he was kind of leaned toward the side rail. Just creepy. What made it better was that my coworkers started to share all the funny stories he had told throughout his stay and how much they loved to take care of him. It made his wife smile. The chaplain was also there to offer spiritual support. Everyone surrounded her with love, and that was really beautiful to see.

I always tear up a little if it's a nurse-pronounced death (that I am a part of). I don't believe in any sort of after-life, and I can't help but see see the pronouncement as an "official" separation between that person and everyone/everything they loved.

Over the years, I experienced many pt expirations. With so many coworkers during in my career, I try to ask them their comfort level with a death and/or post-mortem care. I want to know that any of my 'iffy' staff feel comfortable. And this extends to students and/or staff after a difficult 'problem passing'.

When teaching nsg students, one of my A+++ student's pts passed away after a double coding. It was totally unexpected and like you, it shook up my student to her roots. And like you, she was later berating herself that she felt she 'should have been in more control of her emotions and not freeze up'. I remember telling her "she was a person first and a nurse (to be) second' and her emotions were normal response for what had occurred. And she did everything that she was supposed to. I then told her she didn't see me in the employee bathroom - flushed, having teared up, hypervent'ing and shaking in MY boots after my adrenaline rush.

Some 30 years later I still think of that death and my student. We all think back to the 'rough' ones. I can still remember many others. I remember my first expiration 40+ years ago and an important critical lesson I learned from that experience. And yes, we all replay the memorable ones in our psyche in order to analyze and 'settle'.

You're earning your wings!

You're earning your wings!

I am certainly having so many memorable experiences as a new nurse. This was just one of many of my "firsts" as a nurse. Didn't expect it half way through my first ever shift though! Thank you all for responses. I am glad I am not alone. Life is so precious, and seeing it end is rough. I have told myself that I can use my feelings to connect with patients. To put myself in their shoes and try to understand their pain. Can't do that if you can't express emotions.

To be honest, I think I learned MORE definitive & career-shaping 'things' in my first 6 months as a new nurse in my fist job then I did across most of the rest of my career. And even though I've now retired, I still learn things and marvel at some things others do to so positively care for their pts.

Not pathetic at all. I'd rather hear about someone with some feelings and empathy than about those who don't have those things. I remember seeing my first deceased patient as a student (and maybe that was the only one I saw as a student). At my LTC/rehab facility, I've had to 'pronounce' numerous residents, including a number on other units, because I'm a RN (and in this state a LPN can't pronounce). Although I'm somewhat used to it, at the same time, it always makes me think a lot. And the fewer I have to pronounce, the better - for all concerned.

I still remember the first patient I had who died. I think I was at the other end of the spectrum from you.

I was 18, and a Nurses' Aide. My charge nurse was calm, kind, and comforting. She showed me how to do post mortem care, while talking about the patient. I had only known this patient as a totally confused, total care patient. My charge nurse gently showed me that she had been a special person who had lived a good life (not the "total care in 302-B").

It was an early lesson, and I learned it well.