Excuses for Missing Work

I found this list somewhere on the web a while ago - loved it!

EXCUSES FOR MISSING WORK

1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

2. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy.

3. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Shopper's Drug Mart.

4. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder so, why are you calling?

5. I just found out that I was switched at birth so I am on a quest to find my real job! If I run into the guy I was switched with, I'll send him along!

6. The psychiatrist said it was an good session, but he thinks I'm not quite ready to face work. On the plus side, he gave me a jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

7. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

8. I realize reliability is important, but so is my need to remain an enigma.

9. It seems my cover in the witness protection program has been exposed. If I were you, I'd call the bomb squad.

10. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

11. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

12. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

Kathy

I actually had to call in late once because I was honestly stuck *in* my apartment!! My apartment had a sliding glass door, and we had an ice storm overnight. Well, guess what froze shut during the ice storm?? You got it! I was frozen solid right inside my apartment!! Nice and snug waiting for the spring thaw (or the hairdryer, whichever came first).

"My pet octopus bit me."

one of our clerical staff really called in constipated....

NEW EMPLOYEE RULES WILL BE REVISED IN YOUR EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK AT A LATER

DATE!!

SICKDAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof

of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you

are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an

employee here, you need all your organs. You should

not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

To have something removed constitutes a breach of

employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturday &Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same

time every year.

The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 &

Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing

you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers.

Every effort should be made to have non-employees

attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where

employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should

be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to

allow you to work through your lunch hour and

subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share

of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we

require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty

to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.

In the future, we will follow the practice of going in

alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose

names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,

employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20

to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your

allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until

the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme

emergencies employees may swap their time with a

coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing

must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now

a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end

of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet

paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to

eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size

people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal

to maintain thee average figure. Fat people get

5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed

to drink a Slim Fast &take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according

to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes

&carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing

well financial and therefore you do not need a

raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here

to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions comments, concerns,

complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,

insinuations, allegations, accusations,

contemplation's, consternation's, or input should

be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Management

"My Grandfather died" (Reported by the same CNA 6 times in one year.)

well ***GRAMPS*** has THREE MORE LIVES TO GO IF he's A CAT eh, Bernie????? sheesh! what garbage! I don't lie to call in...i save call-ins for when my kids are sick cause that I cannot help....good thread.

Excuses for calling in sick from work?

I've fallin' and I can't get up! :rotfl:

my friend had homwork... and her rabbit got outta the cage... ripped the paper to shreads... and so she told her instructer just that... NO ONE beleived her... but if you ever had rabbits you know what I am talking about :)

Do they have Taco Bells' all over the country?? Everyone here knows calling in cause you ate a bean burrito at Taco Bell is valid for a case of the runs, accompanied by severe abdominal cramping and "throwing up all night" or all day, whichever way you need it....and a terrible headache too...

Obviously can't work puking and shi_ _ ing !

Even the managers have had it, so no one ever argues with ya.