I'll get my elves right on that.
Burnt cookies have no calories.
A friend is like a good bra...hard to find, supportive, comfortable, there to lift you up, and is always close to your heart!
Three ways to get things done: Do it yourself. Hire someone. Forbid your kids to do it.
Every time I say the word DIET I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
85% of women think their a** is too big; 10% of women think their a** is too small; the other 5% say they don't care, that they love him and would have marrried him anyway.
You drink too much, you cuss too much, and you have questionable morals....you're everything I ever wanted in a friend.
Old is when going braless pulls all the wrinkle out of your face
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they laid them
If I like it-it's mine.
If it's in my hand-it's mine.
If it looks like mine-it's mine.
If I think it's mine-it's mine.
Everything else is mine too.
Welcome to the Wha Wha Club. Just one rule, I rule.
Beauty comes from within--within jars, tubs, and compacts.
I still have an hourglass figure. I just have a little more sand under my belt.
The Three Wise Women would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, brought practical gifts, and then there would be Peace on Earth!
Four Stages of Life:
You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You are Santa Claus.
You look like Santa Claus.
Chocolate is cheaper than therapy...and you don't need an appointment.
Ask not what your mother can do for you. Ask what you can do for your mother.
Unattened children will be given an espresso and a free puppy.
Caffeine first, darling..then we'll pretend to listen to each other.
She looked so awake! So alive! Was it caffeine or botox?
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.
Don't get your tinsel in a tangle.
So much to do, so few people to do it for me.
I love to give homemade gifts...which kid would you like?
Everything I want is either immoral, illegal, or fattening!