student needs advice PLEASE

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    hello all. well, I am not sure if I am in the right place, but i thought id give it a try. i am begining my third and final year of nursing school and my father has been an alcoholic my entire life ( i am 22). anyway, nursing school is difficult in it self, but there have been so many tribulations with my dad during these past three years especially, i am running out of ideas. my first year he was in an ETOH related accident that landed him in the ICU for a month. i went to school during the morning and spent the rest of the day and night at his bedside. then i had to go through his court dates re his DUI ( ended up being dismissed so he didnt go to jail). then i went through 2 weeks at the beginign of last semester where he was violent to my mother and I and ended up in jail for domestic battery. he had three seizures in jail going through d/ts. all the while still going to class, clinical, work, ect. now i am about to start senior year ( the most important) and he is dying. he is confused ( i think from NH3 build up), juandice, bruises everywhere, severe URQ pain, and does not get out of bed except to search for alcohol. we have no insurance, he refuses treatment.

    so after that long story, i just know everyone on here has gone through there own troubles, and that everyone is strong and brave. I just need advice, how to cope, tx options, how to help someone who wont help themselves....??? I barely make it through the day now, i just dont know how i will handle all this and school. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read my story.:stone
    ms. papa RN AGAIN likes this.
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  4. 8 Comments so far...

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    I went through something similar, but with my husband at the time. What helped me was a book by Melanie Beatty, "Codependent no more". I started caring for myself, and sought counseling. I also recommend Alanon meetings. You will be better off for the rest of your life, if you learn to take care of yourself BEFORE starting your career in Nursing. Read the book, and you will know what I am talking about. You are not alone.:heartbeat
    vastudent09 likes this.
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    I totally agree with the previous poster about AL-anon and even the book. You are 22 years old and it appears that you have been more in the parent role than the child. That sucks. I am 20 years sober and will tell you that you can not fix your father. If you could, you would have a long time ago. The hardest thing is to let people go and decide for themselves the choices they want to make. Some people are enabled to death. Some people hit their bottom when there is no where else to go and some of us will die from our addiction. I am sorry you've had to deal with this at your age and at a time when you really need to focus on you. I am proud for you going to school and hanging in there. It was hard for me too, but I went at 40 with 3 kids.....You can do it, look how far you've come! I noticed that alot of crap hit the fan my senior year and it almost felt like "what else can go wrong?" But we are brave and strong and you will have your education that no one can ever take away from you. Keep the faith, and the best thing anyone ever did for me is prayer>> Find your nearest soones Al-anon meeting - it will change your life!!!
    vastudent09, Elvish, and Veteran Nurse like this.
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    I agree with all of these wise people advising you to take care of yourself. I understand how hard it is and that you feel like you would be turning your back on your dad. However, I believe that if your father could get past his illness he would want you to do well in life and be happy. Unfortunately you can't help those who don't want help, if you could addiction would not be a big deal at all. My family would have certainly loved me out of it before I almost died from it. You have fought a brave fight along side your dad for years and YOU DESERVE to win your life!! Good luck.
    vastudent09 likes this.
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    Stick by your dad. I am in the same situation except that my father actually lives overseas and I cannot help him as much as I'd like. I write him a lot of letters and send him pictures and it seems like it helps for the most part. I asked him to stop drinking because when I finish school and come to visit him I'd like to shake his hand and hug him instead of having to put flowers on his grave. That's basically what I told him. There is only so much I can do but I can't imagine ever quitting on my dad because he was always good to me even after my parents got divorced. I hope when I start making more money I can have him move in with me and try to help him with his addiction. I don't really have any plans yet but we'll see. Make sure you get your school work done but don't leave your dad behind. Maybe he'll come to his senses and realize it's not worth going like this, you never know. Don't lose hope.
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    Nobody said for the OP to "quit on" or leave her dad behind. I said she may feel like she is turning her back on him, not that she should. It was just noted that she needs to take care of herself 1st. I have a friend whose father recently died of liver failure after rejecting a transplant. He was sick for months before the transplant and very sick for two weeks before he died. He expected my pal to continue working and taking care of his own for the most part (of course he did visit but only when he was financially able) B/c this is addiction based he is likely more selfish about things and somewhat him focused (i certainly was when i was using) and maybe unable to see that he is expecting to much and taking away from his daughters well being. I don't think he really wants to, its just part of his illness. I don't think she should ignore, leave behind or whatever, just that she may want to prioritize herself and her needs into things. Like your doing fUsioN86. You have wonderful ideas of how your going to help your dad AFTER you graduate and make more money. But your not prepared to drop out, move overseas and help him right now. You are taking care of yourself. Good 4 you.
    Veteran Nurse likes this.
  10. 0
    Quote from ms. papa
    I don't think she should ignore, leave behind or whatever, just that she may want to prioritize herself and her needs into things. Like your doing fUsioN86. You have wonderful ideas of how your going to help your dad AFTER you graduate and make more money. But your not prepared to drop out, move overseas and help him right now. You are taking care of yourself. Good 4 you.
    I didn't think you suggested to her to leave her dad behind, I was just giving her some feedback.
  11. 0
    I appologize if I sounded rude- i was really just wanting to clarify that i did NOT mean forget him (b/c i thought you may have read it that way and so maybe others did to) just to remember herself. I did not have an addict parent but i was/am one and stories like this make me proud to be here for my kids now. So good for you both for getting along.
  12. 0
    Quote from ms. papa
    I appologize if I sounded rude- i was really just wanting to clarify that i did NOT mean forget him (b/c i thought you may have read it that way and so maybe others did to)
    It's no problem, and no I did not read it that way at all


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