Suicidal thoughts every week before first shift

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Specializes in Pediatrics, NICU.

I am a very new nurse. The day before a shift, I get unwanted suicidal thoughts. Don't worry, I would never act on them. They're more just unwanted and intrusive. Every time I finish a shift, I feel better/happier, it's just always the day before that makes me have really bad thoughts. I know this is not normal, but I have to stick out a year before I can switch to a different position. I am even thinking about changing professions because I want to stop thinking these damaging and intrusive thoughts. I really feel like nursing is not for me and I hate thinking about a future of misery...

what should I do? I know my employer offers free 6 time sessions with a mental health professional. other than that, how can I cope with this first year? I just want to stop thinking about hurting myself. And to be clear, I have never had these thoughts before nursing. Nursing has officially ruined my spirit :(

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Specializes in Pediatrics, Pediatric Float, PICU, NICU.

We are not allowed to get medical advice per the terms of service. However, I urge you strongly to get immediate and emergent help in this situation. You need the help of a professional to first keep yourself safe in the immediate future, and secondly help you work through this in the long term.
Many new nurses get anxious and nervous prior to their shift for the first few months as a new grad, but to have suicidal thoughts is not normal as you stated and needs to be addressed immediately.

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Specializes in Pediatrics, NICU.
19 minutes ago, JadedCPN said:

We are not allowed to get medical advice per the terms of service. However, I urge you strongly to get immediate and emergent help in this situation. You need the help of a professional to first keep yourself safe in the immediate future, and secondly help you work through this in the long term.
Many new nurses get anxious and nervous prior to their shift for the first few months as a new grad, but to have suicidal thoughts is not normal as you stated and needs to be addressed immediately.

I really think I need to go on an SSRI which is my biggest fear. I hate taking medications (even multi-vitamins..) You're right. I need help. But I am not voluntarily committing myself and I need to go to work. IDK what to do but cry...plus, I don't have a plan and I would never in a million years attempt. Like I said, they're just thoughts. I just don't understand how everyone else is coping so normally after nursing school while I'm more miserable than ever

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Specializes in RETIRED Cath Lab/Cardiology/Radiology.
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I really think I need to go on an SSRI which is my biggest fear.

Please don't self-prescribe. Is taking something and feeling better WORSE than the fear and sadness you feel now? It sounds like you are not thinking rationally.

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I hate taking medications (even multi-vitamins..)

You are not alone. Lots of ppl don't like taking meds. Again, though: is taking something and feeling better WORSE than the fear and sadness you feel now?

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You're right. I need help. But I am not voluntarily committing myself and I need to go to work.

No one has asked that you voluntarily commit yourself. And yes you DO need help. If a patient approached you saying the same things you have posted here, what would you tell them?

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IDK what to do but cry...plus, I don't have a plan and I would never in a million years attempt. Like I said, they're just thoughts.

Good you don't have a plan. They are "just thoughts," however they are strongly and adversely affecting your happiness and sense of well-being.

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I just don't understand how everyone else is coping so normally after nursing school while I'm more miserable than ever

Please seek professional help.

Call and talk with someone. Share honestly, as you have here, and the two of you can work out a plan. We want you to be the best you can be.

https://www.psychguides.com/guides/mental-health-hotline/

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

Here is the number/link to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Please seek help today.

We truly care about you.

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In what alternate reality do you live in where you think everyone else is coping normally after nursing school?

Just put something like "new nurse miserable" in the search box. You'll get thousands of hits.

Every time I walked into my first job I thought, "I hope I make a deadly med error tonight and get my license taken away ". It was my way of coping with my utter terror.

I believe you're serious that you won't kill yourself. I think it is similar to me hoping I'd harm or kill a patient. Deep inside we know it's pretend thinking, a way to relieve stress.

I finally realized it's just about impossible to kill a patient giving one wrong IV or pill. A few years later I was nominated for nurse of the year.

PM me if you want to vent.

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Specializes in Pediatrics, NICU.

nursing is the whole reason im suicidal...I probably will have to leave the field

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I'm sorry to hear that @pinkdoves! Please look after yourself, take the time you need, and get the help you need. Leaving nursing was the best thing I could have done for my own self-care, even though it meant having to temporarily go on state-funded health insurance and unemployment.

My mental health struggles (anxiety and depression) were in remission through college (even working as nursing assistant while attending nursing school and graduating first in my class) after being so depressed and anxious in high school that I had to attend virtual school, cut myself, and struggled with thoughts of suicide. However, once I got out into working as a nurse, I was overcome with the absurd expectations and lack of support and safety in the "profession" that seemed more about the bottom line $$ and clique-based [donkey] kissing.

As a nurse:

I put up with being punched, slapped, scratched, bitten, and kicked across the room and then being blamed for "escalating" the situation when I called for help. I was told I wasn't allowed to press charges because "these things just happen" and the patient "wasn't in his right mind".

I put up with being told that I was "irresponsible" for calling out the last minute when my grandfather had a stroke and I rush to see him because we were told that it was "time to say goodbye".

I put up with being forced to work with an O2 sat of 86% and fever of 102 with audible wheezes and crackles because I would have accrued too many points and would've been fired had I called out.

I put up with having my ADA accommodations being declined as being "unreasonable" when all I was looking for was enough time to go to therapy and my prescription appointments (not on a rigorous schedule, either, just enough to get me by).

I finally left nursing when I was given the choice of protecting my own health and my elderly, disabled mother's or being transferred out of my non-patient-facing position directly (and without training, even though I have no background in acute care) to the ICU just because I was a warm body with a nursing license.

Even amidst the terror and uncertainty of a pandemic and briefly having to go on unemployment before finding a non-nursing job in an entirely different field, I've never been happier or more relieved as when I left nursing.

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8 hours ago, pinkdoves said:

nursing is the whole reason im suicidal...I probably will have to leave the field

Oh my goodness. Are you getting help?

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20 hours ago, pinkdoves said:

nursing is the whole reason im suicidal...I probably will have to leave the field

I can RELATE. This is the realest post on the Internet right now.

13 hours ago, StillSearchingRN said:

I'm sorry to hear that @pinkdoves! Please look after yourself, take the time you need, and get the help you need. Leaving nursing was the best thing I could have done for my own self-care, even though it meant having to temporarily go on state-funded health insurance and unemployment.

I've facing this decision right now. I gave home health a year, and I'm done LOL

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Specializes in geriatric, home health.
On 8/7/2020 at 1:44 PM, pinkdoves said:

nursing is the whole reason im suicidal...I probably will have to leave the field

Psychiatric nursing triggered a major depressive episode for me. It was a toxic work environment. (Yes, as a result I could understand emotionally what a suicidal person was feeling) I ended taking about 3-4 months off. I am coming out of the depression now, working for Bayada part-time and a home care agency as the nurse supervisor. There are small companies where the employer cares about the employees and also Bayada actually cares about their employees as well. You may want to consider other areas of nursing before getting out of nursing completely.

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Specializes in OR, Nursing Professional Development.
On 8/7/2020 at 1:44 PM, pinkdoves said:

nursing is the whole reason im suicidal...I probably will have to leave the field

@pinkdoves (and anyone else who is struggling right now), please keep this number handy:

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish.

1-800-273-8255

They also have a chat option available on their website https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

As mentioned by others, utilize your EAP if you have one. I have in the past- and it helped me immensely to get through that crisis period. Don't be afraid to reach out to providers on your own if need be.

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