Funny Patients

It wasn't a patient but we had a lady call my LTC facility on Christmas Day asking what would cause her tampon to fall out when she stood up. We never did figure out if it was a prank call or not; the nurse who took the call said it started out clinical but then just got creepy. And why would you call a nursing home about that type of issue anyways?

a patient who signed in with at triage with blue bonnet plague. we all wondered whether it was caused by exposure to parkay or if the pt had been to Texas recently.

Had an inmate who needed to be seen for a mindgrind (HA).

We had a patient a few weeks ago call the FBI. Yes I said FBI to tell them that we were holding him hostage. We still don't know how he got the number, but you can imagine my surprise when the FBI called to speak to me. This was after he screamed "FIRE!!! Call 9-1-1!!!" ALL night. Did I mention that he had already called 911 to tell them that his nurse (that would be me) was on fire and they had to come put me out. He also thought his SCDS were "mid-evil torture devices" and "MUST come off immediately."

Note to self: DO NOT GIVE THIS MAN ANYMORE PERCOCET! He was A+O before the narcotics!

I had a patient call 911 from his room to tell them he needed to get off the bedpan and couldn't find his call bell!

we had a patient a few weeks ago call the fbi. yes i said fbi to tell them that we were holding him hostage. we still don't know how he got the number, but you can imagine my surprise when the fbi called to speak to me. this was after he screamed "fire!!! call 9-1-1!!!" all night. did i mention that he had already called 911 to tell them that his nurse (that would be me) was on fire and they had to come put me out. he also thought his scds were "mid-evil torture devices" and "must come off immediately."

note to self: do not give this man anymore percocet! he was a+o before the narcotics!

i've had patients call the police, the sheriff's department and even the secret service, but never the fbi! lol!

years and years ago, we had a patient who was crazy as a bedbug. he was screaming about the bugs on the ceiling, the convicts that had taken him prisoner, and the "rack" (as near as i can figure that was the balloon pump and the restraints we had on to keep him from pulling out his foley and balloon pump.) he was ranting and raving that he was a close personal friend of the president and if we didn't stop torturing him, he was going to report us to the cia and the secret service. given his general level of agitation and orientation, i'm thinking "yeah, right!"

late in the shift, i get a phone call from "a friend of your patient." so, i pick up the phone and this very familiar voice says "i'm inquiring after my friend, joe schmoe."

"who's calling please?"

"this is ronald reagon." (ok, not the reagon administration that called, but it was the name of the person who was president of the united states at that time.)

"sure you are," i said, and hung up the phone.

a bit later, a police officer came up to our unit asking for me. he showed me his badge and then said, "i'm trying to find out about the condition of your patient, joe schmoe."

this was long before hipaa, and if the police had a valid reason for wanting to know how a patient was, we'd update them. i was a little skeptical, though, because as far as i knew, this guy hadn't been involved in a crime. so i asked why the officer wanted to know.

"we got a call from the secret service," he began. "it seems that you've got a personal friend of the president here, and someone hung up on the president when he called to check in."

oops! the patient was looney tunes, but i guess he really was a friend of the president! and i have the personal distinction of being dumb enough to hang up on the president of the united states!

Wow - 99.9% of the time - it's the drugs...... and Ruby got the 0.1% that actually DID know the president!!

This sounds REALLY like Texas. I know, i have lived there most of my life.

We had this little lady in the ICU who had a bit of ICU psychosis. Our phone did not ring like a phone but a doorbell. Every time it rang she would scream "COME IN!!!" often with a few profanities attached. She has this very large mass of beautiful gray hair. We used to keep it tied back with a big red bow. One day we heard her yelling and we went around the corner to find her hanging half way out of the ICU window yelling at the people below "they are killing me up here" gray hair, big red bow and all. Sometimes she would crow like a rooster and sometimes she would sit up in bed and pretend she was driving her car. She was a hoot!!