Would this be inappropriate?

TazziRN, RN · Nov 17, 2007

I see nothing wrong with it. This is going to be a hard Christmas for them, and it might help to know that someone is thinking about them in their pain. Believe me, nothing you say can make it any worse for them. Send it.

Dolce, RN · Nov 17, 2007

Put yourself in their position. If you had a child that died would you appreciate having one of the nurses that cared for him send you a card? I know it would mean a lot to me. It just shows that someone cared about how they as parents were coping. This is going to be such a hard Christmas for them.

I think it would be very sweet to send them a card.

kukukajoo, LPN · Nov 18, 2007

I think if I were that family I would be honored to receive a card from you and know that you were thinking of us. That would be the most touching gesture, especially during the first holiday wthout the child.

I say screw the rules if there are any and send it.

caliotter3 · Nov 18, 2007

I would normally say go ahead and send it. I used to send condolence cards. One of those families sued my employer and me. I later read that it is not advised to do so. You at least have a 50-50 chance that nothing negative will ensue. But otherwise, you just don't know. There are bad things that can be done reference a condolence card, so you take your chances. As for myself, since I'm an example of what that warning was about, I no longer send cards.

Cosper123 · Nov 18, 2007

There is no way this would refresh their grief. They will be thinking of it regardless..My parents have been gone now for over a decade and I still think of them around the holidays. I could only imagine if that was my child...it would easily be 10x worse.

You sending something can in no way refresh anything or make it worse...but it can make it somewhat better.

I think getting a card from you would make them feel much better on at least a couple of levels. Firstly, they would know that someone else out there cares. Secondly, they would know they weren't demonized and labeled "bad parents" by you. They may need such validation right now, especially so soon after the accident.

flightnurse2b, LPN · Nov 18, 2007

A month or so ago, maybe a little more, I took care of a child who was the victim of an accidental strangulation. Despite massive resuscitative efforts, the best estimates were that he had been without oxygen for over 65 minutes, and he was eventually declared brain dead. His family chose to donate his organs. I was their nurse from their second day in the hospital up through the organ retrieval, and I felt very close to them. They were such a nice family, and they were absolutely devestated with grief.
I was unable to attend the funeral because I was working, and they did it so quickly that I couldn't get anyone to cover for me.
With the holidays approaching, this family has been on my mind, and I had thought about sending them a card. I'm afraid, however, that doing so will cross boundaries, be inappropriate, and perhaps even refresh their grief.
I would like some opinions, especially from other people who have been in similar situations.

i think it would be incredibly sweet of you!!! it is a very thoughtful gesture.

i had a similar situation... i responded a oxy OD on a 18 y/o. when i showed up at the house, it was my high school spanish teachers son. i couldnt make it to the funeral, but i thought about her all the time since mothers day was coming up and he was her only child. i bought her a little boyd's bear angel and card and me and the EMT i was with that night signed it. she was really touched and thankful that someone was thinking of her. at first i didnt know if it would be appropriate... but now i am so glad we made her day a little brighter.

i dont think theres any harm in making a special gesture to show someone you care... esp. around the holidays which can be really difficult after the loss of a loved one.

kudos to you.

Agnus · Nov 18, 2007

You will not be reopening old wounds. This is a very fresh sharp acute wound. Send it.

I understand about the reluctance of one poster based on possible legal ramifications. There is that lawyer fear that a condolence is admitting some wrong doing. On the other hand lawyers have argued guilt because they reasoned not sending condolences was evidence of callousness.

The odds are with you legally. Send the card. Sometimes we get so hung up on what someone might think or do we do become too self centered and that is callous.

They will appreciate your tender gesture. When someone dies especially a difficult situation like this people pull back because of their own discomfort and leave those greveing on their own.

Don't be one of those people reach out. It will be good for your own grief as well.

AliRae · Nov 18, 2007

I would send it. There are a couple families who will be getting phone calls and/or cards from me this Christmas.

wayunderpaid · Nov 18, 2007

In one of the units I have worked at, it was encouraged to participate in funerals, send cards, etc. I find that nursing care goes beyond death (look at bereavement programs of hospice nursing). Go ahead, send the card. I'm sure that the fact that you are asking the question in such a sensitive manner, you are not going to mess up.

wayunderpaid

caliotter3 · Nov 18, 2007

A lawsuit is after all only a lawsuit. I refer to what the plaintiff has continued to do to me and my family long after they got their little "blood money" (for their own negligence). I am in no way callous. And BTW I had absolutely nothing to do with the bad outcome; was dropped from the case at the end; and even if I were responsible for anything, it does not give any man the right to assault and harass me unrelentlessly. Like I have stated before, it is more than just the legal ramifications. You never know what goes on in the minds of others and what they choose as an excuse to do the things they do. It has been five years now. Don't you think by now, the ******* and his "friends" should be leaving me alone? Be careful when you throw around the word "callous". I think that word applies to how many people treat me regarding this specific subject. I only posted to make the person aware. I wasn't trying to stop her from doing it. The chances are low that she will experience anything remotely resembling what I am going through.

Meriwhen, ASN, BSN, MSN, RN · Nov 18, 2007

Sending a card is not illegal, and the odds are likely that the family will be comforted by the card. But OP, be aware there is a risk involved in doing that, and you need to be aware of possible consequences, that's all. Should the family decide to sue, anything you do will probably be held against you, even if the intentions behind your actions are pure. That would include the sympathy card, which an attorney could argue is an admission of your liability in the matter, even if you were as innocent as a saint.

It's up to you, though. You're not a bad person if you decide to send one, and you're not a bad person if you decide not to send it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Personally, I would not send a card--if I didn't express my sympathies verbally at the time it happened, then IMO it's too late for me to do so. I do care about how the family feels, but I also used to work in a law firm and have seen firsthand how trigger-happy people can get when it comes to lawsuits--and I need to watch out for me and my family too