Wasted Years

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Specializes in ICU.

I have been sober for almost four years now. Everything has been going really well for me, especially since I graduated TPAPN. I mean,, really well. I have been making good money, I am TRULY HAPPY. Which, I didn't realize it, but I haven't been this happy in 15 years or so. It feels good just to sit around and be happy about life.

Just life in general. I look around and am happy that I'm home, happy that I have a home and all the things inside. At one point I didn't have anything, not even a car. Now I've got all these nice things,, flat panel tv, , tv's in all rooms of the house,, new livingroom furniture,, nice covers on my bed.. heck.. lawn furniture.. I know it may seem trivial to some, but I have worked really hard to get where I am.

Four years ago I thought it was all over. I thought my life was at a dead end, that things would never get better. I would think about being sober and then I would think, what the hell for?? What do I have to be sober for? This life sucks! But, it really doesn't. It is wonderful.

Anyway,, earlier today, my husband and I were talking and he brought up something that made me feel really bad. It was something I did when I was using. Usually I am okay with talking about those days. But not this time. I was upset that he brought it up, and I was mad,, and guilty and I don't know what else.. I felt so many things, and I knew that I didn't want him to talk about it.

He didn't mean to make me feel this way,, I know this because it really wasn't a big deal, the thing he was talking about. I guess, because I have come so far,, when I look back now,, I feel even worse about some things that I did. At the time I did them, and was using,, it was no big deal. But I look back now and am disgusted. I am ashamed of myself. I think, what a loser i was.

I don't want to be that loser anymore. And I don't think I am a loser. I just know I will never get those years back,, they are gone. Sometimes I feel guilty that I did that to my family,, that I wasted all of that time I could have had with them.

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Specializes in Rehab, Med Surg, Home Care.

OK, so you can never change the things that you did in the past and that can be a very bitter pill. But you CAN determine for the most part the direction you want your life to go in and how you choose to behave toward others for all the remaining days of your life. Just remember that your past is the past and not let it poison your future! Sometimes the negatives in our past can be more powerful motivators than anything else; keeping them alive in your memory may be what it takes to remind ourselves of where we DO want to be. So go for it! Good Luck!

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Specializes in Trauma/ER, Dialysis (yuck!).

Did you do 12 steps? Even if you didn't I know you have heard "just for today"....That means we live in TODAY. That is all we have! Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't here, so we have TODAY.

I know it sounds like a cliche, but all those sayings in AA/NA are there for a reason! I have struggled so much with my past, and understand exactly what you are talking about. But just keep telling yourself that person is the "old person", the person with a very real disease that is currently in check and being treated is who you are today!

One last thing, our past sometimes helps us function and can keep us in recovery. 5 yrs clean and I still have a "bondage box" It is a shoe box with real, tangible items (pictures, letters etc) that remind me of the "old man"...who I was NOT WHO I AM, but it is a reminder of what I never want to return to. Somedays it helps to see and feel those reminders....it helps me "play the tape forward".

Remember even batteries have a negative side! Without it, it would not work right! :bugeyes:

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

MgSO4~

How I wish I could reach out and hug you right now!! You are a precious child of God, and He doesn't make losers............please don't ever think of yourself that way again, OK?

If there's one thing I've learned in half a century of living that I wish every person on earth could understand, it's this: you cannot change what's over. Don't waste the present feeling guilty for what you've done (or not done) in the past. Dwelling on the "coulda-shoulda-woulda's" only keeps us mired in misery, prevents us from moving forward, and makes us addicts more likely to relapse!

You have built an incredible life from the ashes of your old one. Be proud of what you have accomplished, and never let anyone put you down, not even for a minute, because of past actions. You have done something that only a relative handful of sufferers throughout history have been able to do; while you must ever be vigilant and never consider yourself "cured", you've already done the hardest work of your recovery.

Now you need to celebrate every day of your sober life, and continue to build on the foundation you established four years ago---don't waste another minute in regrets.

Good luck, and God Bless!

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Specializes in ICU.

Thank you very, very much :)

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Specializes in Med-Surg., Agency Nursing, LTC., MDS..

Wow Marla,you are awesome !! Absolutely, I could not have said it better. And Mag. thanks for listening to my long... tirade last nite.(shocked,got fired). I've have those same feelings from time to time. "Why did it have to take me sooo long to get this recovery thing ? " The "things I've" done... Those things that happened were not done by you or by me, but by some aweful,,dispiccable, alien monster,(that wasnt the real you) who you and I willl keep on running from. Does that make sense ? You are now the new,the improved and grateful you,who is moving forward to love your family,love yourself and your great life.The events of our past,the good and the bad are what shape us to be the people we are today. I feel so blessed that I was given another chance at LIFE ... Here I go again on another spiel !!! You're beautiful !

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Specializes in Rehab, Infection, LTC.

sometimes i think you must be my long lost twin! your OP could have been written by me.

the fears and feeling you express are the very ones i feel.

i'm so proud of you mags!

wanna ride around in my new car and then go sit on your new furniture together? :)

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Specializes in ICU.
sometimes i think you must be my long lost twin! your OP could have been written by me.

the fears and feeling you express are the very ones i feel.

i'm so proud of you mags!

wanna ride around in my new car and then go sit on your new furniture together? :)

yeahhh!!!!!! :lol2:

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do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. because the past is who you are today. it took every drink and every drug down to the very last one to get you where you are today. i know this sounds like an oxy moron but just think of the gratitude we have knowing that we never have to go back to where we came from. the memories we have of our bad times are just little reminders of how awesome we are now, so please continue to be happy, joyous and free. I'm right there with you. heck-i just purchased myself a brand new bbq grill. never used to buy myself anything!

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MgSO4~

How I wish I could reach out and hug you right now!! You are a precious child of God, and He doesn't make losers............please don't ever think of yourself that way again, OK?

If there's one thing I've learned in half a century of living that I wish every person on earth could understand, it's this: you cannot change what's over. Don't waste the present feeling guilty for what you've done (or not done) in the past. Dwelling on the "coulda-shoulda-woulda's" only keeps us mired in misery, prevents us from moving forward, and makes us addicts more likely to relapse!

You have built an incredible life from the ashes of your old one. Be proud of what you have accomplished, and never let anyone put you down, not even for a minute, because of past actions. You have done something that only a relative handful of sufferers throughout history have been able to do; while you must ever be vigilant and never consider yourself "cured", you've already done the hardest work of your recovery.

Now you need to celebrate every day of your sober life, and continue to build on the foundation you established four years ago---don't waste another minute in regrets.

Good luck, and God Bless!

Viva I really look forward to reading your posts...Wise lady....Kudos

TuTonka:yeah:

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Specializes in HH, SNF, LTC, Hospital.

My sponsor reminds me often...Page 449...Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. It's either that or change, I can choose to change it if I can or not repeat the past. Staying in today as others suggest keep me from meandering down those old roads thru my old life, UNTIL a newcomer asks me how I did it. THEN it is an asset, and not a wasted moment, painful yes, sad to remember, sure, but wasted? NOPE.

The 12 steps teach me that my past, can avert death when shared with another. So just for today, I thank you for sharing and wish you continued growth in sobriety. The best is yet to come!

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i hope you're feeling better today. i'm know i'm guilty of doing that with my husband (he's sober almost 5 years now). sometimes things just come out of my mouth, even though i think i've forgiven the past, sometimes all those emotions, i had from the pain of being hurt and disappointed so much, gets triggered somehow.

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