This is really messed up, I know….

Please see a therapist for your emotional turmoil.

You do realize, don't you, that hospital patients do NOT get a lot of true rest. There are constant interruptions throughout a person's hospitalization, for v/s, meds, IV's and IV meds, transportation to and from x-rays and other tests, house-keeping, meal delivery, assistance to BR, up to chair, walk in hallway, it goes on and on. Don't ever envy any patient in the hospital because they can rest.

And I second CrunchRN's advice to see a therapist; it will be the best thing you ever did for yourself.

I'm sorry you are struggling with depression.  Please put yourself first and do what you need to take care and get better.  If that means taking FMLA, getting therapy, or quitting your bedside job and finding something easier like working at a clinic instead I urge you to do that.  

I don't know what the source of your depression is but if you feel a lot of it is coming from your job or the working conditions of your job please make that change for yourself and your family.  You are worth it!  

You don't have to stay in a job that makes you feel miserable.  You deserve to be happy.  Give yourself permission to quit the job and find something better.  

As a patient in the hospital four times (for childbirth), I can assure you that you would not get any rest.  I had a bp cuff on that took my bp every 10 minutes--all night and all day.  I had q2h blood draws around the clock.  My IV was beeping all the time.  I was so tired and couldn't wait to get home.

Also, as someone who has felt the way you felt in the past, please get professional help.  I know firsthand how it feels to think death is the only way out.  I've also seen the pain caused by someone who kills themselves--their family and friends had such immense pain.  Depression is a horrible thing and will only get worse if you don't seek help.  Don't be embarrassed to admit that you're depressed.  Don't be embarrassed to see a psychiatrist/therapist.  If anyone tries to shame you or tell you it's not that bad, cut them out of your life because they're not a good person.

Do it for your child if you feel like you don't have the strength to do it for yourself.  I did it for my kids because they need a mom who can give her all to them.  Your child will notice something is off as they get older.  Please seek help today.  There are places that have sliding fee scales if you cannot afford mental help.

I actually don’t feel depressed. I’m just tired of taking care of everyone else all the time. I just want someone to care for me. Also, as I get older life just seems less interesting and I kind of look forward to what’s next. I promise I’m not suicidal. Just perhaps have a screwed up outlook on life and humanity at the moment. I do have an amazing trip planned for next year with my family that I’m looking forward to and children to live for because I want to see them grow. 

On 10/13/2022 at 11:22 PM, Milkofamnesia02 said:

…but, do you ever wish you were the one in the hospital bed so that nothing is expected of you and you can actually rest? I think of this from time to time. 

I have a young coworker who had something wrong with her eye and so she went to the eye doctor. They discovered a tumor behind her eye. After more testing, come to find out she was eaten up entirely by pancreatic cancer that had metastasized. She had a few months left to live and , to my horror, I found myself feeling a bit jealous. Sometimes I don’t want to be on this earth anymore. I’m tired of taking care of everyone but myself. I know this is awful to admit and I guess I will get bashed for it. Idc. I’m tired. If it wasn’t for my youngest child that is two years old I’d probably just really want to leave this world. There. I said it.

My coworker died four months after her diagnosis. I think about it often. I planned this elaborate crazy expensive family trip to somewhere I’ve always wanted to go because life is too short. We work ourselves to death. Sorry for the morbid post.

Many years ago, as a RN and a mom to 2 young children, I often said to myself "I'd love to be the patient and be taken care of". I was falling into negative patterns, thoughts, habits, etc....all to cope. I had EVERYTHING going for myself and many people would have loved to have a life like mine. I was healthy, and wishing to be a patient....just for some respite...I now, 9 years later recognize as me not having healthy coping mechanisms or a good self care routine. 

To put it short and not so sweet, I was UNGRATEFUL X10!! Took me losing everything and I mean....everything....before I made some serious changes and did a lot of inner work. Now I try to find things I'm grateful for daily.

Today....I'd give anything to be an RN again in that job that I truly wasn't as grateful as I thought I was for having. I got my chance to be that patient also.....I'll never wish for that again. 

Do yourself a favor and get a good therapist/counselor that can help with the stress and self care. It's a gift that we can give ourselves before we lose the gifts we been given ?

3 hours ago, Milkofamnesia02 said:

I actually don’t feel depressed. I’m just tired of taking care of everyone else all the time. I just want someone to care for me. Also, as I get older life just seems less interesting and I kind of look forward to what’s next. I promise I’m not suicidal. Just perhaps have a screwed up outlook on life and humanity at the moment. I do have an amazing trip planned for next year with my family that I’m looking forward to and children to live for because I want to see them grow. 

I get what you mean. I think you might be in the same boat I was years ago. If anyone would've said I was ungrateful, I'd tell them to kiss my orifice....and probably not that kindly. 

My desire to just drop everything and be cared for was something brewing deeper under the surface that I never would have recognized for myself. 

I ended up getting the relief and care I needed in the form of opiates, some find it in a bottle, shopping mall....etc..you get it. 

All I can do now is pass on my experience, strength, and hope to the next Nurse ...who is feeling burned out. Hopefully before it leads to things that are not good. 

Take care and best regards!

P.S. Therapy isn't just for ppl who are depressed, suicidal, etc...But truly for ppl before getting to that point. They can offer solutions to things that we don't think of....or realize we need. 

OP may have a challenge to find a highly qualified helpful therapist. Some may waste your time and money. Some do not know the right questions to ask you. Never settle for less than excellent therapy     I have a psychology background