need your advice

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Hiya, how are all of you nurses(not gender specific lol) Well I actually need a mans perspective. Ok I am a RN who is separated from an 18 year mental and physically abusive relationship. Since separating, I have joined the local Vol Fire Dept as a first responder. I am happy, have made friends, and feel accepted and trusted as a friend, and nurse. Problem is he still is making me feel inferior, disapproves of me in FD b/c thinks I am trying to find a man, nope last thing from my mind, I want to transfer from a state facility to ER b/c I want to pursue my FNP and need the experience, he thinks that is stupid to leave a state paid job blah blah blah. OK what I need to know is HOW can I convey to him how much I love nursing and caring for other ppl even in times of dire crisis. Besides my children, Nursing and helping others is my passion, and have not been able to act on this until now. I wanted to go help with Katrina and know what he said???????? YOU JUST WANT RECOGNITION:uhoh3: omg please give me some input, but you know I really shouldnt explain anything, just continue bein happy. I dont think this man will ever understand concept of helping others. To save our marraige I gave him the opportunity to get counseling with or without me, he chose not to go so out he went:chuckle

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Specializes in Nephrology, Cardiology, ER, ICU.

Hi - (hope you don't mind another female's opinion). I too am a volunteer fire person and love it. No...I'm not looking for a guy either (I've got the best one), but just love the extension of my job in the ER. I say, (IMHO), that you tell x-hubby to shove off. It's not his life. Why does he even need to know what you are doing?

My other concern is that if he is still this controlling, getting into some counseling for you and the children might be appropriate in order to be able to stand up to this man.

Good luck...

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Congrats on distancing yourself from that........ If you think back to your education in nursing school and remember your psychiatry course, do you remember why abusive men are abusive?? You said that he tries to make you feel inferior, and I'm sure no doubt that it has gotten worse since you left him, and I'm sure that if you went through nursing school it got worse when you started school and right when you graduated and started working. The reason is that he feels threatened, he wants you to be dependent on him because he is insecure that if you had independence from him that you wouldn't care to have him around. Making you feel dependent and inferior is how psychologically ties you to a leash. You wanted to know how to convey to him how much you love nursing, etc.... You can't, and you certainly don't have to; personally if someone hasn't experienced nursing first hand then they have no idea what kind of a person it takes to do that job and what kind of a mentality the person that is doing that job has. There is no way to convey that to him short of him getting the education and being a nurse. But back to the point here, the point is you feel like you have to convey this to him and you don't; you are separated from him which is good but he is still influencing your life which is bad, you need to drop him completely. In a way you are still feeling like you have to please him because that's what he has filtered into your mind over the past 18 years, it's hard to break that but it has to be done if you want to move on and achieve those goals that you do. As long as you keep him around he will do whatever he can to keep you from accomplishing those goals because it promotes your independence from him..........My opinion is that you silence him from your life completely. :nono:

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Specializes in Hospice, Med/Surg, ICU, ER.

Tell him to take a flying freak at a rolling donut!

If he is out of your life (as he should be if he's abusive) who cares what he thinks anymore?

As a male, I just cannot understand women that refuse to show a jerk to the door. There are too many of us good ones out there... and the bad ones give us all a hard time.

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Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.
As a male, I just cannot understand women that refuse to show a jerk to the door. There are too many of us good ones out there... and the bad ones give us all a hard time.
Women who grew up in abusive homes tend to gravitate toward abusive men because that's all they know. Isn't that a strange phenomenom?
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Specializes in Hospice, Med/Surg, ICU, ER.
Women who grew up in abusive homes tend to gravitate toward abusive men because that's all they know. Isn't that a strange phenomenom?

Decidedly strange, IMHO.

It just doesn't compute to me. :uhoh3:

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AMEN to clee1's response. Move on with your life, without him in it. You will be absolutly amazed when you get away from him how free you will feel. This advice is coming from a guy who was married to an abusive woman, lol. Not physically, lol, but after our divorce I took a poll that defined abusive relationships and 7 of the 9 scenarios applied to me! I found out yesterday that she is getting married again. Poor guy, he doesn't have a clue what he's in for! Probably a nice guy too. Just my :twocents:. Good luck!

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Specializes in Med-Surg, Geriatric, Behavioral Health.
AMEN to clee1's response. Move on with your life, without him in it. You will be absolutly amazed when you get away from him how free you will feel. This advice is coming from a guy who was married to an abusive woman, lol. Not physically, lol, but after our divorce I took a poll that defined abusive relationships and 7 of the 9 scenarios applied to me! I found out yesterday that she is getting married again. Poor guy, he doesn't have a clue what he's in for! Probably a nice guy too. Just my :twocents:. Good luck!

I second that, bell47.

Been there...bought the tee shirt.

Life is so much better afterward.

Boundaries are your friend.

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You ARE communicating that to him. The problem is not your method of communication; the problem is the receiver.

It wouldn't matter what you said or did; he is not going to "understand."

You aren't responsible for his WARPED perceptions. Stop trying to prove your innocence....even criminals are innocent until proven guilty.

Get away from him, far, far away.

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Specializes in Med-Surg.

I echo the others sentiments. He's already out the door. It's time for you to not let his words or thoughts have any bearing or opinion on your life.

You say you're separated, but he still has tremendous control over your feelings.

He's yesterday's news. There is no need for you to validate your current life to him. If he thinks you're crazy, stupid or looking for another man, those are his thoughts.

Cut the strings and the ties and move on.

Good luck.

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Specializes in Telemetry, OR, ICU.
I echo the others sentiments. He's already out the door. It's time for you to not let his words or thoughts have any bearing or opinion on your life.

You say you're separated, but he still has tremendous control over your feelings.

He's yesterday's news. There is no need for you to validate your current life to him. If he thinks you're crazy, stupid or looking for another man, those are his thoughts.

Cut the strings and the ties and move on.

Good luck.

nicenurse911121 - Sounds like Tweety has some good advice. BTW, are you divorced, or seperated? IMHO, a divorce is applicable since he refused any counseling, etc.

Good luck!

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You gals and guys are wonderful, thanks for the time to take to share with me. Everyday is easier, and happier, and not quite as lonely as I thought it would be. :nurse:

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