just can't believe this...

[jnette, ASN, EMT-I]

I just can't... this is too much. Too unfair. Too stinkin' WRONG !!!

Remember me telling you all about our neat patient who just got married a little over a week ago? Who's dad was our patient, too.. the "rooster man"? This young man who had come soooooo far.. from ornery to kind, funny, thoughtful, and sweet? Who surprised us all with his sheepish announcement about getting married ?

He's gone.

Dead.

Freakin' GONE !!!!! ForEVER !!!Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He came in for tx. this am as always... but he had gotten a bad respiratory infection along with 80% of our other patients the very next day after his wedding.. he brought in photos, and the next day his sweet wife came in and introduced herself, and we all fell in love with her.

But then all our patients got this "flu" (???) or wicked respiratory infection... we made everyone wear masks, ourselves include last week.. they were all hacking and coughing, chills, fever.. the works. One of our little ladies was hospitalized with pneumonia, many are still sick.. lung sounds are all horrible.

But -------- was one of the sickest. He went to two different docs.. was put on keflex.. no help... went back this week, did cxr, they decided bronchitis.. changed the abx, gave him phenergan as he'd not been able to keep ANYTHING down all week.. asked to be taken off the machine early twice as he could stand no more, he was so sick...

today was the first day he actuallysmiled and said he felt just a little better, but his color was still ashen. We urged him to get his butt up to urgent care this weekend if he did not improve or got worse. He said he would. He then wished us Happy New Year and a good weekend, and out the door he went. That was the last we would ever see of him... alive. EVER.

Shortly after lunch we got a phone call from the ER.. said they had one of our patients up there.. he had arrested.. but didn't make it.. came in DOA. Respiratory arrest.

We had to take turns leaving the floor to process the shock and grief.. we all cryed most of the afternoon. I just can't believe this.

The man never even had a honeymoon .. he got sick the very next day and was sick all through the holidays... he's not been married but a little over a week, for crying out loud !!! His poor wife is in Tenn. getting her things to move up here, so she awasn't even able to be with him as he drew his last breath !!! They have to call her there and tell her the horrible news !

Apparently (as we heard later) he went home and started having difficulty breathing... he called his mother thinking it might be good for her to stop by when she could.. but she doesn't drive or have a car. She must have had to wait and call another family member to leave work or something, but it was nearly two hours before she got over there... only to find him dead there in his little house.

You guys.. this hurts so bad. I'm still so in shock.

I really didn't even want to sit down at the computer tonight as I feared writing this would make it "real".. I'd have to accept it if it was "real".

But real it is. I can't deny it. I must accept it. But I still cannot believe it.

This will be one hard memorial service to attend... and we wouldn't think of not going. But to have to see his wife now... and all his sisters who loved him so much.. their "baby brother"...

his poor Momma who must be writhing in guilt and selfhatred right now... and at the very same place we said goodbye to his "ol' man", the "Rooster Man" only a couple years ago...

it's all too much.

This is the pits. The total stinkin' pits.

Sorry so long.

Thanx for letting me get it out.

[Gator,SN]

Sorry to hear about this Jnette. I know that you must be hurting but please take comfort in knowing that you helped him in ways that meant everything. We never know how long we really have so we cherish each and everyday. You helped him and his new bride do that, even if it was only for a few. I meant everything I'm sure.

Gator

[susi_q]

Jnette, I'm so sorry for the loss you are feeling. He must have been really special to touch so many, so deeply. Hope that his memorial service is a good time of healing & reminiscing (sp?)

[Bambi]

Jnette,

I am so sorry this has happened. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))

I know this is a very hard time for you right now. I am glad you took out the time to post this, because you have friends here that care about you, and what you are going through. It's okay to cry. I will pray for you and that poor family during this very hard time. May God bring comfort to your hurting.

[oramar]

We all know how attached you become to your patients in your speciality. We all grieve with you.

[hbscott]

I learned (the hard way) in my Oncology Practice that these things happen in spite of our best efforts. I also learned that if we don't take time to grieve in a meaningful way the consequences of professional and personal burnout develop more rapidly.

Please take the time to take care of you when these things happen. It's all too easy not to.

Warmest Regards,

-HBS

[ShelleyERgirl, LPN]

Jnette, I am so sorry, my friend. I know how much you care and just how truly big your heart is. Please know that you are in my prayers this evening. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling but you are not alone, not as long as you have all of us here.

(((((((((((Jnette))))))))))))

[Sarah Kat]

My family's prayers are with you, the rest of your nurses, and the patient's family.

[live4today, RN]

((((((((((jnette)))))))))) My thoughts and prayers are with you. :kiss

[jnette, ASN, EMT-I]

I appreciate all of your replies. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'm about ready for that vacation now. It has been a VERY hectic and frazzling two weeks.. filled with both ups and downs... joys and sorrows. Emotionally and physically exhausting.

We have lost three patients now in two weeks... this last one was the straw that broke this old camel's back. :stone

But it will not deter me from giving my all... for I know that there shall be others in their places who are just as worthy of my all.

He will be remembered fondly.. forever. And I know he would want us to give the same care we gave to him to the ones who will take his place... and no less.

It was just SO unexpected... we truly all thought we would "grow old together"... he had so very much yet to live for. His life had really just begun these past few years as he relinquished old resentments and bitterness. He found love ... not only for his father, a woman who would become his bride.. but also for himself. It was so evident in all he said and did. He had everything to look forward to. It just seems so unfair. So very sad.

And to know that it wasn't even his disease that killed him... but a stinking "cold/flu/respiratory infection" ! I know that his immunity was lacking due to his disease... but still.

Yes, I think it's time to get away for a few weeks. The timing is right. As I watch the changing landscape with the passing miles, I can reflect on the meaning of things.. and put them in perspective again.

I know that I have been blessed by knowing him... I hope he knows that as well. I know that he is now in good Hands. I pray for his dear bride now.. and his family he leaves behind.

Again, thank you all.

[barefootlady, ADN, RN]

Jnette

Please know that you, the other nurses, and the patient's family are in my prayers and thoughts. It does not mean much now but one day you will come to realize that his suffering is over. I hope his family can find peace and consulation in knowing this also.

Take your rest Jnette, you give so much and you need time to replenish your soul. God will hold you in his embrace until you can cope with this loss.

[warrior woman]

God bless you and keep you gentle Jnette. You are a true guardian angel. Your patients are extremely lucky to have you for a nurse. Take a rest and be good to yourself, and allow your soul to heal. Love you my friend.