Do you ever have doubts?

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Mar 5, 2012

I've been a nurse for 15 years, and I still remember the day I almost threw in the towel.

It was the first day of clinicals. After two years of taking prerequisites and four weeks of theory classes, the day finally arrived to put on my white uniform and begin actually caring for real patients. The second I looked in the full-length mirror, though, panic set in.....suddenly I felt like the biggest fraud ever perpetrated on the nursing profession. I looked like a nurse. I wore a badge that proclaimed me as a student nurse. And no doubt all the frail elderly people I was about to be turned loose among, would think I really was a nurse.

I almost took off the uniform and said "Ah, the hell with it. I can't do this." Then it struck me: If not nursing, then what??! I'd spent two years and thousands of dollars on my education already, and an associate's of general studies was NOT going to get me anywhere. So I got in my car and drove to the nursing home......it was one of the hardest things I'd ever done up to that point, but I'm happy to say that once there, I never looked back. :)

You can do this, too. Trust me. And in a few years when you're an RN, you'll look back on your crisis-of-confidence moment and share it with another scared student....and the circle of life will continue. :hug:

mofomeat · Mar 5, 2012

I haven't gotten as far as you yet, I'm still in the prereqs at the moment.

But I grapple with this feeling probably at least once per semester. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's that I'm not sure if I will be good at it or not. I can grasp all the stuff like the chemistry, the A&P, the formulas... but once we move past them I nearly forget them in a few weeks. In A&PII right now it's about half new material and half review. When the teacher asks review questions, the other students have the answer much faster than I do. I know it if I think it through logically, or at least I remember enough about it to where I can look it up and pick it up again as I start reading.

I tell myself that most of this theory won't be used in the day-to-day stuff, and that the actual hands-on day-to-day stuff will be so day-to-day that I'll never forget it.

But I also know that I'm a tad scatterbrained and have a 'weak memory' when it comes to some things, especially tedium. We'll see what happens, but the very last thing I want to be is a lousy nurse. I want to be good at what I do.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Mar 5, 2012

you know, i learned something about this sort of thing way back when i was learning to do lots of things. my sweet old grandmother (who was really a tough old bird and i loved her wildly) told me to look around and see all the other people that were doing (whatever it was). some were smart, some were dumb as bricks; some were pretty and some were ugly; some were fast and others were slow. the thing to tell myself, she said, was to keep saying, "if they can do it, i can do it."

worked for learning to ski, drive, crochet, be a mother, be a teacher, be a nurse. everything. i swear, i stopped stressing about learning and doing new things and what other people would think about my attempts at that moment and have never looked back.

gogrady · Mar 5, 2012

All virtues come at a price. It usually follows that the greater the virtue the greater the price one must pay for its pursuit. Anyone who has every dared to reach beyond themselves to aspire to something greater has felt the pain which you are currently undergoing. Exhaustion is just as applicable to the mind and soul as it is to the body but just as physical exercise conditions and improves the body when performed correctly so are the mind and soul by mental and spiritual exercise. Often times we are shaped more by the trials of our doubts than by the heights of our convictions for it is in our doubts that we find ourselves forced to truly decide what to leave in and what to give up. All of us have different ways of coping and I don't believe there is a catch all mechanism for everyone. As for myself I view my time and dedication to nursing as a manifestation of the love that I feel for my fellow man. Whenever I am dealing with a difficult patient or having a hard day I try to remember 1st Corinthians Chapter 13 and question if my thoughts and actions are directed in a manner of love. We as human beings hold an extraordinary power over others through our moods and behaviors but more importantly we hold the ultimate power of choice over ourselves and how we conduct our lives. That choice is up to you every moment of every day that you will ever live and nothing and no one can ever take that away from you unless you consent to giving it.

MadpeysRN · Mar 5, 2012

the closer to graduation I get the more scared I get, 2 semesters left. But I just ignore the thought, smile, and carry on. because I know my heart is in it, and i tell myself all the expert nurses already out there thought the same thing at some point during their journey. :nurse:

OB-nurse2013, BSN, RN · Mar 5, 2012

Wow I can totally relate! I had a hard time a little bit my first semester, questioned myself. Second semester, really did great and felt like I really made a great choice and that nursing was really something I could excel at. Now third semester and I've doubted myself a bit again. I'm doing okay gradewise but have terrible clinical sites, didn't know anyone in my clinical group, and have had some really emotional times outside of school that have really shaken me. I don't know if it's normal but its hard to be at the hospita when all you can think of when you're there is the loved one you just lost there. I'm assuming this is something that will change but its got me wondering if nursing really is such a sad field...I don't know but I'm on a much needed break right now.

Travelswithmutt · Mar 5, 2012

Hang in there, things will get better. I remember going through nursing school and wanting to put my head through a wall on a daily basis. I was relieved on the day I finally graduated thinking all the BS was over (ha!), then when it was time to take the NCLEX and *whew* thinking finally all that BS was over (haha!) and then it was time to start looking for jobs I was overcome with a sense of dread. I was turned away from my first interview at the facility I had poured all of my dreams and hard work into. After wanting to become a mental health nurse and working at a group home for schizophrenic women for 3 years and turning in my resume I left the interview with a big, fat "NO". What?! I had worked so hard and now I was forced to put my application in at all these places I had never wanted, never considered. It was sickening. If I wasn't a MH nurse then what was I? That was a bittersweet learning experience because I ended up not going to work in mental health (well in the psychiatric sense, we ALL work in mental health I suppose even if you aren't even a nurse!) but now I work in the OR and I can't imagine having done things different. My point is that it is all a long winding effed up road and like Viejas says, you are going to feel like a failure, a fraud but don't turn your back on this. You have come this far and one day you are going to wake up and all of this is going to be years behind you and there you will be, a real nurse. Getting paid for all of this stuff you are putting up with in nursing school for free! There will be many times in your life where you will need to remember to take that road trip, visit that museum, take a deep breath and get back in there and do your thing. Remember: nobody is born knowing how to do a darn thing, you have to learn to walk, to feed yourself, to ride a bicycle. Don't be so hard on yourself, put your game face on, and give yourself a chance to learn how to do this too!

Do-over, ASN, RN · Mar 5, 2012

Nursing school was one of the most stressful times of my life... Frankly, I'd be more worried if there wasn't the occasional doubt, the occasional thought of "what the heck did I get myself into?!?".

It is worth it, at least it was for me. I was never so proud of myself as I was the day I graduated from nursing school.

Do-over, ASN, RN · Mar 5, 2012

PS - Viva and GrnTea - I love reading your posts!

Kuniklo · Mar 6, 2012

I am in school and having doubts too. I love the things that I do at clinicals and talking to pts, but I've come to realize that this isn't a very "intellectual" field. Sometimes it doesn't feel like anything but a "trade." Of course, I'm not knocking on anyone's profession and I know that nursing is NOT that, it's just how I feel so far. Things will probably change. I just hope I don't regret not going on to be an aerospace phycisist or a cosmologist (e.g. Neil DeGrasse Tyson).

Despareux · Mar 6, 2012

There wasn't a semester when I didn't feel like throwing in the towel. After my third semester, I had the entire summer off and was really enjoying my time with my family. Everything was golden. Fourth semester rolled around and it was one week before I had to return for the fall semester. I cried for a couple of days and decided that I loved my family more and wasn't going to return to school. School became traumatic-like. My husband talked me into going back. I reluctantly returned and did very well that semester--grades-wise. I'm finishing up my fifth semester and in one week, I will be a graduate nurse.

Nursing school has been the greatest force of resistance in my life that I had to overcome. Not only have I gained a vast amount of knowledge, but I've gained a kind of strength that is nearly impossible to describe to those who have not endured the rigors of nursing school.

You can do this, even when you feel at your weakest.