is this child abuse?

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hi everyone~

i am a regular lurker and a sometimes poster here, but i choose to post this under another account.

i am a single mom, and work and go to school full-time, hence i need child care for my two preschoolers. i started with a in-home daycare as my kids could be together, and at first i liked the teacher/provider. but over the course of about 8 months, more and more things started to bother me.

"K" as i will call her, became more and more distant to my kids at dropoff, keeping me for half hour at a time at dropoff to discuss (what i see) trivial things, such as my daughters non interest in fruit, or her late toilet training, or my son's speech delay. when i suffered from some herniated discs and was getting epidural injections, i became so sick that it induced a lupus flare. i looked, and felt, like hell. out of friendly conversation, i mentioned that i had lupus. after that she began telling me about "someone she knows" who has lupus also, and how the doctors are all evil people who try to kill people with medicine, and don't know what they are doing, ad nauseum. i cut it off rather abruptly, and began seeking alternate care for my kids. there are many things that bothered me, but i won't bore everyone to death here.

the last straw was one morning, i dropped them off, and without a word, she swung open the door to her house to let us in. my son was carrying a keychain that he adores carrying with him in the car when we drive (which she doesn't allow at her house while he's there, that's fine, i usually take it away when i go). the first thing she does is gasps, rolls her eyes at me, and proceeds to yank his little 3 year old body into a sitting position on the floor, yelling at him that he can't have it, and then scolding me for allowing him to have such an inappropriate toy. my son was in tears as she proceeded to try to yank of his jacket. i stopped her, wanting to do some awful things, but calmly told her to take her hands off my son, and then i told her to gather my things that were at her house and informed her they would not be returning. she quickly began apologizing, and tried for ten minutes to convince me to let them stay, then tried to get me to sign a form of hers that said i was happy with her care. i got my kids and my things out of there, with my son still sobbing.

i have asked several colleagues and friends if they consider this abuse, and if it should be reported. what do you think? am i just over-reacting? or did "K" over-step her bounds? thanks to anyone who has read this far, and for any advice anyone can offer.

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you remained calm - she yells and yanks.

is she likely to change?

when someone yells at another person, it feels awful. And it isn't necessary to yell (unless people are so far away that they wouldn't hear otherwise).

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you need to find new child care - ASAP. Reputable daycare centers do complete criminal background checks on their employees and many children have adjusted nicely going to a more structured facility from home or home based daycare. Or even finding another in home childcare situation that is licenced through the city or state - they also have to submit fingerprints and such. I work for a large city hospital which offers daycare for children of students and employees, so it may be something you'd want to look into?

As for child abuse - that's a fine line, isn't it? If you felt that the woman spoke to your child in an abusive tone in your presence, how is she speaking to him when you are not around?

I hope that you find a solution that works for you, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

J

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Specializes in OB/GYN,L&D,FP office,LTC.

Wonder what goes on when no adults are present?

Does she take care of other children?

How would you feel if something happened to other children in her care and you

had not reported it?

I think the incident needs to be reported.

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hi everyone~

i am a regular lurker and a sometimes poster here, but i choose to post this under another account.

i am a single mom, and work and go to school full-time, hence i need child care for my two preschoolers. i started with a in-home daycare as my kids could be together, and at first i liked the teacher/provider. but over the course of about 8 months, more and more things started to bother me.

"K" as i will call her, became more and more distant to my kids at dropoff, keeping me for half hour at a time at dropoff to discuss (what i see) trivial things, such as my daughters non interest in fruit, or her late toilet training, or my son's speech delay. when i suffered from some herniated discs and was getting epidural injections, i became so sick that it induced a lupus flare. i looked, and felt, like hell. out of friendly conversation, i mentioned that i had lupus. after that she began telling me about "someone she knows" who has lupus also, and how the doctors are all evil people who try to kill people with medicine, and don't know what they are doing, ad nauseum. i cut it off rather abruptly, and began seeking alternate care for my kids. there are many things that bothered me, but i won't bore everyone to death here.

the last straw was one morning, i dropped them off, and without a word, she swung open the door to her house to let us in. my son was carrying a keychain that he adores carrying with him in the car when we drive (which she doesn't allow at her house while he's there, that's fine, i usually take it away when i go). the first thing she does is gasps, rolls her eyes at me, and proceeds to yank his little 3 year old body into a sitting position on the floor, yelling at him that he can't have it, and then scolding me for allowing him to have such an inappropriate toy. my son was in tears as she proceeded to try to yank of his jacket. i stopped her, wanting to do some awful things, but calmly told her to take her hands off my son, and then i told her to gather my things that were at her house and informed her they would not be returning. she quickly began apologizing, and tried for ten minutes to convince me to let them stay, then tried to get me to sign a form of hers that said i was happy with her care. i got my kids and my things out of there, with my son still sobbing.

i have asked several colleagues and friends if they consider this abuse, and if it should be reported. what do you think? am i just over-reacting? or did "K" over-step her bounds? thanks to anyone who has read this far, and for any advice anyone can offer.

As a longtime licensed provider of a family daycare I think you did the right thing by removing your children. I far as the incident with the jacket, I don't know if I would call it abuse. I wasn't there and didn't witness the way in which she went about it (scolding him and handling him). If she is a licensed daycare I would encourage you to report the incident to the the proper official who can investigate it further. Sometimes it's hard to find the right provider. I think it is important for a provider to honor the parent and try to work with instead of against when it comes to the children. She sounded a bit controlling. I too had rules about things that were allowed in my home however sometimes rules got broken and for goodness sake they are children. They are your children! Although sometimes I encountered different parenting styles and different house rules I tried to respect those differences and not force my opinions or judgements upon the kiddos in my care. My job was to keep them safe and happy and hopefully make them feel loved and secure while their parents were away. Good Luck! P.S. I became a provider because like you I had a bad experience. I ran a family daycare for 5 years. Returned to work and school 2 years ago. I know it must be hard for you. Don't give up there are great providers out there.

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thanks everyone for your advice.

believe me, i have thought of all the things mentioned in the replies. time after time, i just feel like there is more than meets the eye in regards to the provider.

i don't know if i would call this incident "abuse", but i sure did make a complaint to the state (she is licensed). i also have never brought my children back there, i enrolled them in a center. which is great for my 4 year old daughter as she can't start kindergarten until next year. (she missed cutoff date by a few days to start this year). i don't like the fact that my kids have to be separated, but everyone i know has told me how much better they will do if they have time with other kids.

i will just be glad when my health is in a better state, and i am done with school (again). i sure do miss being with my kids.

good night everyone!

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Specializes in L&D/MB/LDRP.

I'm sorry to hear that you had this experience. My mother has been doing home day care for more than 25 years and there are a lot of people who have given the industry a bad name. From what I know about the business, you should should call & report her to her case worker. Document what happend and send a copy to her worker as well and her worker's supervisor. When they get complaints they must follow up & if more than one person has reported such incidents she will likely loose her license or suffer other disciplinary action.

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

Your instincts are your best guide sometimes. You are right to get them out of this situation. And it's right to report it. This lady may be stressed out, maybe tired, maybe a lot of things. But there is no excuse for her behavior, and like others said, if she does this sort of thing IN FRONT OF YOU, who KNOWS what goes on when you are not watching? Maybe she needs to quit this! I am sorry this happened to you and your kids. But you did the right thing to remove them from her care; don't you doubt it.

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Specializes in Utilization Management.
Your instincts are your best guide sometimes. You are right to get them out of this situation. And it's right to report it. This lady may be stressed out, maybe tired, maybe a lot of things. But there is no excuse for her behavior, and like others said, if she does this sort of thing IN FRONT OF YOU, who KNOWS what goes on when you are not watching? Maybe she needs to quit this! I am sorry this happened to you and your kids. But you did the right thing to remove them from her care; don't you doubt it.

I agree completely. No excuse.

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I agree with Smilingblueyes.....what goes on BEHIND your back? Scary stuff.

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What item was on that keychain that she felt was so unsafe? How strange!

Yes, report this. The fact that she tried to get you to sign a statement saying that you are pleased with her daycare really sets off a red light in my mind. That she did this indicates that she has had "experience" with unhappy clients and possibly investigations in the past.

She may or may not be doing something abusive, but if your intuition is telling you to beware, LISTEN!!

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Specializes in HIV/AIDS, Dementia, Psych.

There is no way I would leave my daughter with someone like that. You made the right decision and if it were me, I'd report her.

I thank God every day for my wonderful mom who watches my daughter for me. Whenever I hear stories like this one, I appreciate her even more!!

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