Hello everyone,

The last time I was on this forum was mid 2012. I apologize for the length of this thread, however, I was just looking for a little support. This was my last post in July 2012:

Hello everyone, I have posted before about my issues so I won't go into more detail. I currently and recently have a suspended RN license for 2 years for diversion of narcotics after falling into postpartum depression. Since then, I have had a very difficult time pulling myself together because of the shame and guilt I am experiencing. Currently, I am staying at home with my 7 month old daughter and doing all of the necessary compliance recommendations of the Board of Nursing. I was hoping to say that things have gotten easier since this past February but they have not been. I have been having a very, very difficult time forgiving myself and have a great deal of self hatred that I am dealing with. I feel like a failure. I sincerely care deeply about my profession and about my patients and am having a terrible time being away from nursing. However, I have been entirely sober and do not have ANY desire to use whatsoever. Sorry, I'm getting off topic. Anyway, I have always wanted to get my Masters degree in the healthcare field. Obviously, it would be my choice for it to be in Nursing but since I don't qualify for a MSN due to my current suspended license, I was wondering what you all thought about a Masters in Healthcare Administration. I would love to be a Nursing Director or a Nurse Manager etc.. someday but I feel extremely discouraged about the recent suspension. I hate to not get a Masters in Nursing specifically but.... would I be able to be a Nurse Manager/Administrator someday when my license is reinstated?? Would this Masters degree be helpful to the Bachelors degree that I already have? I was wondering if it would be an asset to my Bachelors or just not even worth it. Do any of you know the significant differences between a Masters Degree in Nursing: Nursing Administration and a Masters of Healthcare Administration? Can I get similar jobs? This is of course AFTER my license is reinstated. I figured that since I am home with my daughter anyway, I could look into an online Masters program. I hate to get excited about this because I don't want to be let down but this could most definitely help me get through these next few years. Please let me know what you all think. I greatly appreciate your comments. So sorry this was so long

Fast forward two years:

• Clean and sober of all mood altering chemicals/alcohol since my initial date of sobriety (almost three years sober and feeling great)
  
• Attend at least two or three meetings a week among many other meetings/apts.
  
• Compliant with all of the nursing board's demands and requests
  
• Started and completed my Masters Degree in Health Care Administration
  
• Recently reapplied for my nursing license in September and am anxiously awaiting the next step
  
• Chasing around a very busy "almost" three year old
  

I am not writing this to brag, whatsoever. I am writing because I am ready for the next step in this long process and I have been praying and praying (and PRAYING) that everything works out the way it's meant to work out. Although my husband and I have been getting by, the financial strain of my mistakes and faults have taken a tremendous toll over the past few years. I feel like I have been attempting to be very strong, but there are times when I need encouragement and prayers and am too afraid to ask. Now is one of those times. I am taking the risk of asking for that here because I know others have been in the same shoes. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to read this. It means a lot to me.

First off congratulations on your sobriety! Second congratulations on that little one, and then holding that marriage together, and finally on continuing your education! I am so glad you came back here- often times people float out and we all wonder what happened to them. I remember reading you first post when I first came here. I don't sense any bragging at all. I sense a woman who has worked hard at getting her legs back under her.

I am driven by fear as well- something I tirelessly work on through my 12 step program and sponsor- I am told it gets better but I fear my fear will be the last of my character defects to go (ha!). I have and will continue to pray for you.

Thank you very much for your response. I really appreciate it. Some days, I can motivate myself and provide myself with enough strength to look forward. Other days, I can feel defeated and overwhelmed by the whole process......and yes, fear. While I feel that this has been (by far) the worst experience of my life, I know it could have been significantly worse. After feeling a little discouraged this morning, your response really lifted my spirits. Thank you!

Remember that its all about how we perceive the situation. I am sure there have been many times in your sobriety thus far where you have said to yourself and others "this is the best worst thing that could have happened to me". Usually I only fall onto the side of "i wish I had never done any of this" it is when I am alone- stuck in the confines of my own mind. When I reach out I become less afraid and overwhelmed.

When I get into that mood I start counting the people I would have never met if I had not done this journey the same way. I would not even have met myself. Prior to this crazy journey I had things figured out. When it all came unraveled I realized that my entire identity was wrapped up in nursing and my idea of what success meant- wow had my life become small! now I am a lot of things- a sister, a twin, a daughter, an aunt, a plant nurse, a heavy box lifter, a rock climbin genius, hiker extraordinaire, a cat owner, and my oh my a nurse as well- but not one of these things defines me. It's truly crazy.

That is very helpful advice and I need to constantly remind myself to put this situation into perspective. I have been told that I am by far the harshest critic when it comes to the mistakes I've made. Part of me still wants to make myself feel guilty and ashamed about the past and even about overcoming what I've overcome, like I don't deserve happiness or success. I know this is distorted, unhealthy thinking and that I don't truly deserve a life sentence of misery and pain. It's hard for me to explain....But, I do know and trust that this was my path for a reason. And, like you mentioned, I have become the person I've become and met the most amazing people because of this path. I guess I just have my good days and bad days in regards to believing in myself. But, thank you again. Encouraging words are so helpful to me :)

Congratualtions. It is awesome how far you've come. Prayers for your contined success...you will get there!

You have made tremendous gains and progress...you should be so very proud!!!! Keep up the good work!

Wow. Thank you guys so much. I know I should feel proud, but I have a difficult time doing so. It's a work in progress, I suppose. Thank you very much for the encouraging words.

I am so happy for you. You sound very healthy, strong, committed and determined. I wish you nothing but the best of everything!

Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. I have never felt so encouraged

i am proud of you, your sobriety appears to be very important to you, you have been doing some very positive things....your BON WILL PROBABLY reinstate your lis. with several years of monitoring stipulations.........approach those "stipulations" as opportunities, i am a better nurse today for what I have gone thru, ie recovery etc, and am certain you will realize the same......CONGRATULATIONS!

Thank you very much for your thoughtful comment. It gives me courage to know that other people (nurses) have been through similar circumstances and have survived and actually "thrived" as you have. Good for you. I try to make my sobriety my number one priority in life and I pray that the hard work pays off in the end. Again, thank you for your encouraging words.

I was wondering what had happened to you. I'm thankful you are doing so well and am very proud of you!!! I'm glad you came back to tell us where your life has been taking you these past couple of years......I know it couldn't have been easy, but it's well worth it.