Should I go through with it?

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I need some advice. I'm to apply to lpn clinicals here in another week or so. I have an excellent chance of getting accepted. Problem is what's going on at home. Husband says he supports me, blah, blah, blah. We've talked about me not working while in clinicals (which are one year straight through). We've talked about the time commitment I need to make to studying, etc. Him picking up slack around the house. He was all on board for it.

But now that it is here, I'm really doubting myself. He has a drinking problem. Not your "typical" drunk, he holds a steady job, etc. But drinks most nights. And I believe him to be an alcoholic. Sometimes he drinks until he passes out, sometimes not. He can and has gotten verbally abusive. He's been this way for over 10 years, will not change, doesn't believe he has a problem. I have two girls 9 and 7. They are now old enough and are seeing his behavior and questioning it more and more. I'm very honest with them.

My problem is this, I don't trust him to pick up the slack around the house (he never has before so why start now) even though he says he will. He's already complaining about some of the clinical sites I'll have to drive to (pretty far away, 1 - 1.5 hours from home). Already complaining about having to take the kids to other functions, girl scouts, etc. And he's starting to complain about the fact that you don't get paid for clinicals. He went through a trade school apprenticeship and he got paid, why shouldn't I, over and over. I haven't even applied and been accepted and he's already bitching!!!!

I've only been working sporadic transcription - not a lot of bring home money. But I now have the opportunity to work for a company making really good money transcribing for them. I'm thinking about just holding off on lpn clinicals for now and saving my money to leave this jerk. I plan on continuing with my classes for RN. The local community college does offer a part-time clinical portion for rn. Takes two years, but hey, whatever.

I guess I just need some outside advice at this point.

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Specializes in being a Credible Source.

Yikes.

First off, I'm so sorry that your husband has manifested this horrible condition. My pops was a high-functioning drunk, too, and it impacted our lives very negatively.

Part of me wants to encourage you to get into school and out of school ASAP so that you can pursue your dreams with him or without him.

However, your kids come first and leaving them to rely on a drunk dad while you're putting in your clinical time is putting them at risk. Even if he does take them to girl scouts, what are the chances that he's going to be drunk while he's there? I've had that humiliation and it really, really hurts. I also experienced the pain of having pops removed from coaching my Little League team because he was showing up drunk.

I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the whole "in sickness and in health" thing so I'd encourage you to do the transcription thing for awhile and force the issue on his illness. You really need to see a professional and consider a friends/family intervention. If he continues to refuse treatment for his illness then you may have no choice but to distance yourself.

In the meantime, don't expose your lovely children to it anymore than they have to be. If you are putting in the time to do school, they will be even more likely to assume the caregiver role that is so common in children of alcoholics.

I hate to say it but now is probably not the time in life to be undertaking something like nursing school.

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Thanks for the reply. I've been "back in school" since 2005. So I've been taking my time. I lost my job in 9/07 and have been home since. His drinking waxes and wanes, but I know it will only get worse. I do attend al-anon meetings and am in therapy. My family is well aware of the situation and are on board for a family intervention. He will not seek counseling for our marriage or drinking and has told me so flat out. It's just so hard when one minute he's a great dad and good husband and then I have this drunken idiot on my hands.

I think I'm just going to keep plugging away one or two classes at a time for my rn and keep saving my money. When I can leave with the girls, we will. I know I can always finish school later.

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Specializes in ER/Ortho.

I think it depends on what you want to do, and whats support you have available to you now.

If your want to stay with this man I would advise you to not go into any committed programs right now, but to work on your marriage, family and this problem.

If you are trying to gather your resources as you say in the post to leave him then school might be a good idea. Once you graduate you will have a career so you can support and take care of your children without him if need be. If you explain to your children that you are doing this in order to provide them with the things they need I am sure that they will be understanding for year if they cannot go to scouts or whatever.

On a more serious side you need to have friend/family support because you do NOT want you husband drinking and putting your children in an car to drive them anywhere. He could wreck and kill them or at the very least be arrested for DUI and the kids would end up scared, embarrassed and terrified waiting for someone to pick them up at the police station. You might not want to leave the kids with him at all if he's abusive to you as it's only a small line that he crosses to become abusive to them.

Do you have family or friends who could help you with the kids and watch them while your in school.

Another option would be to take action against him now. When he becomes abusive call the police and have him arrested, and take out a restraining order against him. If you are afraid he will come to the house and physically hurt go to a shelter.

Once you have done this you will be eligible for all sorts of services. If you are going to school full time you will be able to get food stamps, medical insurance for you and the children and possible state benefits in cash to help each month. In addition, you will get grants, and loans to pay for school, books, and have quite a bit left over each month. I am sure where you live you will also qualify for day care assistance for the kids. Its only for a year and then you can start your new life.

First you must decide what you want to do? Good luck!!!

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Specializes in Neuro.

Beth,

I am so sorry about your predicament. I grew up with an alcoholic father, so I know firsthand how you feel and think. You are definitely in a catch 22, because on the 1 hand, you want to get out of the situation, at least for your children, but there is the fact that you are needing his help through school. Is there no one else that can help you out, that you can share your concerns with? The problem with waiting to go to school is that it will leave you and your children with him longer, and drunks tend to get worse and more abusive with time. But, you don't want to leave your children with him to drive around and possibly harm while being drunk.

As far as help around the house, IMO, the house can wait!! The girls are actually old enough to do some chores around there, like picking up, dusting/vacuuming, and doing the dishes. So the house won't suffer too badly. But as far as their girl scouts/after school activities, I would see if I could find someone who could take them and drop them off at home, even for a fee. I would try my best to go to school while he was still there, at least to let him pay for as much as I could!!!

Good luck. Keep us posted. I will keep you in my prayers~

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thanks everyone. I guess it just really comes down to me making a hard decision. I have a lot to think about. Thanks.

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Specializes in NICU.

I kind of lean towards suggesting the part-time RN course. I doubt your husband will pick up any slack, but that may be something you just have to live with. I would make other arrangements for carpools for your girls; I wouldn't want him driving kids around if he'd been drinking.

The thing is, if you want to be an RN, it would be better to get it out of the way now than potentially as a single mom (I don't know if you want to stay with your husband for the long haul). I just think having your RN is good insurance.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Nursing school is hard enough with lots of support, but you can do it if you want. We'll be your support :). Good luck on making your decision.

:icon_hug:

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I am so sorry for what you are going through, i hope that everything works out for you and your kids. you will be in my prayers.

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I am sorry that you are going through this with your husband. It doesn't sound like a very happy life. If this is a program that you can attend during the day while your kids are in school I would say go for it. You can see if their school offers aftercare after school and they will get their homework done there while they wait for you to pick them up from school. If not, I would worry that your children would be around your husband too much seeing this behavior. What a sad, lonely and unhappy life for your children. It does not seem like he is an active parent in their lives at all.

I think by you getting your education it is your ticket to freedom. Since your husband said he won't seek help maybe what he needs is to see that you mean it by leaving him. He probably thinks that you will never leave him because you have stayed this long so maybe by leaving that will shake him up enough to get the help he needs to get his family back. You are in my prayers.

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Thanks everyone. I believe I've decided to simply continue on with getting my RN part-time. I was a paralegal for 15 years before losing my job. I can make good living at home for now. I can suck it up and stay with the girls while slowly but surely finishing my education. I'll just have to keep an open mind that if it gets bad enough, I will take them and leave.

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Specializes in Geriatric, Pediatric.

I will pray for your husband, you and your family and ask God to work the situation out to the best for you and the whole family. I am sorry that you are having a hard time and I hope that I have not offened you with talking about praying and God. I never want to overstep boundaries.

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Specializes in ED, ICU, MS/MT, PCU, CM, House Sup, Frontline mgr.
I. I'm thinking about just holding off on lpn clinicals for now and saving my money to leave this jerk. I plan on continuing with my classes for RN. The local community college does offer a part-time clinical portion for rn. Takes two years, but hey, whatever.

I guess I just need some outside advice at this point.

I think you have the right idea. Supportive = actually doing. It does not equal cheerleader who is all talk and no action. I am getting through nursing school because my husband is picking up the slack where I cannot!

I know you may hate the idea of waiting to save money, but I did it for 5 years and so trust me when I say this, it is worth it!!! My reason was to pay off debts so I could pay cash for nursing school and work part-time while I attend nursing school. Your reason to wait is just as important if not more! Besides, you will not be giving up since you are working toward a goal (not just talking about it). The time will fly by! Good luck!

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