Question

meanmaryjean, DNP, RN · May 22, 2018

Can Grandma come to your location instead?

dbuy3, LPN · May 22, 2018

Can Grandma come to your location instead?

No, she refuses to move.

Sour Lemon · May 22, 2018

So I have a bit of a predicament that I would love to gain some insight on from my more experienced peers here at allnurses, after all, there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors.
So, I'm going to be taking my NCLEX soon and I am eager to find a place to work and gain experience. However, we've just learned that my wife's grandmother has become ill, and it doesn't look like she'll recuperate. This turn of events may mean that we might have to move cross country to help take care of her since nobody else in the family seems to want to do that for her.
Since this theoretical move isn't going to happen for at least a couple months, what do you all think about how this should affect my job search.
Should I not say anything and then when the moment comes explain that due to a family members health we'll have to relocate?
Should I disclose this possibility upfront?
Should I just wait until we move to the new state to begin looking for work, which may be a while, not mention waiting for license reciprocity?
I really look forward to hearing from you all on this issue and I'll definitely take your opinions and advice into consideration when making my decision.

You need more concrete information before you even attempt to sort this out. There are too many variables in this imaginary tough decision.

missmollie, ADN, BSN, RN · May 22, 2018

Why is it up to a granddaughter to take care of her? She obviously has children, probably people who live closer, and it is not REQUIRED of you. Offer support instead, get your license, and move on. Seriously, if you don't go, what's the worse that can happen? If you do go, what are you changing. Answer those questions before putting that kind of pressure on your family and stalling your career.

You need at least a year of employment before leaving that floor/job.

TruvyNurse · May 22, 2018

Believe me, family is everything but if grandma needs YOU to care for her, then I'd think she'd rather move to your location than go to LTC. And heck LTC may not be bad for her. Is that not a possibility? I hate to sound morbid but you're uprooting a lot and putting a strain on a career you've worked hard to start, what if grandma doesn't make it? Youve moved all that way, then what? Tough thing to say but you need to realistically consider the worst case scenario

JKL33 · May 22, 2018

There are a number of possible solutions that should be thoroughly investigated and considered prior to doing something that, due to the various circumstances, is less than ideal.

1) You need to know exactly what medical and care issues you're dealing with. Not through the family rumor-mill, but rather according to the explanations and estimates given by the involved professionals.

2) Is there anyone who is geographically nearby, or not? One of the reasons I ask is because, in a new place without any help, you may find that this situation is beyond your means (financially, emotionally, etc) even if you DO move to where Grandma is

3) Don't assume people don't want to help (maybe it's true they don't, but maybe it's also true that they simply aren't as willing to take the kind of risks and/or face the unknowns you're willing to face....sometimes they just know more about the situation - i.e. Grandma, than you do)

4) Sometimes people don't understand what kind of fall-out their various preferences and refusals entail, and sometimes they don't care. But either way, Grandma should be informed and educated, if possible, about her options and should be able to participate in some discussion of how to realistically make the best of this. Situations where someone refuses everything that would enable others to help them....well....as much as we love our loved ones, at some point, if of sound mind, they simply have to live with the consequences of all the restrictions they have put on everyone else.

5) Family is super-important to me and so are my elders' wishes and preferences. I would go quite a distance out of my way to accommodate them. That having been said, I also am financially responsible for others and have to make my choices and decisions accordingly. This isn't the best scenario in which to make a solely emotion-based decision. You want to be able to live with your decisions in this matter after Grandma is gone, but at the same time you have to live with whatever situation you create by the decisions you make.

6) More things to consider:

-The family members who are working on their educational endeavors and starting their careers are not the best-positioned ones to take responsibility

-...but they may choose to do so anyway if they have a solid moral or ethical belief that they should, and believe that not doing so would be a serious moral/ethical breach

-Situations like this sometimes involve a family member who takes on a hero/savior role, for personal reasons rather than solid/objective ethical reasoning and it isn't uncommon that situations like that might involve a series of poor decisions, since none of the decisions are based in sound reasoning

There's just a lot to this. You and your wife should discuss why she (or the two of you) feel(s) this is your responsibility. What is your motive for doing this? It's one thing if Grandma raised your wife....and another if this merely a heroic response to a "crisis."

In the meantime, you need to continue the nursing-related steps that are next up. Take your NCLEX and look for a position. That's what you should do right now.

Best wishes ~

psu_213, BSN, RN · May 22, 2018

I don't know your family, the family dynamic, how close your wife is to her grandmother, etc. That means I am not in a place to say "don't do this" or "someone else needs to do it."

I will say to think about this and look for other possibilities. You very quickly dismissed the idea of grandma moving, simply saying she "refuses." Maybe pursue that a bit more. Is there really no one else in the family who can help? In other words, there has to be some other choice other than uprooting and moving across the country.

You said "I don't think she'll recuperate." Sorry if this sounds cold hearted, but what if she does live very long? What if you move across the country for her and then she passes within a few months. It seems like you would be giving up an awful lot on situation that has a lot of unknowns. Again, I can't tell you that it is or is not important for you to take care of your wife's grandmother, but think very hard about other solutions before making this move.