LadyBugLass

I read about someone having panic attacks. I've had them since I was about 8? It used to be at most once and year...it escalated about two years ago, and now, it is at least once a week, sometimes once a day. When someone FINALLY sat me down and actually went over a life history with me and kind of "mapped out" occurences and changes with me, a pattern emerged. Those "panic attacks" were most likely hypomanic episodes, and I have probaly been rapid cycling. Those two terms were really news to me, and I'm a pretty educated gal! I have had doctors ask me about "mania". When I think of "mania", I have ALWAYS drawn on past patient experience. I worked as a paramedic before I was a nurse. When I had manic patients, they... 1. Had stopped the meds 2. Were usually completely out of touch with reality. These were folks that could not stop talking, moving, yelling, you name it. One guy jumped from a moving car on the turnpike and didn't think it would hurt him. Really extreme behavior. 3. I thought when you were manic, you were HAPPY. And that you had all this great energy and accomplished alot and felt wildly creative. I mean, I always heard that patients quit the meds because they missed the highs. 4. I thought that manic episodes lasted for a couple of weeks, not just days or hours. 5. Hypersexuality? My husband should be so lucky. No one asked me "Did you ever stay awake for two days writing down notes about redecorating the house?" Or thought it was wierd that, on the day I tried to off myself, I was in a GREAT mood. I was having a really nice day for the first time in months. But, someone said the wrong thing to me, and BOOM...it was like flipping a switch. I was on autopilot, and I carried out a plan that I had been formulating during a deep funk. I also stopped responding to antidepressants, the really high-powered ones, even when I took them faithfully. Back to the panic episodes. I begged my GP for something, anything. He gave me Klonopin "for emergencies." Why didn't he think that maybe we could PREVENT the emergency?? I took them maybe twice...it's really difficult to be anxious when you are unconscious. I didn't want to sleep all day, I wanted to function. I always had panic attacks over stupid stuff. My last one this week was because I didn't know what to make the kids for dinner. Folks have a hard time understanding that. It's not necessarily something catastrophic that makes you freak out. It's not normal, and I know that!! Telling the crazy person that they are crazy does NOT make them feel LESS crazy. Thanks for all the nice posts. DO NOT give up trying to get help. I did once, and I am paying for it now. PS-If one more person in my life says "Oh, manic depression!!! Van Gogh had that!!" I really will go goofy. That's a ringing endorsement for a mental illness. Paint pictures no one appreciates for 50 years, cut off an ear and give it to a whore, then shoot yourself in the chest and die over a 2 day period. Jeez.

Hormones? You mean like the diagnosis of "hysteria" they used to give crazy women (originated from "hysto-", meaning "uterus")? God save us from American health care.

I plan to disclose; while I do not talk about my problem with depression ad nauseum, I am honest about it now. It really has changed how other people see mental illness, how common it is, and someone with a mental illness is NOT necessarily foaming at the mouth looney. I did try to hide it for a long, long time because I wanted to still be trusted. It was exhausting and un productive. Yes, some folks can be asses, but you would also be suprised at the amount of compassion. I wanted people that are important to me to understand what makes me tick; if I am having a bad day, they need to know it isn't their fault. Wouldn't you want people around you on a regular basis to know you had epilepsy or diabetes? And do I REALLY want to work in a place where I would be treated as an outcast if someone found out behind my back?

Well, after almost 10 years of varying degrees of hell for me and the people who love me, I may well have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Years of depression may have been not properly treated. Years of general practictioners handing me the whatever $400 pill sample the pharm reps give that week with a handful of obnoxious pens and cutesy badge holders. Years of being told, "Take this, it'll get better (or go away), get counseling, see you in 3 months." Years of not being referred to a specialist. Years of asking for very specific guidance only to be met with a blank look and pat on the shoulder and the reminder that "As a nurse, you know how this works. Check the yellow pages, call your insurance company." After I tried to kill myself last summer, was that not a CLUE that something was out of control, namely me? If you had a patient with new-onset IDDM, would you give them a script for insulin and needles, then say "Here you go!! Read the pamplets, don't eat sugar, and I'll see you in 3 months!! Take care, buh-BYE!!" Am I mad? Damn skippy.:angryfire OK, my question is this...how many nurses have a diagnosis of mental illness? Not just "the blues" or a normal grief reaction or pulling a mean drunk one weekend ; I mean something that will affect you from now until you die, and requires vigilance and management to remain functional not just as a nurse, but a person? I have always wondered...are we attracted to a certain field because of who we already are, or does the vocation make the monster? There really does seem to be some troubled people in nursing. Is mental illness more likely in healthcare workers? (Wonder why, a real head-scratcher there:uhoh21: ) 'Fess up folks...experiences, please.

Hey...I AM a manager. The way I got here? BY PUTTING IN MY TIME DOING ALL THE THINGS YOU MENTIONED FOR NEARLY 12 YEARS!!!:angryfire And this case manager IS a nurse, thanks. Do I "go to meetings" because I like it? Hell no; it is incredibly dull. It is part of my job, just like all the things you mentioned are part of YOUR position. When the crap hits the fan, I am the one who goes to all the parties involved to defend the actions of floor nurses and make EVERYONE happy. I do things to support the nurses and aides that work with me; I offer advice (once again, hard won experience), solutions, and a listening ear. What I get in return is invaluable information about the patients that I wish I could see more of. And if you think crying families and cleaning up poop is unpleasant, try dealing with insurance companies and Medicare. Many is the time that I have actually wept openly in the office, because I've had to discharge people or arrange for less than optimal care to patients because of the financial side of nursing. It is an endless source of frustration and heartbreak, esp. when dealing with the elderly:( . But if I don't do my job well, then NO MONEY will come in; we will ALL lose our jobs and our patients will get NO care, period. It ain't all just care plans and faxing doctors, dear. To be frank, you just sound jealous and burnt out. I am sorry if your managers are evil witches. But don't throw me in the pot with them. If you want things to work better, then YOU need to stop dividing everyone up (WE WE WE vs. THEY THEY THEY).

Has anyone here taken the HPNA exam? Was it REALLY REALLY REALLY hard?:uhoh21: Did you get a raise or promotion for passing? How much hospice experience did you have before you took it (HPNA recommends 2 years, but I don't think it is required.) All in all, was it worth it? Just curious, I need a new goal.:)

I have been through TWO "new" jobs in 2005 that required certain colors of scrubs. One job required royal blue (not too bad) and one job required BRIGHT red (truly hideous, esp. with white skin and red hair, I looked like a Target store.) I have tried for months to sell them, to former co-workers AND on Ebay (no takers!!) They are like new; what a waste of my money . I need the room in my closet, and if can't get some money back, can I at least donate them to a worthy cause? Is there a "needy nursing" organization where people can get uniforms (like post-Katrina or a house fire) so they can go back to work? Just curious.

That "How Clean Is Your House" show makes me feel SO much better. And I have always been in EMS and now do home hospice care, so I KNOW it's not that bad...but it ain't GOOD either. My good buddy is a scrub tech with OCD, and she thinks RN's are the dirtiest people!!! We had a really humid summer here, and lots of mold and mildew. Her boss (an RN) mentioned spilling something on her carpet, and was amazed when, two weeks later, MUSHROOMS were growing on the stain. :uhoh21: :uhoh21: :uhoh21: :uhoh21: :uhoh21:

I LOVE the smell of bleach!! I guess because it is just SO clean. I think it reminds me of hotels and swimming pools from vacations, esp. when I was a kid. When I was little, we didn't have a self-defrosting freezer, so I'd take a knife and SCRAPE all that wonderful ice off of the walls of the freezer and eat it up like candy. I think of all the FREON I ingested:idea: ...no wonder I'm so sick now.

SO glad that I found this thread. I have struggled with occ. depression since high school, started meds at 25 when it was no longer just occasional and I started to have suicidal thoughts; experienced PTSD due to a disaster response as a paramedic in 1999, postpartum depression that flat knocked me on my can in 2001, and Paxil that caused a 60lb weight gain and a painful withdrawl. Went off my meds last summer because they made me sleepy on night shift at my first RN job in a pressure-cooker ICU just teeming with viper co-workers. Plus, it was just a horrid year; lost a loved one, had to put my grandma in an assisted living center, marriage problems (due to the depression), bankruptcy, lost jobs. HUGE HUGE HUGE MISTAKE. Started having panic attacks, had a REALLY big one in August of this year and tried to kill myself. Without boring everyone with details, I will tell you I was quite serious, and was VERY disappointed to wake up in the ER with my acquaintances pumping my stomach. I was so apathetic I didn't even put up a fight. (Let me tell you though: if you have never had an NG tube yourself, then you have NO RIGHT to put one in other people...OUCH!!!!!:uhoh21: ) Spent time in the nut hut for that little stunt, which was VERY enlightening as a nurse...unlike ANY psyche clinical you've EVER had. And, yes, I DO have a sense of humor about the whole mess. Started Effexor, which intially was like flipping on a light switch, but has started to lose its effectiveness within the last month, and I am SCARED to death (pun intended). Do I need to ask to go up on my dose, change meds? Someone mentioned earlier ECT being scary, but in all honesty, I'd try it tomorrow if it would help. And how do you KNOW if you are bipolar; I mean as a nurse I know, but as a person that is experiencing it, how does it FEEL? Thanks for letting me vent here; my spouse and mom don't like for me to talk about this, esp. if I make any jokes about it.

I have never been in a union before, but after the year I have had (5 postions in 12 months!! I look like a total flake), I am starting to think that I need some job protection. I really feel like these businesses (and that is EXACTLY what they are all about, the money) are taking advantage of my good nature, as well as playing games with other nurses too. The last hospital that I worked at had a statement in the employee handbook that read something like "we do not discriminate against unions, but we feel that we can offer our employees more by not having to deal with unions." Kind of a guilt trip, huh? I have been in healthcare my entire adult life, but ever since I became an RN in May 2004, I feel SO naive about the "politics" of nursing!! I just have this constant sense of needing to watch my back at all times. I realize that being in a union does not give you a free ticket to act like a jackass or do a poor job (my husband is a cop with the FOP), but I feel so vulnerable sometimes; like I'd get thrown to the wolves by management at anytime. Please help!

Rabbit turd ice:roll ! I call it pellet ice, and I LOOOVVVEEE the nice, chewy texture and slightly bleachy flavor. I have become an ice "snob". Braums and Sonic sell 7lb bags of it, and I go through about 2 bags a week since around last January. The place that I was working at was so stressful, I developed a "flare" of Crohns disease for the first time ever, along with a GI bleed and problems with absorbing any nutrients. It has been SO miserable and frustrating (diarrhea about 10 times a day at least, even in the middle of the night. ) And my husband HATES the sound of my ice chomping; I'll even chew ice rather than eat, because eating just causes more diarrhea. My personal theory, which I guess is at least as rational as any other? Anemia is often the result of a GI bleed, and ice can cause vasoconstriction, which could slow down the bleed, at least temporarily. Just a thought.

MSW can ALSO be a bachelors of social work who is a MEDICAL social worker (just to add to the confusion here.)

What does everyone actually KNOW about the connection between being anemic and the insatiable appetite for chewing ice?? I know that it is generally acknowledged as a symptom of anemia, but no one can tell me WHY, an actual physiological reason. Hmm.

I worked after an F-5 tornado in 1999 in Oklahoma as the first paramedic on scene. About 4 days later, my partner, myself, and some of the other first responders had a DRY, hacking, deep, nasty cough; it was like your bronchi just felt RAW. We thought it was probaly all the shredded insulation and dirt and pulverized rock from all the destroyed structures (no respirators, duh.) I have since had pneumonia 3 times, one time caused asthma that required an inhaler and neb tx for about two months after (nonsmoker). I had NEVER had pulmonary trouble before. Now I wheeze every winter. No telling about yours; it's just that time of year + travel = sick person. But all that MOLD:eek: and chemicals and bacteria down there!!! Plus, the natives maybe USED to high levels of mold due to all that naturally high humidity even before Katrina. Get to a doc, and be sure to tell him about your exposure.

What about the Textbook of Palliative Nursing? I think it is newer, and a new edition was just introduced this month. The dr. book, Oxfords Textbook of Palliative Care, looked expensive, was about the size of a Honda, and looked dull enough to actually euthanize the nurse reading it.

Wow...depending on the demographics of your community, the buddhist outlook would be a valuable asset to a hospice!! I think your wife might "come around" if she spoke with a really good hospice chaplain, one that is open and can explore more than just judeo-christian beliefs.

I am new to hospice, but NOT healthcare . I am trying to find good books, textbooks, computer media, on line courses, etc., to help me enhance my experience, AND pass CHPN exam in 2 years. What are your picks?

VOLUNTEER!! We love volunteers at our hospice!

digest this: thank you so much for advice from someone who, obviously, never made a mistake (or more). you are not one of those "catty" types you mentioned, it seems. good thing. may every move you make at work never be placed under a microscope. if you think that i have not been wearing a hair shirt over this for the last 3 months, then your "nursing intuition" has failed you miserably. i don't sleep, i have lost weight, and i am taking antidepressant medications.i have panic attacks nearly every day. my finances are in the crapper. my whole life plan is disturbed, and i wish to god that i had never even considered nursing school. then i would have never soiled the profession (calling?) of nursing for the really "good" nurses like you. so sorry. is that contrite enough for you? do you feel better now? how about if i told you that the only thing that keeps me from wanting to kill myself somedays is my daughters? got a care plan for that one? if i had been taking or selling drugs, this whole process would have been easier. then you just blame it all on a "disease", and you get all these nice support groups, and there is no question that you get to keep your license and job. if you are just an idiot like me, well...it crossed my mind more than a few times to just lie and say i am a junkie or a dope dealer just because that would be easier. but, unfortunately, i believe lying is wrong. save the lectures for one of your poor underlings. i asked for advice, information, personal experiences, maybe even a little reassurance. i really don't require you regurgitating the obvious to me. i live it every sleepless night and everytime the postman comes to my door. i know why rn's make a good salary now...they have to put up with other nurses like you. by the way, if you read my post, did you notice i have anger issues?

Sorry, I have not checked back with site in nearly 3 months! For some reason, about half the original post is missing. But the bulk of the issue is what everyone read! Update: I did quit voluntarily. And I felt like about a thousand tons was lifted off of my soul. My boss was very nice, but told me that she was still filling out papers for the BON. So okay. That was on March 1. I called the BON myself and spoke to an investigator. She told me to "turn myself in" ! I was also told to get an independent evaluation from a counselor in addiction issues. I didn't have anything to hide, so I did that right away. I had to take an MMPI and about 10 other tests (took nearly 4 hours to complete them all.) Then I met with a counselor for about 2 hours. She was really wonderful! She figured about 10 minutes into the process that I was NOT an addict/alcoholic. But we did discuss other problems, like stress management and depression. All said it cost me about $250, but it was not wasted time or money. My written tests were interpreted by a third party. It showed a "low level of deception and a high level of validity", "a very low possibilty of addiction issues", and "a very high level of anger" (angry at myself? YOU BET!:chuckle ) The recommendation, IF requested by the BON, was for education in documentation. Here's the deal...I STILL have not heard anything from the BON!! I did NOT turn myself in; I have nothing to hide, but I don't want to give anyone the rope to hang me with. Right now, I am doing PRN home health case management, and have not had one problem. Opinions, anyone? Did my old boss really turn in those forms? Does it take the BON awhile to do things? What? I am starting to get more comfortable looking in the mailbox. I had been told that I would hear from them in "a couple of weeks" and it has been nearly 3 months. What to make of this? By the way, I did tell my boss when I quit that I had a negative drug screen. I also had been doing some things with narcotics (using a 10mg syringe of morphine, 2mg at a time, over a 12 hour shift) that ALL of the staff did (that is where I "learned" how to do this). Do you think that maybe she decided not to start an investigation that would reflect poorly on the whole unit? This was a floor that was VERY big into looking good.

I too am considering the county health department. I have 7 years of paramedic experience and 3 years aide experience in addition to 1 year as an RN. Will the paramedic experience help me? I credit nearly ALL of my clinical skills to this! I did ICU for 9 months...I quit because the stress was EATING ME ALIVE :uhoh21: ! It was not the patients; it was the environment. The "alpha-female" attitude in that place was brutal. (I am not much of a butt-kisser, either. Thoracic surgeons don't really appreciate that. :chuckle ) Plus, as much as I hate to see someone suffering from poverty and ignorance, watching someone languish in ICU for months on end on a vent and dialysis is more soul draining than you can imagine. I threw up nearly every day for 9 months just from stress. I am doing PRN home health care case management for a small company, and I really like it! Unfortunately, I am only getting about 2-5 patients a week right now...about enough to cover day care. I think I need to go back full-time, but I really don't want to go back to the hospital. Home health care is alot of problem-solving and creative thinking, and the patient time is one on one. It is MUCH more realistic, too. You can do everything in the world in the hospital, but it needs to be tailored to the patients reality (home life, family, everything) or it will fail. Do I have a shot at getting a county health job?

I am begging for help. I am literally shaking, I am so scared. I will just start by saying that I have REALLY screwed up. I have worked full time in a very busy, very aggressive cardiac ICU since graduating in June 2004. I realized that I was in WAY over my head by December. The hours, the "alpha-female" competition, the lack of concise physician preferences ("Well, that is just the way we do this because Dr. X likes it like THIS...remember!") And my personal life wasn't so great either. When I was giving morphine, I did not document waste in the Pyxis (more than once, I confess.) I fouled up my documentation on the flowsheet AND failed to document in the computer charting. I even pulled up drugs on the wrong pt. a few times. And I gave a pt. the wrong dose of morphine three (yes, THREE) times in one night. NO PATIENTS were harmed by this (thank God). My head nurse confronted me with all this last week. (Pyxis printouts galore.) I immediately offered to do a drug screen on the spot. I owned up to my mistakes immediately. I emptied out my purse voluntarily. (My offer to do a drug screen was declined by my employer. I went to an independent testing site THAT DAY after my discussion, and the results were absolutely NEGATIVE.)

Feeling catty I suppose, but here I go.... Does anyone else think that woman (Aleta St. James) with the twins has had some SERIOUS "work" done?? I mean, like a face lift and lip augmentation (at the very least?) I really think she looks more at home in the plastic surgeons office than at the pediatrician. And do you all know WHY we are all discussing this woman in the first place?? She strikes me as a SHAMELESS self-promoter...she is an "actress", you know, and her brother is Curtis Sliwa: that beret-wearing head of the vigilante group the Guardian Angels, who also LOVES his media time. With the HIPPA regs nowadays, no one would have said anything about this if she herself had not put it "out there." I guess it is more common than I had realized for ladies over 50 to give birth. I think this woman has used her babies to garner some attention for herself:angryfire and to make herself look MUCH younger than 57.

Oh, anyone who is nauseated or throwing up!!! I HATE to be nauseated, and I cannot get the antiemetics in fast enough when someone is pukey.