Problems at Home.....

lioneliz · Jan 31, 2004

Yes school is stressful. Yes school leaves you tired and irritable (that goes for your mate and children also). Yes this will pass. As for your mariage???? I don't know. I hope you guys make it work! I can rember feeling like you do right now. It wasn't a fun time. I remember one evening I was feeling so stressed out from school, spouse, kids, work, and life in general that I went and sat in the dark in my closet. My husband and kids found me sitting in there and thought I had lost my mind. Maybe I had, but doing something stupid like that every once and a while seemed to help me get through. I wish you best of luck!!!!:)

SmilingBluEyes · Jan 31, 2004

I think things will get better when you graduate. but if they persist, or get worse, please see a marriage/family counselor for tools you can use to make things better. I wish you the best. You are in a high-stress mode now; hopefully things will settle for you very soon. All the best to you and your family.

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Jan 31, 2004

Whatever you do, unless you or your kids are being abused, PLEASE don't leave your marriage until you've been out of school for at least six months. Nursing school tends to stress even healthy marriages, and those with a little sinus condition, well..........let's just say it reveals a lot of tension and strain that you or he might not have even noticed before. My DH and I grew apart for a while during my years in school---it got so bad toward the end that we were sleeping in separate rooms, and would have split up had we had the money to maintain two households.

Fortunately for all concerned, we COULDN'T afford to split up, so we had no choice but to stay and fight it out..........and once I was done with school and the stress was much less (mainly because I was earning a decent living) we had time to figure out that we still loved each other, and that we still belonged together. That was seven years ago, and we have NEVER once regretted sticking it out..........we've been married 23 years now, and while we are very different people from who we were when we first met, we've both realized that it's no reason to throw away so much shared history. Besides, after all these years (not to mention five kids, graying hair, sagging butts and wrinkles), who else would have us??

sphinx, BSN, RN · Jan 31, 2004

You say before school things were really good. Now you are in a situation where you are in a very stressful environment (school), and he is stressed from working 2 jobs. His being gone so much adds to your stress because you are "on your own" it seems. The thing to remember that it is hard on *both* of you right now, but after school ends, it will most likely ease up. Unless the situation is unsafe, I would try to stick it out, otherwise you might look back in a few years and wonder why you left what was once a good marraige. I know too, that while you may be busy, perhaps you can carve out some time to see a marraige counselor. It'll be hard with your schedules, but an understanding counselor can try to work around that, and it's only an hour a week, and it could save your marraige.

Good luck!

gypsyatheart · Jan 31, 2004

Really try and hang in there! You are almost there! It sounds like your whole family is stressed out. Your husband is probably stressed from working 2 jobs, he probably doesn't want to do much when he is at home. As for you, well, nursing school is probably one of the hardest, most stressful times in a person's life.

Just keep telling yourself "this, too, shall pass", and remember...your life will not always be like this! I know it's easy to get caught up in how hard things are right now and feeling trapped, like nothing is ever gonna get better...but it will. I assure you, once you graduate, it will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders!

Now,if you get out of school, life starts getting back to "normal" and your marriage is still sufferring, think about talking to a counsellor...right now just get through your last semester of school! Good luck. :kiss

kwagner_51 · Jan 31, 2004

LVN2004,

When we do all we do is argue. We never go out (never did to begin with) and I feel lonely, like a single parent. I tell him something and he doesn't listen. When he's off he doesn't do anything around the house. He yells at the kids. I want to leave but can't until I graduate this summer.

....I tell him something and he doesn't listen....

I am 43 been married to the same guy for 18 yrs. Love him dearly, but he doesn't listen either!! I got so, I would make up wild stories just to see if he heard me. I had our 17 y/o daughter rolling on the floor at him.

He will be watching TV and I will say something like: " I was kidnapped by aliens and now I am pregnant!" He'd say Ok, and keep watching the show. Within 5 minutes he would jerk his head up and say, " WHAT did you say?" and then repeat verbatum what I had said!!

Bottom line here is he does hear but doesn't listen, especially when he is busy with something else.

....When he's off he doesn't do anything around the house. He yells at the kids....

He is just as tired as you are. Make time for him. At least once every two weeks make love to him. Bring him Hershey's kisses or what ever his favorite candy is. Let him know that he is still special and that you appreciate the fact that he is working 2 jobs so you can go to school.

I know you know that marriage is a give and take propsition. If you feel neglected, then chances are, he also feels neglected. He is yelling at the kids because he is frustrated with you. I know because my husband does the same thing.

So, the next time he yells at the kids, its time for you to spend some quality time with him!! I have found that if I take time from my studies to make love to my guy, I study better.

My husband works nights. I have Monday and Fridays off this semester. So I try to arrange it so that we spend some quality time together on Fridays. This past week though, it was hard. Our kids were home from school every day but Thursday!! Luckily, that is my short day. Sometimes it doesn't have to be sex. Just asking him how his day went will let him know you still care. If YOU plan when to make love, it can work and it is soooo much fun!!

I hope this helps and remember, what you put into your marriage now will reap rewards you never even contemplated. One other thing I do is, I cut out things from the ads that I want to get him. I show them to him and say I can't wait until I can buy these things for you! I also tell him that after I graduate [in May of 2005], that he will no longer have to work 20 hrs. overtime to keep our family afloat. He will be able to just work a normal 40 hr. week.

Take care and God Bless you!

lvn2004 · Jan 31, 2004

Thank you all so much for the advice! I am going to stick it out and wait a few months after school before making a major decision such as divorce.

Thanks,

lvn2004:cool:

n8isgr8 · Jan 31, 2004

Originally posted by kwagner_51
LVN2004,

When we do all we do is argue. We never go out (never did to begin with) and I feel lonely, like a single parent. I tell him something and he doesn't listen. When he's off he doesn't do anything around the house. He yells at the kids. I want to leave but can't until I graduate this summer.

....I tell him something and he doesn't listen....

I am 43 been married to the same guy for 18 yrs. Love him dearly, but he doesn't listen either!! I got so, I would make up wild stories just to see if he heard me. I had our 17 y/o daughter rolling on the floor at him.

He will be watching TV and I will say something like: " I was kidnapped by aliens and now I am pregnant!" He'd say Ok, and keep watching the show. Within 5 minutes he would jerk his head up and say, " WHAT did you say?" and then repeat verbatum what I had said!!

Bottom line here is he does hear but doesn't listen, especially when he is busy with something else.

....When he's off he doesn't do anything around the house. He yells at the kids....

He is just as tired as you are. Make time for him. At least once every two weeks make love to him. Bring him Hershey's kisses or what ever his favorite candy is. Let him know that he is still special and that you appreciate the fact that he is working 2 jobs so you can go to school.

I know you know that marriage is a give and take propsition. If you feel neglected, then chances are, he also feels neglected. He is yelling at the kids because he is frustrated with you. I know because my husband does the same thing.

So, the next time he yells at the kids, its time for you to spend some quality time with him!! I have found that if I take time from my studies to make love to my guy, I study better.

My husband works nights. I have Monday and Fridays off this semester. So I try to arrange it so that we spend some quality time together on Fridays. This past week though, it was hard. Our kids were home from school every day but Thursday!! Luckily, that is my short day. Sometimes it doesn't have to be sex. Just asking him how his day went will let him know you still care. If YOU plan when to make love, it can work and it is soooo much fun!!

I hope this helps and remember, what you put into your marriage now will reap rewards you never even contemplated. One other thing I do is, I cut out things from the ads that I want to get him. I show them to him and say I can't wait until I can buy these things for you! I also tell him that after I graduate [in May of 2005], that he will no longer have to work 20 hrs. overtime to keep our family afloat. He will be able to just work a normal 40 hr. week.

Take care and God Bless you!

EXCELLENT ADVICE!!!!!!! I wish I talked to you a year ago.......Good luck and happiness to your family.......and to all families here!!!!!!!

ejm99 · Feb 14, 2004

I also agree...

My dh is very much against me returning to school which is a huge issue for us....but I thought and thought about it and I talked to him about how our income would double almost triple when I finish school and how he won't have to drive his clunker truck anymore and about how maybe just maybe if we are smart and careful we could have enough saved up for a house in the first year....

that's what got him....

so all's calm on teh western front here for now...

:)

GL

Trauma Columnist · Feb 14, 2004

When I did nursing school our kids were 5 and 10 - very stressful time for us - oldest very ill - hospitalized frequently. Hubby overseas in Desert Storm - yuck! However, we too had no time to even talk about splitting. We sucked it up, went on, our kids grew up and now we've been together for 24 years, our sons are now 23 and 18 and although I'm back in school (BSN/MSN), its still very good. Take care - don't give up - it'll be worth it!

BadBird, BSN, RN · Feb 14, 2004

No one can answer that except you. At least when you graduate you will be able to support yourself and your kids. Many men are jealous of our success and will try to prevent you from finishing school. Stick to school, if your marriage is on shaky grounds it won't get any better just because you quit.