mangled diagnoses

Don't forget about "Old Timers"!

One old man asked me to not close the drapes because he didn't like closed in spaces. He said "I've got the hydrophobe ya know"

instead of extreme prematurity, "extreme immaturity". Well, duh, they're newborns, how much maturity do you expect?

How 'bout the "Chicken Pops" (chickenpox)

or getting the "Vanilla shot" (varicella shot)

"My baby has "thrust" on his tongue." (thrush)

I had a call from a mom who insisted her son had "riggy worm" on his head. (ringworm)

I asked a pt once why she had a c section, she rolled her eyes and replied "to give birth." I guess I should have been more specific!!!!

A pt's mother recently told one of our nurses that she didn't want her daughter in labor to have any IV pain meds, if she needs anything for pain, she should just get an "episiotomy" (my suggestion would probably be and epidural)

I have had many pt's ask when they can get an "epidermal".

We had a pt with an ectopic or "tubal" pregnancy as explaind to the teenage pt and her mother. The doctor later heard the mother on the phone to grandma ".....Yeah, ____ is pregnant. She is having one of those test-tube babies".

The doctor could hardly quit laughing to tell us. lol, got to love the full moon in the ER

Originally posted by at your cervix

I asked a pt once why she had a c section, she rolled her eyes and replied "to give birth." I guess I should have been more specific!!!!

LMAO! My hand was actually itching to slap somebody stupid when I read that!

And just think, these people are reproducing!

Heather

Sea-Drift for C-Diff

ammonia = pneumonia

A-Trib for A-Fib ( my mother''s contribution )

A mother from Norfolk, (the English county) telling me how her scrawny kid had always been pooney, had me stumped, until I asked her to spell it: "puny"

my SIL has mitral valve regurgitation.... can't explain it enough...she goes around telling folks "I gotta big hole in my heart" or "gotta leaky heart"

stolen from http://personalwebs.myriad.net/Kimball/glossary.htm

Q: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?

A: Well, my grandmother had a little lady parts.

Pregnant patient: "I'm having contraptions."

A 3 y/o patient was sent to the ER from a private MD's office because he felt she would need to be sedated to have her laceration repaired. At the triage window the mom announced, "I have a 3 y/o here that needs to be seduced to get stitches".

"I have 'Metro Valve Prolapse'" (Must be an urban condition)

"I had heart problems several years ago... My doctor said they were 'atrial tribulations'."

Family member to paramedic... "We've been doing Cardio-preliminary Resurrection for about 10 minutes now."

Freakin' urination = Frequent urination

"When I burp, bowel comes up." = When I burp, bile comes up.

Hydra hernia = Hiatal hernia

Ministration = Menstruation

Hyena hernia = Hiatal hernia

When asked if she had anything at home with which to treat her asthma, a woman said, "Yes, I have a defibrillator." MD: You mean a nebulizer? Pt: Yeah, that's it.

I haven't "demonstrated" in 3 months.

I might be "stagnant"

"I've been in bed with a doctor for 2 nights and he hasn't done me any good yet."

High orifice hernia = Hiatal hernia

"I can't take a water pill, it messes up my electric lights."

"My lady partsl discharge is so heavy that I have to change my underwear EVERYDAY! (yuk! Don't invite her to the pool party!)

Hospital employee presents to ER with complaint of right foot pain... She dropped the safety manual on it.

'I've got fireballs of the Eucharist' = fibroids of the uterus

High hurtle hernia = Hiatal hernia

From a medical transcriptionist:

The patient is to have no intercourse until she returns to my office in 2 weeks.

The patient's ear canals were full of cerebrum.

The patient's ear canals had clumps of semen.

Crackers were heard in the left lower lung field.

also stolen from: http://personalwebs.myriad.net/Kimball/glossary.htm

RN: Do you take any medications? PT: Yes, I take a heart pill and a blood thinner. RN: So you have a heart condition? PT: Yes, I have a 'spacemaker'.

A resident went to examine a pediatric pt in the ER whose first name was KRIC. He asked the mother what was wrong with the pt, he pronounced the name "Crick", mom corrected him and said "It's pronounced 'Eric'". The resident responded "Well K-R-I-C would spell "Crick". Mom explained to him that her sister had told her you could spell Eric with a 'K'.

A 62y/o man was brought to the ER with a cucumber in his rectum. The man emphatically denied he knew how it got there. After it was removed, the wife (who was trusting but obviously doubted her husbands ignorance) asked the surgeon how it got there. The surgeon replied, "Well ma'am, your husband needs to chew his food better."

After removing a battery powered vibrator from the rectum of a 55y/o man, the surgeon told him that if he used one that plugged into the wall, he might not have this problem.

While working with a 3 y/o girl with febrile seizures, one Christmas Eve. The mom, who was understandably distraught, asked frantically (with a heavy southern accent), "But doctor, why is she seizin' why is she seizin'?!? As I looked up at the nurse that was helping me, I noticed her Xmas button that read "Jesus is the reason for the Season". I kept my mouth shut.