All I do is cry

TXRNC · Oct 27, 2016

Everyone feels this way at some point it is almost like the stages of grief,

heynow1313 · Oct 28, 2016

You are feeling EXACTLY how you are supposed to be feeling. Agree, this process is akin to the stages of grief and you will go through them all and sometimes more than once. I encourage you to keep this thread for reference. Years to come, you will look back on your statement here and realize how far you've come and possibly not even remember the feeling you are feeling so strongly right now.

No one ever believes that they won't feel this way forever, that others can and do understand how they are feeling, and that they can come out of this process a stronger and better person, nurse, and whatever else you define yourself as. But you will as most of us here can attest to. I cannot take away the present feelings. You cannot go around them you must go through them. It's really the only way. The uncomfortable feeling you are experiencing is likely due to the fact that you've not yet done it that way. The "through" way.

You really will be ok if you do the right next thing and be open to help- through this forum, your higher power, AA/NA, whatever you need. Take care and do not go it alone. Welcome.

1sttime · Oct 28, 2016

Oh- thats a terrible place to be. When I was first caught I would binge watch TV shows and stumble from my sofa outside to smoke, and back again. Your mind is in shock- for me the opiates had also hurt my ability to think/process- give it time. Some things that helped me:

-Make yourself go for a walk

-Eat (I gained 15 lbs my first year clean, my body was deficient in nutrients), try to keep it healthy- but don't worry about it too much

-I got a small dog, he was/is my recovery buddy

As time progresses you will feel like doing more, as you get some months clean you will notice that you are functioning better- a feeling of disbelief as I was putting on a pretty good show while using. Fast forward 5 years and my program is complete, and I am a different (dare I say better person for my experiences).

As far as the employment thing- try to get unemployment- I was lucky that my hospital didn't fire me per policy- and unluckily I didn't have enough worked hours for short term disability- so I was terminated after the FMLA time was up. They couldn't say why because addiction is a medical issue.

Remember- many people have been down this road and come out the other side of the process feeling more complete. A big part of that was learning to like myself.

What would you say to a friend going through this? Now give yourself that same compassion, talk to yourself like you would your dearest friend. You really do deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Bsn10 · Oct 30, 2016

Thank you. You all are going to be a pillar to my success. I'm glad I found this forum. Thank you for your encouragement. I do have this post bookmarked and I do hope in 5 years time I'm able to look back at this just like you said, but right now 5 years seems so long and impossible.

catsmeow1972, BSN, RN · Oct 30, 2016

Would you be willing to disclose what state you are in? Many here are spread over a number of states. 'm sure that there is someone that can give you some insight into the specifics of your particular state's program.

Bsn10 · Oct 30, 2016

Would you be willing to disclose what state you are in? Many here are spread over a number of states. 'm sure that there is someone that can give you some insight into the specifics of your particular state's program.

Im in wv. I've asked before but no one seems to have been through it or knows anything about it.

catsmeow1972, BSN, RN · Oct 30, 2016

I'm not sure either. i think once you get to 15 posts, you can do private messages. Feel free to PM me.

I am in Florida, which is one of the harsher programs. Most of these things are essentially the same. As in they all suck. They don't care about you or your recovery. To them, you are a number in a file folder.

Depending on what got you here, you already know about the evaluation. Keep in mind that the ones they list are not the only choices. You can pretty much call around and see who does these things that are "vetted" by the program. Do NOT go to anyone associated with any kind treatment facility. You will probably get recommended for whatever services that place offers. The majority of such outfits are more interested in the contents of your bank account than what you really need. you may very well need inpatient treatment, but that opinion should not come from a person who stands to profit from said recommendation.

Now there is a line between objecting to what they do and letting them walk over you. In my experience, these things operate under a culture of fear and non-information. be very discerning about anything you are told. if it sounds ridiculous, it probably is. You will need to do what they tell you but also advocate for yourself. At least here, policy and rules are invented and ignored as is seen fit for a particular moment. Personally, i find that to be true in the general "recovery" lingo as well. Your overall MO will likely be some form of treatment (again, you can go other than where they "recommend.") I did not know that until after about $30K was spent. I would bypass the "professionals programs." This help is about you as a person, not you as a nurse.

Lastly, i know 5 years sounds like forever. It's not easy and it is expensive. In the end you will be better, in spite of this. I have to admit, the Nurse Support Group that is part of mine, is actually pretty useful. You will probably be surprised at the number of folks that are in your position.

SororAKS, ADN, RN · Nov 1, 2016

Great advice here. You CAN do this. It is oft repeated but still appropriate: One day at a time.

1jewel, ADN · Nov 2, 2016

I absolutely feel your pain. I, too, am awaiting evaluation so that IPN can give me their recommendations (5 years of probation with even more restrictions on my license so that it will be impossible or nearly impossible to find employment.) I've been through a month motoring program before in another state for 3 years. At the time I was in total denial. Many things have changed, I'm fortunate to be alive, and I'm no longer in denial. I am hopeful to work through this and one day work as a nurse again. Keep your chin up!

1jewel, ADN · Nov 2, 2016

I am currently in Florida.

Dmrynn · Nov 2, 2016

This is the forum I absolutely need to be on. I am new to this site, how do I save this forum so I can come back to it and check in with all of you guys again?