They tried to lock me up

Reading through all of this terrifies me. Here's the gist of my story. Ok, NM, this is really long. But its a crazy story.

Ok, so my psychiatrist had me on Xanax for 10 years when he retired in January. I have quite the high tolerance to benzos. Crazy high. For years I would take the whole month's worth of my refill in 2 weeks, leaving me without it and in withdrawals until I could fill my script again in 2 more weeks.

When he retired, he gave me refills that would last 5 months as getting a new psychiatrist would take time. 3 months ago, I started seeing a psychologist that my husband and I used to see for marriage counseling. I knew I was going to have some major changes coming up in my life, and I wanted her help with dealing with them all in a healthy manner.

I made the decision MYSELF to get off benzos completely. I also have a prescription for lady partsl valium suppositories for pelvic pain, so I would stop that as well. I had already started the process of tapering myself over the past 6 months before seeing a psychiatrist to help do it the "correct" way.

This is where things get pretty crazy. I was referred to an addictions specialist due to my crazy high tolerance and ONE slip in 6 months of taking a lot at once to sleep. Fair enough. I am addicted after all. I was all in. I was to first see the nurse practitioner. At this point, I was out of Xanax for 9 days, having filled and taken my last refill...with minimal withdrawals. MINIMAL. My only symptom really was rebound anxiety and insomnia. Withdrawals for me usually would start to get bad at 2 weeks cold turkey. So I walk into the NPs office for the 1st time. She was rushing. Not even understanding what I was telling her as I had to repeat myself several times. Within 15 minutes she gathered that not only did I "need" rehab, but that if I refused to go right then and there and let my mom drive me, no stopping at home, that she would call the police and an ambulance. I. Was. Shocked. I said nothing to elude to being a threat to myself or others, which was the ONLY legal means I thought they had to FORCE me to be in patient somewhere. I had even said I completely understand them not wanting to write me a script considering my history without being evaluated inpatient first. But for a few DAYS and on MY terms as to when. NOT for the 1-2 months she was telling me, and certainly not against my will right then and there. What the actual F.

My mom was with me. I wanted her to be there and last minute asked her to come, and thank GOD for that. I had been giving my mom my Xanax bottle each month for 6 months to hold so I could not take more than my prescribed amount. She would dole them out to me every few days. It didn't help anxiety at such a low dose (for my high tolerance) but it kept withdrawal symptoms very manageable. This went very well for 6 months until I didn't bring her my last bottle fast enough, bc before I knew it, I slipped and took too much one night so I could try to sleep. I have MAJOR insomnia issues. So, being that I was seeking true help, I was 100% honest about that. I made it clear that I was not trying to harm myself. Heck, it didn't even put me to sleep. First the NP stated that she was making it mandatory bc she was concerned I would have a seizure due to withdrawals. I hadn't even been able to get to the fact that I had valium refills if I wanted to fill them. But anyway, I'm thinking, still...how can this be legal? How is it any different than a diabetic refusing insulin/medical treatment? But THEN....right before walking out for my mom to drive me to the hospital, I hear this b&$#@ say, "We don't want you to hurt yourself or anyone else." I'm like, oh hell no.

We get to the ER where we were told to go. My husband leaves work and comes. Entering rehab right then and there would mean losing tons of pay and losing my apartment as we wouldn't have the rent money with me gone. In my head, I'm pissed, I'm devastated thinking about NEVER getting to see my home again. Rent was due in 2 weeks. I WASN'T EVEN IN ACUTE WITHDRAWALS! This was unreal. I kept thinking how is this legal!? I decided to call my psychologist. My wonderful psychologist who has helped me so much. So I left her a VM briefly telling her the situation. Thank God she called right back. I said how is this legal? She was furious. She said, "It's not. Walk out of that ER. Can you come see me tomorrow at 2pm." I got up and bolted out that door.

So my husband and I went to see her the next day. She was SO MAD for me. She knows me. She knows the work I have done. With Xanax and every other aspect of life. Our goal has been to move forward and not just keep me functional, which was my old psychiatrist's goal, but to push further and get me more functional. I have made leaps and bounds and this nurse practitioner tried to lock me up after 15 minutes of gathering some info.

My psychologist doesn't believe being inpatient would be beneficial. Even if it were on my terms, let alone forced. She provides therapy at rehab facilities, and I'm getting her one on one. She told me everything she teaches in rehab we have already been working on, very successfully, while functioning out in the real world where triggers exist.

So anyway, sure enough the Nurse Practitioner called me the next day and left a VM. She said she learned I hadn't checked into the hospital and that she hoped I checked into treatment elsewhere. She also said if I wanted I could come in the office Monday, that they would squeeze me in. (This was the weekend.)

I didn't call her back. I've been too anxious to. I am now terrified that she has reported me to the BON under the guise of risk of harm to patients while in withdrawal. If she had taken the time, she would have learned that with my work schedule, I don't work while in withdrawals. I also never got the chance to tell her that I only took Xanax the night BEFORE work when anxiety would hit. Not AT or right before work. Everything my old psychiatrist and current psychologist knew. Also everything the referring psychiatrist knew.

So after all of that, it turns out I don't even need a further taper. The 6 months of taking, for me, a low dose, WAS my taper period, basically. After 11 days of being off completely, my symptoms were mostly gone, and now at 2 weeks, completely gone. I had anticipated a horrendous long withdrawal as I experienced that years ago before benzos were scrutinized the way they are now. If she turns me into the BON, I...I just can't. You guys are some incredibly strong people, because I feel I would give up. I'd start a different career. She called a week ago, and I'm still considering returning her call in the chance that if she hasn't reported me, that her hearing that I'm doing well would keep her from doing so. I don't know.

Looking back, adrenaline NOT through the roof, I now realize that the most they could have done was keep me for 3 business days, then they would have to take me to court to prove I'm a threat to anyone. And Id have my psychologist on my side. In the moment though, I couldn't stand the thought of being held against my will even one night. I've been there. I HAVE been in a psychiatric hospital three times. Rightfully so. But now? When I'm better than I've been in my life? Not exactly the best role model, but I keep thinking, "They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said no, no, no."