Student with Feelings!

You will one across a lot of situations...that will be a challenge at what you perceive as "normal"....

best wishes, you obviously are a caring person.....

Kids tear me up. I still think about kids from my peds clinical to this day, and can not see myself ever being a pediatric nurse. However, I've been adult nurse for 10 years now without issues. Have you had any other rotations? How did those go?

It's normal to feel compassion toward a patient, especially in cases where you are worried about their outcome. Feelings are good! If you didn't have any, you would suck as a nurse. As long as it doesn't interfere with your practice or judgement, then allow yourself to have emotions. Connecting with my patients is what reminds me that I chose the right career. Just don't get too attached, to the point that boundaries get blurred.

If this is bothering you, think about your experiences in other rotations. Maybe there is a better fit. Peds psych is REALLY hard. It's not for everyone. It's good that you are taking the time to reflect on how these experiences are affecting you, so that when you go applying for jobs, you will find one you love.

OP:

You are human first. Everyone has this or that emotional trigger point.

The folks that don't have one are called sociopaths.

You will learn as our soldiers do in combat to put the dissonance aside long enough to get the job done then you can cry over all the things that should have been but never will be and all the unexpected good things too.

You sound like the kind of person most of us would love to call our friend.

You wrote that "I didn't like my reaction." Please don't beat yourself up over that reaction! It means that you care, and you should be very afraid of being a nurse who doesn't react in some way. Effective RNs have feelings. :)

I have lost count of how many times I have gotten into my car and cried. I have blinked back tears in the pt's room and in care conferences when the dr tells the family there is nothing more we can do. Twice I have even taken a 2-minute cry break in the BR: once after the family left (for the PICU, where my patient's children were) before taking the pt to the morgue...once after a family had brought the pt's 2 yr old baby to the bedside to see her mama one last time. Fortunately I have a phenomenal team, and we typically ask "Do you need to take a breather? I'll watch your pts." when one of our colleagues is in one of those tough cases.

To be clear, I do stay focused despite the active tear ducts. I don't turn into a hysterical mess. While with pts and families I continue care, continue speaking, just with ocular moisture.

I'm an RN of 13 years with 5 of those in the ICU. I have been commended for my ability to stay cool in emergency situations. I get good performance reviews, and my colleagues' assessments are a part of those. I have had providers say they are glad to have their patients under my care.

And I cry.

It sounds like a terrible situation for your clinical pt, but you did what you could. Once you were in your safe zone, your feelings manifested themselves. You are human.

((((Hugs)))) Take care of yourself today. When at home, try to focus on being home amongst your loved ones -- not on the situations in clinical/at work. Self care is self preservation. Getting consumed by this stuff will lead to burnout.