Please give me your opinion

I'm a little confused. Are you clean now? The BON will more than likely want to know what you are doing, have you changed your ways, refrences from friends, family, MD of your clean time.

If you have the opportunity to get an attorney, DO IT!!! DO IT NOW!!!! If you aren't ready to be "compliant" then more than likely you will have your license revoked. That is just my opinion though. The opiate you took, was that a Rx from your doctor?

What state are you in? Each is different.

You really need to decide what you want. If you want to keep doing things "your way" then you probably won't get far. If you are ready to admit you aren't in control and need help, you will make a better impression. I totally get it, I wasn't ready for a long time. Everyone has to have their "rock bottom"

Good luck.

I Have to agree with RN Rutro. If you want to practice nursing again you can't play games with your recovery. Your license and the ability to practice are privileges, not rights. The board of nursing is charged with protecting the public from unsafe nurses. If your not attending the minimum required meetings and taking opioids for a headache without informing the monitoring group that you've taken it (was it prescribed?) makes you unsafe in their eyes. If you were one of the CRNAs I fellow as a peer advisorwe'd be having a serious discussion about how badly you want long term recovery, and if you really want to practice nursing again. Only you can answer that question. But the board is going to wonder how much you want to get your license back. An attorney may or may not be able to help this situation, but going without one isn't the decision I would recommend to any of my clients. You don't represent yourself in criminal court. I don't recommend you represent yourself before the board. Contact The American Association of Nurse Attorneys for referral resources. You want an attorney who understands administrative law AND nursing.

I too thought I could handle all of the garbage associated with this disease and this profession. I did things my way until I had felonies on my record and gave up my license before they required me to (yeah, right, like there was any other choice available...NOT! But at the time it made me feel like I was in control. Protected my delicate ego.) Until you're ready to do what needs to be done...admitted you were powerless and your life has become unmanageable, you're going to struggle. Get a sponsor who will call you on your stuff, attend 90 meetings in 90 days, stop using all mood altering chemicals, share what's going on in your head with others in the same boat. Do it for 90 days. As Dr. Phil says, "Doing things your way, how's it workin' for ya?" I know my way put me in all the garbage I found myself in.

This isn't easy. But if I can do it, (I was VERY resistant) I have no doubt you can too.

Prayers

Jack

I am sorry you are going through this and you have been given some excellent advice, we can only offer support here and each case regardless on BON is dealt with one it's own merit so definitely get some support as we can not predict how it will be handled

Thank you for replying, yes, I've been clean and sober since January 25th 07. The opiate that I took was for a headache, my cousin gave it to me I didnt think twice I just took it. I was in pain and didn't think about it, untill it showed up on my screen. If I was goin to relapse I would have had a big glass of wine. Anyway, I'm currently working as a psych nurse here in MN. I have my doctors support to keep working and I've already sent all of my information (support letters, doctors notes etc.) to the board. When the monitoring program dropped me I really kicked my program into gear because I guess I realized that this is serious. I usually seem to learn the hard way ...

-having faith

Thank you for replying, yes, I've been clean and sober since January 25th 07. The opiate that I took was for a headache, my cousin gave it to me I didnt think twice I just took it. I was in pain and didn't think about it, untill it showed up on my screen. If I was goin to relapse I would have had a big glass of wine. Anyway, I'm currently working as a psych nurse here in MN. I have my doctors support to keep working and I've already sent all of my information (support letters, doctors notes etc.) to the board. When the monitoring program dropped me I really kicked my program into gear because I guess I realized that this is serious. I usually seem to learn the hard way ...

-having faith

As addicts, I think we ALL learn things the hard way! I certainly had to learn it a really hard way...finally getting busted and pleading to several counts of diversion. The judge gave me 3 years probation instead of the 8 years he could have given me. He said he did that because I was the first person who took responsibility for their actions and was ready for whatever came next. Unfortunately, I knew coming back would be pointless since it was clear one of my major triggers was the profession itself. Access, access, access! I also would have lost my license because of the felonies, so I figured I'd beat them to the punch by "voluntarily" surrendering my license. I ended up in this mess because I didn't take the disease seriously or my recovery seriously.

Take the same passion for your recovery everyday. To maintain it for the rest of your life seems exhausting and too daunting a task. To take it "one day at a time" is freeing. You don't have to remain clean and sober for the rest of your life...just for today.

Good luck! Let us know how we can support you. And let us know how things go!

Big Hugs from Cincinnati!

Jack

Thank you for replying, yes, I've been clean and sober since January 25th 07. The opiate that I took was for a headache, my cousin gave it to me I didnt think twice I just took it. I was in pain and didn't think about it, untill it showed up on my screen. If I was goin to relapse I would have had a big glass of wine. Anyway, I'm currently working as a psych nurse here in MN. I have my doctors support to keep working and I've already sent all of my information (support letters, doctors notes etc.) to the board. When the monitoring program dropped me I really kicked my program into gear because I guess I realized that this is serious. I usually seem to learn the hard way ...

-having faith

I hate to sound mean or harsh, but you should have taken it very seriously when you entered the program, not waited until now to realize the severity of it. Jack has some very good advice, and you will get good advice here. But we cannot make you want to be a nurse bad enough to work the program and make recovery happen for you. YOU have to do that.

Jack, you say the "profession" was a trigger. So, did you relinquish your profession and if so what do you do now for a living?

I too have a similar sounding history and I am in the throes of trying to decide what to do for the rest of my working career. I am 58 years old and have practiced nursing for over 30 years. I fear returning to nursing because I don't think I could resist the temptation. I was a top notch nurse and have great pride about the nursing profession. I am currently without a license and have been floundering, bouncing from menial job to menial job, totally unfulfilled and restless. I'm sober and clean. So I guess the question is, what do I do for the rest of my working life, when it appears that nursing is not an option?

Thanks Joanne

Jack, you say the "profession" was a trigger. So, did you relinquish your profession and if so what do you do now for a living?

I too have a similar sounding history and I am in the throes of trying to decide what to do for the rest of my working career. I am 58 years old and have practiced nursing for over 30 years. I fear returning to nursing because I don't think I could resist the temptation. I was a top notch nurse and have great pride about the nursing profession. I am currently without a license and have been floundering, bouncing from menial job to menial job, totally unfulfilled and restless. I'm sober and clean. So I guess the question is, what do I do for the rest of my working life, when it appears that nursing is not an option?

Thanks Joanne

Have you thought about counseling? They say the best LCDC's are recovering addicts. I know that it would be my next option if I didn't have nursing anymore. I am even kicking it around in my head now. I feel like maybe this happened to me so that I can help others in their time of need. I remember feeling like I needed a nurse to look up to when I was down and when I thought I was the only nurse this ever happened to.

Jack, you say the "profession" was a trigger. So, did you relinquish your profession and if so what do you do now for a living?

I too have a similar sounding history and I am in the throes of trying to decide what to do for the rest of my working career. I am 58 years old and have practiced nursing for over 30 years. I fear returning to nursing because I don't think I could resist the temptation. I was a top notch nurse and have great pride about the nursing profession. I am currently without a license and have been floundering, bouncing from menial job to menial job, totally unfulfilled and restless. I'm sober and clean. So I guess the question is, what do I do for the rest of my working life, when it appears that nursing is not an option?

Thanks Joanne

Joanne,

I sure did! I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't left the profession.

One of the things I discovered about me is that I'm a pretty decent portrait artist (charcoal and graphite). I do people and/or pets (drawing that is). I'm also a wedding officiant (which is kinda fun!).

My passion lies in recovery and I've started my own consulting/education/advocacy business. I'm beginning to pick up some speaking engagements and assisting with developing policies regarding substance abuse and chemical dependence for nursing and nurse anesthesia/anesthesia departments. In a true ironic twist, I'll be giving a presentation at the hospital where I worked when my addiction started. There are a few anesthesiologists still working there from my days as a CRNA (19 years ago), so this is going to be fun! Also, I'm giving a presentation to a treatment center in NE Ohio on the treatment needs of the health care professional. When I was sitting in treatment after my relapse I never thought I would one day be speaking to the treatment team about the specialized needs of nurses and nurse anesthetists/anesthesiologists. Not bringing in much money as yet, but it's coming soon.

I'm also the chair of the peer advocacy for practitioner wellness committee for the Ohio State Association of Nurse Anesthetists and also their senior peer advisor. It's an unpaid position but they reimburse me for all expenses related to carrying the message, and it has me in the middle of the peer assistance movement for the American Association of Nurse Anesthetists.

My mother died about 3 months before my divorce so I moved in with my Dad which has worked out very well. I maintain the house and property and take him to his doctor appointments (he has the "best" kind of prostate cancer according to his urologist) in exchange for a roof over my head.

There are no accidents and I know my Higher Power has a plan. It seems just when I need $$ or a connection, there it is! I get up everyday and LOVE what I'm doing.

I think EastTexas has a great thought about the counseling thing. Check it out. It might not pay tons, but you'll definitely know you're needed!

If I can help in any way let me know and I'll do whatever I can.

One day at a time my friend.

Jack

Thank you East Texas and Jack for your words of encouragement and advice. I have thought about counseling, I know that I would have to go back to school which I wouldn't mind at all except for the expense of it.

I really think by not going back to nursing, it is saving my life. I have struggled with this decision for quite a while. It is very difficult to admit that nursing is no longer an option for me. It makes me sad and also, I look at the salary I could be making and cringe. I have a grown son and an 18 year old daughter who is in her freshman year of college and I would like to be able to give her everything she needs. I also live with an elderly parent and do the same stuff as you Jack, in exchange for a roof over the head. It works pretty well and I am grateful.I don't look back anymore and berate myself for the past because it is useless and my self esteem is not the greatest. The past is unchangable and when I tell you I screwed up, that is an understatement. I lost license, home, children, husband and every other finite thing you can think of. It has taken quite a while for me to feel half way decent again about myself.

Sometimes I feel like a coward for not attempting to reenter the profession. Family members are cool but don't understand why I don't go back, they don't get the idea of relapsing. They think I should just buck up and do it.

Thanks alot for responding, I am always amazed that there are people just like me with the same kinds of experiences. It is reassuring and comforting to know I am not alone. Now, I just have to find some lifes work that pays, is rewarding and that I love.

Jack , I know of a guy here in Pa (eastern part of the state), nurse anesthetist, who has devoted his life to helping other nurses, it sounds very similar to what you are doing. He speaks and is involved in policy formation etc.

Thanks again. Maybe someday I'll tell my story if anyone wants to hear it. Joanne

Thank you East Texas and Jack for your words of encouragement and advice. I have thought about counseling, I know that I would have to go back to school which I wouldn't mind at all except for the expense of it.

I really think by not going back to nursing, it is saving my life. I have struggled with this decision for quite a while. It is very difficult to admit that nursing is no longer an option for me. It makes me sad and also, I look at the salary I could be making and cringe. I have a grown son and an 18 year old daughter who is in her freshman year of college and I would like to be able to give her everything she needs. I also live with an elderly parent and do the same stuff as you Jack, in exchange for a roof over the head. It works pretty well and I am grateful.I don't look back anymore and berate myself for the past because it is useless and my self esteem is not the greatest. The past is unchangable and when I tell you I screwed up, that is an understatement. I lost license, home, children, husband and every other finite thing you can think of. It has taken quite a while for me to feel half way decent again about myself.

Sometimes I feel like a coward for not attempting to reenter the profession. Family members are cool but don't understand why I don't go back, they don't get the idea of relapsing. They think I should just buck up and do it.

Thanks alot for responding, I am always amazed that there are people just like me with the same kinds of experiences. It is reassuring and comforting to know I am not alone. Now, I just have to find some lifes work that pays, is rewarding and that I love.

Jack , I know of a guy here in Pa (eastern part of the state), nurse anesthetist, who has devoted his life to helping other nurses, it sounds very similar to what you are doing. He speaks and is involved in policy formation etc.

Thanks again. Maybe someday I'll tell my story if anyone wants to hear it. Joanne

Joanne,

First, you are not a bad person trying to become good. You have a chronic, progressive, unnecessarily fatal disease trying to become and remain well. Addiction is a disease, as is cancer, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, etc. The organ primarily affected is the brain. As a result of the disease and chemicals ingested, our base motivation becomes obtaining and using our drug of choice (others if we can't get the one we prefer). When access to that drug is blocked, our brain believes we will die without it. The drug becomes our air/water/food. Just as a person who is cut off from those things will do whatever it takes to obtain them in order to survive, so will we when our disease is active. If it means lying, cheating, stealing, selling our possessions or ourselves...that's what we will do because our brain believes without the drug our very existence is threatened.

Second, there are numerous jobs in nursing that don't require you to be around mood altering substances. If you still have your license, why not consider working in a treatment center? Or, perhaps you could become the "house mom" for a sober living home. A school nurse, telephone triage nurse, etc. Shoot, become a pharmaceutical research site monitor. My ex-wife does that (she's an RN) and my daughter does as well (she has a BA). They LOVE getting nurses because they have the health care background and get "up to speed" quicker than someone without the background.

Just a few thoughts to mull over. The senior peer advisor for the AANA happens to live and practice in PA. He's one of my heroes and mentor. Might be the same guy you're talking about.

Nursing might not be out of the question if you still have your license. Since I have felony convictions, my license was going to go away so I figured I would save them the time and simply surrender my license. after having practiced anesthesia it would have been difficult to return to another nursing position. Starting a new business seemed much more challenging and peer advocacy is relatively new (if non-existent) for impaired nurses. Besides, I like stirring things up.

Hang in there my friend. There are always possibilities.

Jack

Thank you for replying, yes, I've been clean and sober since January 25th 07. The opiate that I took was for a headache, my cousin gave it to me I didnt think twice I just took it. I was in pain and didn't think about it, untill it showed up on my screen. If I was goin to relapse I would have had a big glass of wine. Anyway, I'm currently working as a psych nurse here in MN. I have my doctors support to keep working and I've already sent all of my information (support letters, doctors notes etc.) to the board. When the monitoring program dropped me I really kicked my program into gear because I guess I realized that this is serious. I usually seem to learn the hard way ...

-having faith

First of all, congrats on your recovery.

As someone who is a nurse, you obviously know that an illegal drug is any drug that is not only against the law, but any prescription drug that isn't written TO you FOR you.

I get chronic migraines, and I have some ultra-heavy duty stuff. However, Tylenol or aspirin is always my FIRST choice when I have a headache...if the pain doesn't go away, then I take something heavier. However, most of the time, the OTC knocks out the headache.

If your headache could not be relieved by an OTC med, and you went to the ER, then you have a right to be properly medicated for pain. Therefore, you would not have had a "failed" drug screen...b/c you would have had medical documentation of why the drug was in your system.

However, it would not explain the non-compliance with the meetings...it's a very, very small thing to ask for, to attend these meetings.

Part of what the meetings teach, is to help change your mindset and way of thinking. For example, your first instinct was not to even attempt to take an OTC for your headache...but to take an opiate. When you said, you "didn't think anything of it"...most of us WOULD think twice about it, should any of us be popped for a random test at work.

These are things that you have to consider, as you continue your journey.