dealing with stress response

I can't say whether this is a stress reaction, PTSD or something else. But here's the psych speak for what happened to you; those in authority over you repeatedly refused to allow you to set appropriate professional and personal boundaries. In fact, you were punished and shamed for your attempts. From an outsiders view, the repeated violations caused emotional trauma which is now presenting as avoidance behaviors.

Setting boundaries is a cornerstone of maintaining your mental health as a nurse, especially in hospice. You've recognized a correlation between ways you were mistreated and problematic responses to current events. That's a great start. Some people could work through this sort of thing on their own. Others, myself included, would need some professional help.

I found that having a space to tell my story led to exploring ways in which the toxic work culture connected me with older emotional traumas. The next steps were to rebuild my confidence in my ability to take care of myself in the present, and letting go of the pain and resulting hyper-vigilance of both the recent and long past traumas. If that sounds like PTSD treatment, it's because it was.

Side note: For the life of me I can't understand how a hospice whose staff spend this much time focused on each other instead of patients can be successful. Case loads and management are hard enough without spending hours in a day in these staff-focused activities. I assume this is a small agency?

Wow, I am so sorry you had those terrible experiences at that job and are currently dealing with the aftermath as well. Whether or not someone calls it PTSD or stress reaction, I encourage you to talk with a professional about it all.

"...they wish to have a conversation about how I am doing "emotionally". I report "doing fine and able to perform my job" and they do not like this."

These people are obviously crazy, but not everyone is. I have had experiences like that , and so have many people. You did the right thing by getting out of there, but things like this take time to recover from. There is no shame in that. Sometimes getting an outside perspective is helpful. Sometimes a vacation is in order. How you cope with stress is just as important as what is causing it. I strongly encourage seeking out a counsellor because sometimes we can't fix these things on our own.

Be at peace...

Let me first validate that your manager was totally incompetent and mishandled the situation. What he or she should have done is given support staff firm boundaries on when and how they are allowed to contact you and forbidden them from wasting your time asking you inappropriate questions about your personal life. That would have nipped the problem in the bud. Instead, management encouraged the poor boundaries and created a real problem.

I left a toxic workplace too. Not exactly the same problems you had, but like you I was mistreated by support staff and my manager backed them instead of me. Like you, I got out after being written up for malarkey.

At my next job, I was at first hypersensitive to benign events. My boss was awesome, and said she wanted to help me feel comfortable. For me, it passed with time, as I gained confidence back in myself and developed good relationships at the new gig. I didn't need therapy, but I think therapy is great and would encourage anyone who is open to it to go ahead. It might have sped up my healing process, I don't know.

I'm 1 and a half years out of the toxic job and very solidly comfortable. I felt better after 3 months and very much better after 6 months. At the 1 year mark, it was just a memory. You will get your groove back too.

Thanks for the responses guys. Honestly I wasn't expecting so much sensitivity and support, I really appreciate it.

I think sometimes things like this can really hurt us when they bring up old traumas in which personal boundaries were violated...even though it seems like "ugh, it's just a crappy job" it pushes a lot of buttons for deeper things that might not be 100% resolved.

I think I do need some help dealing with this, at least to receive the validation that I'm not crazy for having this response. You guys have helped a lot by taking my situation seriously. I had a patient in nursing school who told me "sometimes when people are suffering, the best thing you can do is say I see what's happening to you" and that has stuck with me.

I'm glad that you mentioned that labeling your feelings as PTSD was strong, as often people are very quick to throw that designation around which can dilute its meaning.

That being said, your former job did a real number on you and maybe having a sit-down with a counselor to decompress and get some feedback might be a good idea...

Your previous work situation was messed up. I could never tolerate that kind of intrusive and time wasting stuff. I am glad you left and I hope you find a better situation soon.