My story is simple. I surrendered my license in 2011. I contacted the nurse peer assistance program and asked to be monitored again and embarked on true sobriety, i have tried quite a few times over the past 3 years or my 5 year surrender stipulation. with 2 years left before i can even approach the BON and after much realization that my new baby and husband deserve a sober mom and wife. I entered the rooms again on March 19th and have been sober and clean since March 14. I learned an OTC Benedryl was my new drug of choice during an evaluation. OTC really !!!!! Now really really clean and sober and in recovery a year from an eating disorder of 20+ years. I have zero crutches and am going to meetings and have a sponsor. Some days it is all I can do not to jump out of my skin. Has anyone gone through this and how do you get through it. Is it normal to feel totally manic. I start an IOP program very soon and cannot wait to understand what is really wrong with me and what has been covered up by my eating disorder of 20+ years and then drugs and alcohol for the past 6 years. Thanks for letting my vent.

Oooooh sweety, yes it is more than normal! I myself am approaching my 60 days of true sobriety (I chose a later sober date because I too took benedryl and realized it affected my mind). You are how embarking on the journey to live without anything helping you. I bet your mind is running a million times a second at all times. Up until now you have used a substance to turn off your mind, to give yourself a break. And now you have to learn how to deal with every emotion. I found myself wanting to drink because I didn't even know how to handle happiness. I didn't know how to handle gratitude. I expected to want to drink when I felt sad or angry, but joy and gratitude??? With that said, it does get better. My mind has never, and I mean NEVER, felt so calm. Don't get me wrong, I have my days. You can expect the first 30 days to feel like you are becoming more crazy than you were before and then it gets better in leaps and bounds (write a little each day in a journal so you can see your progress). Expect that PAWS is a reality, and the symptoms are at their worse about every 30 days. Keep writing here, we are all in the same boat and we get it. Hang in there! Don't give up the second before the miracle

Hi! I'm Anne - I have been in recovery since 1999. I can SO relate to what u said, and 2year hit the nail on the head. I got used to numbing almost EVERY emotion with a pill. Mad, take a pill. Sad, bored, u name it, I took pills. I had no idea how to handle any emotion, any problem that "normal" people could handle without my crutch. It took me quite a while to understand - and believe.

I had the same feelings u have had - it can still creep up on me if I let it. My hubby is an RN also- and in recovery. He is able to read those feelings and kind of "talk me down" if that makes any sense.

Glad you're here with us! I think we have an awesome recovery forum on AN - please keep us posted on how things are going.

Anne, RNC

Thank you 2yeara and sissiesmama I am actually crying this morning reading this and just in general crying for really no good reason watching my daughter sleep. I have an evaluation in like 2 hours and have to pull it together so I can drive. Honestly I feel so insane sometimes. Some days it is all I can do to just pick up the phone and call someone in the program, even though I absolutley feel like an idiot and selfish when they help and I cannot give them something back, but slowly I am learning that is part of this journey. Still ******* hard as **** (sorry no other language can describe what I am feeling). Yeah I have slightly heard about PAWS, but I figured I was not drinking that much but yeah I was using serious amounts of benedryl during my pregnancy (doctor told me it was safe...maybe for the normal person) and then again when my daughter was old enough that she was sleeping in her crib (2 months old) I guess I am just seriously getting overwhelmed and just sad and raw and let me tell you this sucks monkey butt. Hopefully the IOP program I am going into will allow me a safe place to cry and let this all out. I know AA does and I am grateful for that.

Thanks again. Congrats 2year on 60 days. I only have little over 2 weeks.

IOP should help, as long as you have good therapists. My therapist in IOP and private 1:1 was amazing, he helped me learn how to "feel the feelings" and realize I'm not a bad person trying to be good, but a sick person trying to become well. Sobriety is hard work and I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but some days aren't going to be and others you won't even think of your past addictions. I am now 1 year and change sober from my opiate addiction and every now and then I long for that numbness they brought me. But then I remember all the heartache and trouble they caused, SO not worth it! Stay strong and work an honest program, the feelings will subside and answers will come.

You're making the right choice for both you and your family.

HB

When you make those calls to people in the program you are helping. We only keep what we have by giving it away. Addiction is a disease of selfishness, we become self centered in our thinking and actions because we become stuck in self preservation. In calling someone you are giving that person the opportunity to lift themselves out of self in order to speak with you and offer advice, you give their worst life experiences purpose. A good example? I just woke up afraid, self doubting (like I said im at 60 and PAWS is rearing its ugly head). The first thing I did was to come here, read your update, and respond. Now the anxiety has begun to lift. One thing my sponsor asked of me in my first weeks was to call three women in the pprogram and ask how their day was, in order to give them the opportunity to vent and to help lift me out of myself. It works amazingly. You are doing great, it is a brilliant journey

I just sent you a PM

Thank you so much hunniebadger, sissiesmama, and two year. I do feel a little better getting it out and I did call someone in the program this morning. I do have a tough time trusting anybody, but I feel pretty good about being honest and open here and in AA. I had my evaluation at an IOP program, but it felt so wrong so I have another one on Wednesday closer to home so hopefully it will be better.

Hey hunnie, I wanted to say that you are right about how much work it is. I relapsed because I was on that pink cloud and then it vanished and I didn't feel well sober. No matter how far apart or how brief the spells are, they never feel easier :) you are absolutely correct!

I don't know if this is normal right now, but does ones memory become almost as bad as when they were using when you become sober. I have a 4 month old baby and I cannot remember half of what I did last week, let alone what I said sometimes.

Yes ma'am! It is perfectly normal.

I don't know if this is normal right now, but does ones memory become almost as bad as when they were using when you become sober. I have a 4 month old baby and I cannot remember half of what I did last week, let alone what I said sometimes.

That's being the parent of a newborn baby, not related to sober/using. I used to say all my brains were going right out of my nipples, but then I had friends who were bottle-feeding and they said they felt the same way. THAT, at least, you can see the end of! They do learn to sleep eventually. Not soon enough, but in the long run ... soon. {{Hugs}}

you are experiencing 100% normal experiences in early sobriety..........i am very proud of you, i like the tools i see you using to just stay sober today......yes you are giving when you make those calls......as it has been said we only keep what we have by supporting and sharing our strength, hope, and experiences......