When you question your actions.
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Do no harm. This is the core of a nurse's belief. But what happens when this belief is shaken, when one is convinced that they may have indeed done harm, even in reality they did not? Throughout the years, I've heard stories told by nurses old and young. Stories that were just that, stories. You sit and you listen, but in the end you feel a disconnection from the situation. After all, it didn't happen to you, so how can you fully understand what these nurses were feeling? I felt this same disconnection, until it was my turn to experience this feeling.
During my last clinical, I was visiting with a client that is total care and who has no ability to communicate. I've never seen any family visit and other than staff giving care, I never noticed anyone actually talk with him. He seemed like he would be a bit lonely. So after passing meds, I had some down time. I decided to spend a bit of time with him and talk, even though I didn't expect a response.
I went in his room and closed the door halfway behind me, as I found it upon entering. I sat down beside him and began to talk. I asked a few of the basic assessment questions and then sat down and began talking about the current news. He turned his head toward me and started to watch me. Was he glad I was there talking or did he wish me to leave? I couldn't tell. I decided to continue talking and put my hand on his wrist. Half counting pulse beats and half offering some comfort and human interaction.
About 10 minutes into being in the room and talking about multiple topics, the door swung open. A woman hastily stepped into the room and demanded to know just what it was I was doing! Not knowing this person, I told her that I was just sitting here talking with the client. She immediately walked towards me and wedged herself between myself and the man in bed. I took a step back and watched a bit in shock. She leaned over him and asked, "Are you ok dad"? It was then that I realized that thas is the daughter.
I started edging away from the two and said the only thing that came to mind, "how has he been doing lately?",thinking that she would know better than anyone else. No words were spoken, however she turned her head and gave me one of the most hostile looks I've seen. I could tell that she wanted to yell at me, to tell me what was on her mind. Instead, she just ignored the question and turned back to her dad. I told her that I would give them some privacy and proceeded to leave the room.
Did she think I hurt him? Did I hurt him? I realize that she is probably just scared that he is there under those circumstances and it just came out as anger. But you know how the mind works at times like this, that nagging little feeling that says, "maybe I did do something wrong, maybe I did do harm"....even though in reality I did not.
I realize that this is just the first of perhaps many moments like this that may occur over the next several years. What have you done to cope with and move on from a situation when you question an action you've taken or feel bad about something that you shouldn't?