Merrie82

Taylor Swift has a new album out, and I can't get the song "Bigger than the whole sky" out of my head. It's a song about death and grief, honor and love. There's a lot of death in nursing in general, and on my floor lately in particular. I'm struggling. Don't want to bring it home with me but I can't seem to leave it there either. I don't know. I don't want to be the kind of person who isn't affected by losing a patient, or helping a family to say goodbye, but its exhausting. The caring. Think I need some distance. Or a vacation?? Maybe that's it ?‍♀️? What do you do when facing a lot of death at work?

Wow! Those are some serious things to miss ?. I have a family member with a mental health dx who deals with the "its all in your head/this is attn seeking behavior" routine fairly often. 1x she needed her gallbladder removed. Another time she had gone to the Dr several times bc she thought she was in menopause and was having some issues, and they kept saying no you are too young. I gave her the name of the test to ask for and the phrasing to use with the Dr. They did the blood test the next time she went and sure enough, she's started the change at age 40.

Okay, so not my mother actually ???. What is a big fat whopper of a lie you've gotten in report? Maybe not with any malicious intent, but because the nurse handing off had vastly different experience than you will... I'll start: "Patient X is Pleasantly confused" ?? 30 minutes later...Walk into pleasantly confused patients room.... Pt completely ungowned, de-sheeted, & playing with their member. Turns to look at me with a rather interesting leer, and says "Mother says I've been a BAAAAAD BOY," licks lips in exaggerated manner and continues with their, e-hem, business. ?????‍♀️ (I should add here in my state, older folks will often refer to their wives as Mother)

I know you qualified your answer here with 'I'm generalizing'....if you know that you are, maybe you should just try not to??Certainly most people that I know and love are not "all about the exterior" as you say. As for the US being obsessed with the military...well, we certainly have been involved with enough armed conflict that this obsession is warranted. I won't say it is correct, or good, or that I have agreed with all of the conflicts we have been a part of, or in some cases instigated. But we have been 'at war' so to speak (usually without any official declaration of war during modern history) for the entirety of our brief existence as a country. I don't necessarily thank people 'for their service' who are in the military (only bc the phrase sounds weird on my tongue), but I do thank them for working to keep me and everyone else safe. People join the military, often straight out of high school, as a way to get out of poverty, or their questionable family situations, or bc they want to go to college and can't otherwise, or sometimes, yes, because they want to SERVE their country. They receive basic training and often are deployed shortly thereafter to war zones where they will risk their lives and sanity in SERVICE to their country for very little pay. (Now I'm thinking the word service is more appropriate to say, and I should feel OK with using it). I have a nephew who went to Iraq for 2 tours of duty starting at age 19. He came back, but he never really came back. He left a lot of himself there, and lost several friends who died. He sacrificed a lot, A LOT, in service to this country. My brother in law was in the Marines, and was deployed twice. He made it back okay. Many of his mates didn't, and many more have since committed suicide. Whether I agree with the political motivation for going to Iraq or not, I still think he and others like him in the military deserve my thanks. I'm not infatuated with the military, but I do appreciate those who give up so much to ensure my safety, whether they be police, military, fire, or EMS. As far as people thanking us for our service? I feel weird when ppl do, bc I don't put myself in that same first responder category, but I just say your welcome, or thanks. The intent is kind, and that's really all that matters. ❤

I certainly would not work for minimum wage, nor am I ashamed of that. I'm not selfish, but I do need to be able to support my family, and maintain a roof over my head, buy food, medications, and hopefully not end up living in my car as I almost did a few years ago. I became a nurse to help people. I have compassion. And yes, I also am excited to eventually be able to be more than 1 paycheck away from being homeless. ❤

Thank you! 2nd shift would be a dream, but thats a ways off. I'll settle for straight nights once it comes ?

Thank you! I actually had a much better week last week on nights. I think a lot comes down to, "I stink at rotating, especially if its in the same week." My brain is very sensitive to changes in sleep schedule, and does not appreciate me throwing it out of wack, ?. Last week I worked 3 overnights in a row for the first time, and no day shifts thrown in there, and it was a lot less difficult to adjust mentally. As far as my migraines go, I have done the whole migraine diary (for over a year), along with elimination diets to figure out food triggers etc. My triggers include bright lights, extreme overstimulation, changes in sleep pattern or eating routine, illness, stress, barometric pressure changing rapidly, and certain foods. Absent those triggers, I have about 2 migraine days a week on my current preventative, which is much better than the daily chronic intractable migraines I had for 8 years. ❤❤ obviously the rotating schedule is less than ideal for migraines because my sleep has no schedule that is consistent. Hopefully once I am on straight nights this will improve ??.

You are sounding like someone looking for a reaction, any reaction, positive or negative. I don't understand why you would say something like this otherwise. Good luck to you.

So, just wanted to update all... had my last 3 shifts of orientation, and they went soooo much better. Not sure if it was the patients, the new preceptor, the fact that I did 3 in a row for the first time at night, or if it just clicked, but I felt way more organized and less fuzzy headed. Makes me hopeful that once I'm on straight nights life, and my migraine brain, will be less complicated ?? Thanks All ❤❤

Thank you! Its funny evening shift is definitely my best time to work, too. I think bc it aligns with my natural sleep schedule, which is basically 0130 or 0200-0930. Maybe its a migraine thing.

Thanks! I sure hope so. I don't have a say, and during this orientation part its been totally random. Like 2 days and then a night, or 1 day and then 2 nights. This week I have 3 night shifts back to back for the first time. So we will see. Fingers crossed. Im not really a morning person, so you would think a night shift would be a blessing, but my brain apparently has other ideas. Just hoping for a migraine free clear headed week before im off orientation ❤?

Sadly no, but I did hear that a person who works 2nd shift might want out of it, so I may approach my manager in a bit and just let her know I wouldn't mind working 2nd. But first to get thru the next 12 weeks ??

I worked on a Covid Unit as a CNA from last march through this December. It is exhausting! Mentally, physically, and emotionally. Gowning up and papring up for every patient interaction. Spending an hour at least in a room to try to get all the care clustered as much as we can because of the extra time it takes to get ready to enter a room. Seeing so many patients die. I had one patient right at Christmas time that was on the unit, and he was dying. His wife of over 40 years was in the hospice section of their care facility, and she was dying too. I helped a zoom video call happen, and held the tablet for my patient while he tried to talk to his wife. He promised her he was coming home, and she should wait for him. They were both so ill they could barely keep their eyes open, and kept dozing off during the call. I went home that night and I just couldn't get that call out of my head, or let go of that patient and his wife. My husband drove me around in the car and let me talk to him about it and cry, and then we spent about 2 hours driving and looking at people's Christmas decorations around town. IT IS EXHAUSTING! And you are totally normal to feel this way. Can you take any time off? Like maybe a couple of weeks back to back. Sometimes we have to give ourselves a break, before WE break. Or maybe if your hospital can use you in a different unit for a while? Since the covid unit is slowing down? Might be good to see some non-covid patients, and maybe a little less death. I wish I had better answers, but know that you are not alone.?

That's awesome that the calcium channel blockers work for you! I tried them to no avail. I am on a preventative medication called Aimovig that I inject monthly, and my migraines have greatly improved overall. I have had migraines my whole life. As for what type, well, I have heard the term "complicated, or complex" migraine thrown around. Even though that isn't a real type of migraine, it does describe them fairly well, in that confusion, aphasia, right sided facial droop, etc, is a type of aura for me. And of course I get all the standard migraine crapola too. Prior to Aimovig I went 8 years of having chronic intractable daily migraines. Since starting Aimovig 3 years ago, I am down to roughly 2 migraine days a week, which while still a lot, is a life changing improvement. I never would have made it through nursing school without this med. I have obviously noticed a big uptick in mirgraines since starting this new schedule, but hopefully y'all are correct, and once I can get on a more routine schedule as far as sleep, I will be able to function better. 12 more weeks, 12 more weeks. That will be my mantra, and I will get through this. Thanks again ?

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I will unfortunately be rotating until mid June, then I will be straight nights, which is what I was hired for. I do think rotating is some of the issue, and look forward to when I can stop doing this. I can't even explain how different I feel working at night vs. during the day. It's like my brain isn't functioning properly. I am...confused? Foggy? I get migraines, and afterwards I usually have what I call a migraine hangover day, where I'm just not quite right cognitively. For example, on one such migraine hangover day, I was playing scrabble with my family. I was having difficulty figuring out what to do with my blank squares (I had 2!) to make a whole word. I was getting really frustrated, bc I just couldn't think. My husband and mother helped, and I got a great word. Once the game was over, we were looking at the board and realized no one ever got the q, or z? Can't remember now. Either way, turns out I had the z, and I put it and another letter on the board upside down, thinking it was a blank. Like that. That is the level of fogginess I am experiencing at night. I am assessing patients for neurological deficits and changes, while experiencing neurological deficits and changes. I feel like a different person, a different nurse, at night. I really, really, hope that it's from rotating, and will get better once I am straight nights. As for a new preceptor, I hope that it helps! I am open to any and all feedback from them, and hopefully they will have some good ideas to help me be more organized.

Thank you ❤❤ I do understand, and will work as hard as I can over the next several months to get my feet under me. I have extensive experience with "fake it til you make it" LOL.

??? Of course its not a "monkey in the wrench" but it sounds good, yeah? Editing to add I was playing on the saying "throwing a monkey wrench"... "The monkey wrench is a type of adjustable wrench, a 19th century American refinement of 18th-century English coach wrenches. ... The largely US idiom "to throw a monkey wrench into..." means to sabotage something." From the internet encyclopedia aka Wikipedia. I believe that the monkey on the back analogy is also appropriate in this instance. And I am the Dog sign in Chinese astrology, or at least that's what all those placemats at the Chinese place I went to as a kid said. As for TPTB allowing me 1 additional orientation shift....they aren't. They switched my last day orientation shift to nights is all. And switched my night preceptor to a more experienced RN. I don't know that 1 additional night shift will make a big difference, but here's to hoping it does. ❤ Thank you for the moral encouragement ??

Thanks! I do have report sheets, aka, my brain, that I use for each pt. And charting! ? There is so much charting! I'm definitely still working on how to keep up with that LOL. As far as asking to have only 4 pt at first, that's a no go, I asked. I can understand their perspective. 5 is normal, and we can go up to 6 on nights, so they want to be sure I can handle 5. Thanks again ❤

Neuro + Ortho trauma...we have a lot of lami, crani, and stroke patients, but mixed in there are some traumatic hip fracture patients too, bc we staff the straight ortho unit occasionally.

So, I had a meeting with my Unit Based Educator and Manager as a follow up to my meeting the other day with the UBE/it was supposed to be my last mtg bf end of orientation. I told them that while I felt ready on days, I did not on nights. That I am disorganized, and have no routine, and haven't been assigned 5 pts yet on nights. That was definitely, clearly, Absolutely ? % NOT what they wanted me to say, and I had a very hard time saying it as such. I was rebuffed. Basically told that since I am doing so well on days, nights should be just the same... and why isn't it?? I told them I wished I knew, but I suspected rotating shifts and only having worked 2 weeks of nights, intermittently, was likely at least partly the issue. Their solution is to put me on 1 extra orientation night shift with a different preceptor (for a total of 3 shifts next week) and reevaluate after this. But they clearly intend to put me out on my own following next week regardlessof what I say. I feel...disgruntled, and stupid for feeling disgruntled and somewhat surprised by their reaction. Obviously I am putting a monkey in the scheduling wrench. But saying I feel ready when I don't think I am would be wrong, so there's that. Not sure how I'm feeling about my floor after all this drama and discombobulation. Maybe a bit sad that I picked the wrong floor. If anyone has any organization tips, or even feels like giving me a snapshot of what your routine is on nights, I would really appreciate it.

So just an update. The thing today turned out to be basically nothing. The UBE followed me around (on a day shift) for like 2 hours, said I was doing well. I did speak with her this afternoon and voice my concern that I wasn't doing as well on nights, and would like more opportunity to work nights. I told her I thought rotating shifts was really messing with my brain, but she is insistent that I continue on this course. I have 2 wks orientation left, well, 5 shifts (only 2 are nights). Then on my own with rotating shifts until mid June. I don't think there is much else I can do. I'll just have to suck it up for 14 more weeks. Hopefully by the time I switch to straight nights I'll be feeling more comfortable as a new nurse, and it won't feel like this. Thanks all. Side note that is slightly irritating to me, on my very 1st shift with my night preceptor she decided not to put in a Foley on someone, and then apparently said I decided? That came up today. I just said, oh, we ran out of time.

It's funny how perspective changes depending on the side of the cliff you are looking at things from. I have worked in mental health as a direct care worker for many years, and my husband is a restaurant manager. We live in Maine, and the payscale here is probably lower than some other states (because its so cold no one wants to live here full time LOL). I was, and am, so so excited to be going from earning roughly 15$ an hour to earning $27/hr + shift differentials. My annual base salary is going to be about 50k, which is more than my husband makes at his job of 40 years. I have a plan all written out for how I'm going to pay off the 10k in medical bills I owe within 3 years, and use my night shift bonus to save for a down-payment on a house, which will hopefully not be any more than 250k MAX. I've already bought and lost 1 home, I don't intend to make that journey twice. This time I'm going to save enough to have 6 months in mortgage payments backed up just in case bf I buy my home. I finally am catching up on back rent and bills I owe, and damn that feels good. Point being, while being a nurse may not make me rich, I feel pretty excited right now to be earning a living wage, and being able to buy groceries AND my prescriptions, And pay rent, without having to choose one over the other bc there just wasn't enough for all. And a house isn't a status symbol. It's the place you go to to feel calm, and comforted, and like you can breath again after a long stressful day. It's a Home with a capital H. For me, my husband is my Home, wherever he is, wherever we are together, that's where I want to be. When we lost our home and were facing the real possibility of having to hang in our car for a bit, we had to make peace with what was important to us about where we lived, how we lived. It wasn't an easy peace to come by, because we felt like failures, and we raged and fought against reality for a good long expensive while before we got there. I say this with only kindness as my intent, SilverBells. Please try to take a step back, and think about what is important to you. Is a status symbol that you can't really afford the be-all end-all? Will a 450k house make you happy?

So the gist I am getting from you and others is that there isn't necessarily something wrong with me that I'm having a hard time getting my feet under me at night? Because I'm sure feeling pretty stupid right now. I'm generally a pretty confident person who picks things up quickly, but I feel like a fish out of water at night right now, and I feel stupid because I can't seem to adjust. My brain is a cluster **** at night right now. The other night I couldn't figure out which way the freaking BEDPAN went under the patient. I've been a CNA for 3 years! I turned that sucker around like 5 times while the patient was on their side bc I could not for the life of me figure it out ?‍♀️?. Thats not normal, LOL. I feel like rotating is melting my brain, or perhaps causing it to leak out of my ears! And I wish it would just stay where it belongs between them. I'm running the conversation I could have with my UBE around in my head like a hamster on a speedy wheel, and I need to be calm, not crackhead-like, tomorrow so they don't think I'm a horrible investment. Anyway, guess I'm just venting at this point. Thank you all for your advice.

I'm actually off orientation (unless they extend mine) in 2 weeks. Then I have 12 additional weeks where I am on my own, but still rotating btwn days and nights (More days than nights). Mid June I'm finally switching to straight nights, which is the shift I was hired for.

Rotating until mid June.