Personal Statement round 2

I'm not sure what the personal statement is for, but yours was certainly interesting. Good luck with your future!

"Being the only male in my class made me desire to be the best draw"

Delete that comment. It begs the interviewer to ask: "Does being male cause you to feel that you must be 'the best' at everything?"

Plus, gender has nothing whatsoever to do with your application.

MUCH better than your last one. I now have a picture of who you are.

I agree with the PP regarding being male in phleb. class. No other comments on 1st and 2nd paragraphs.

3rd and 4th paragraphs, I would leave out the dishwashing bit. It seems irrelevant and it confuses me a bit. You applied to be a UC, you did some dishes, you got hired as a UC - just cut to the chase: You got a job as a UC and there you did something interesting: skip to the part where YOU did something (hold for suicidal pt). The bit about EVERY nurse you've ever met telling you to run the other way is off-putting. I KNOW you've met inspirational nurses (the charge nurse in your previous narrative). You might want to give one or two sentences to how your UC position made you WANT to be a nurse.

Last paragraph: the 1st two sentences are good. The next sound like you're looking to get hired for a job. I think you would be better suited to end with a strong affirmation that you are a GREAT candidate for the nursing program because you love nursing (not medicine, not needles, etc.)

Again, this is substantially improved over your previous work. Keep it up! :)

Thanks to all of you who have left a comment. I just try to type as fast as possible and don't consider offending the reader. That's the price of just trying to get it out of my head. Thanks again for the support and all of the feedback! I'll make a few revisions but that's pretty much it. I hope things go well for all of you with your endeavors.

"Then reality set in when I learned that not every patient wants as much interaction as I did. After all, I was there to stick you with a needle and take your blood."

I would change the second sentence here. You are speaking about patients in the third person and then switch to the second person which makes it an awkward read. "I was there to stick them with a needle and take their blood."

Here's the final draft if you care to read.

"Phlebotomy was my first step towards nursing. I saw the occupation as sensible, practical, a good foot in the door. I was nervous, but only missed one stick during the class. Clinicals were exciting for me as I wanted to have as much patient interaction as possible. Then reality set in when I learned that not every patient wants as much interaction as I did. After all, I was there to stick them with a needle and take their blood.

Having recently returned from study abroad I was eager to use my Spanish speaking skills. One morning during clinicals a woman came in to have blood drawn; Spanish speaking only. It was easy to see that she was terrified: one word answers, little movement, wide eyes. She was not my draw, but I was the only translator and she needed some calming down so I showed her some pictures of Spain and explained where I visited. Before long, the phlebotomist was finished and the woman was thanking me for the pictures and the stories. That was when I knew I had made the right choice.

I was never hired as a phlebotomist. I had passed my class and had received high praise during clinicals. "Experience only, at least one year" is what all the ads said. Three months later a friend mentioned applying as a Unit Coordinator for the hospital. I never liked sitting around not doing anything. One month after I submitted the application, I accepted a position in the Medical Intensive Care Unit as a Unit Coordinator.

To this day I have not met a nurse who hasn't told me to run the other direction when I mentioned applying to nursing school. Necrotizing Fasciitis, c-diff, the morbidly obese... none of the stool samples or smells or irate family members during the tenure of my employment has changed my mind. One night, I assisted in obtaining the judge and local authorities in order to detain a suicidal patient. She was smiling when she woke up in the ICU and perceivably thought the entire matter was a joke. As frustrated as the nursing staff and I were, we still fought to keep the patient from leaving against medical advice. Three hours of legal talk and paging people later and she finally decided to stay.

Understaffed and over-worked, it is amazing to see how the hospital staff comes together. Frequently, I have had to do my part in obtaining equipment because we are short-handed, assist with moving a patient because other nurses are occupied or simply helping a family member find the parking the lot. Nursing isn’t about the technology, the money or the social status. Nursing is about being there for the patient and doing the right thing even when the situation opposes those beliefs and that is why I am a great candidate for nursing."

ps- I'm sending this via NursingCAS. Where does my name go?