heading for a collision?

[mtnmom]

I am so sorry to go off here but there is no one else I can talk to. I just lost my job (reference prior thread if you need to) and am looking for work. Got a call this morning from an interview yesterday, they are not interested in me b/c of my recent job changes - want me to go somewhere for a year and then come back to them (I need a job now)

Had what was actually a pretty good shift last night agency, but on the way home (about 50 min drive, rural) I almost nodded more than once and ran into oncoming traffic. A couple of times I found myself wondering "what if I had not woke up,,,,maybe this would be an easy way out...

I am so depressed and discouraged, I am afraid that it might lead to something stupid and impulsive (and final). I have been on antidepressant meds before but stopped b/c could not afford them. Tried my county's local mental health office and they tell me that all I can do with them is talk to a counselor, that it will be at least 2 months to get on meds b/c takes that long to see a dr. I have nowhere else to go. The office that previously provided me the meds will not see me again unless I make arrangements to pay an outstanding balance....how can I do that without a job.

My kids are the only thing keeping me going right now. I am trying to stay positive but doors keep closing in my face. And the oncoming traffic keeps coming.

[Antikigirl, ASN, RN]

Does your agency have anything closer to where you live? I suffer from the same thing...I live rural, and it is a long drive home to the nearest facility. I drink lots of coffee, and if I am tired I roll the windows down..but sometimes that just isn't enough. SO in those cases, and I don't care if I am a mile from home...I pull over and get my bearings (I have a cel so I can call my home, even if you just get a prepaid cel...worth it in these cases!). I have actually had to sleep in my car 2 miles from home because I would zone into sleep!!!!!! Best to pull over!

And yes, I have thought like you too...but never ever acted on it! I am to into seeing how things go, even the bad stuff! My hubby and family will not survive without my help, and thinking of myself as part of the 'team' really helps! Also...heard this little gem...

When you are feeling depressed, stop for a moment. Close your eyes and visualize what is making you mad. Take a moment to really see it, and get angry at it! Then stop...take a deep breath...then visualize your child or your husband saying "I love you!"...really visualize it and how good that feels! Sometimes taking the time to see the things that are permenent and special in your life like I love you by your loved ones is all we need to keep going on, despite all the crud clouding it!!!!

Keep with the agency till you get a perm job, then my suggestion is to get that insurance so you can get some help with depression. I got a few used books on depression when I was in your situation, and those really helped me to figure out how I tortured myself with stress almost hourly! And found ways to stop from doing that...and I couldn't believe what a drastic change that made..and how I really could control it. I was shocked to see what I was doing to myself...I mean ME! Quite an eye opener!!!!!! (look at books carefully, many are too medical and drawn out...I found a user friendly one that didn't put you into diagnosic groups with all these technical care plans and tasks...

My hubby also got me a book called the "rainy day book" just some cute pics of animals and nice sayings..and I will tell you..when I got sad, I opened that book and discussed how I was feeling with hubby...and it was great! My mother in law has the book now, she is suffering from severe illness, and it even lightens her spirits!!!! (hey, we have our health don't we??? That is a good thing!).

Good luck hon, I am sending good thoughts your way...feel free to pm me if you need someone to chat with :).

Huggles,

TriageRN_34

[MIA-RN1, RN]

go to a church and speak to the minister.

go to any health clinic and speak to a doctor or nurse.

you are worrying me with some of the comments you've made and I really want you to speak to someone.

Do you have a pcp? Call them. IF you don't, then call the last one you had.

Do you have a lifeline or suicide helpline? Call it. HEck, call poison control, AA, anything. They all will point you to somewhere that can help you.

please.

[live4today, RN]

(((((((mtnmom))))))) Go to your nearest hospital's emergency room, and share with the doctor and nurse who sees you exactly what you shared here with us -- especially the part about you thinking of hurting yourself or worse. Please do this NOW! Okay? I'm praying for you as I totally relate to your situation with not having health insurance, a job, money, and so forth. If it weren't for my three dd's, I'd be homeless...literally. I'm sure your family loves you, and does not want to lose you to something that is a "temporary situation" in your life. Start with the ER, okay? They will guide you to some helpful resources. You are always allowed to check yourself into a hospital for treatment if you feel that you may harm yourself and/or anyone else, so please do so now. :kiss

[weetziebat]

go to a church and speak to the minister.

go to any health clinic and speak to a doctor or nurse.

you are worrying me with some of the comments you've made and I really want you to speak to someone.

Do you have a pcp? Call them. IF you don't, then call the last one you had.

Do you have a lifeline or suicide helpline? Call it. HEck, call poison control, AA, anything. They all will point you to somewhere that can help you.

please.

Mtnmom, I can feel your frustration and panic through your words, and I agree with above poster that they scare me. You need to call someone - is there a RN call line connected to your local hospital, even going into the ER - somewhere you can be directed to get some help.

I've also lived in a really rural area and driving home after work was impossible - windows rolled down, rain pouring in, radio blasting, slapping my legs and pinching my face, nothing kept me from nodding off. You need to pull off the side of the road, but that can also be scary in a rural area.

Have you looked into unemployment? Welfare, food stamps? Anything that will help you stay afloat till you can find a job closer to home. Please let us know how you are doing! Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[mtnmom]

I am so sorry that I scared everyone. I assure you that I am not going to do anything stupid. they were just fleeting thoughts.

right now my 2 beautiful girls, my best friend and a couple of family members are making me want to hang on for them.

I just need a break from somewhere...I have prayed, I have cried and it is all in vain. I dont know any of you personally but you are an outlet.

I just need a job and I need for someone (an employer) to take the time to understand me, what I am capable of and what I need. I need a supportive spouse. I need money to pay my debts and get back on my meds.

I want more than anything to finish my FNP program so I can fulfill my potential but keep getting roadblocks thrown in my face, not the least of which is being able to find an employer that will work with me.

Now it would seem that out of all of those the job is the place to start. I cant do anything about my husband's attitudes.

At least I have some income coming in from the agency work.

Sorry for the alarm. Yes, I would like nothing better than to check into somewhere and hide from all of this for awhile...but then that would leave me with worse financial problems, an even more negative husband and then who would want to hire me right after a breakdown?

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. Take care and best wishes.

[Katnip, RN]

I am so sorry that I scared everyone. I assure you that I am not going to do anything stupid. they were just fleeting thoughts.

right now my 2 beautiful girls, my best friend and a couple of family members are making me want to hang on for them.

I just need a break from somewhere...I have prayed, I have cried and it is all in vain. I dont know any of you personally but you are an outlet.

I just need a job and I need for someone (an employer) to take the time to understand me, what I am capable of and what I need. I need a supportive spouse. I need money to pay my debts and get back on my meds.

I want more than anything to finish my FNP program so I can fulfill my potential but keep getting roadblocks thrown in my face, not the least of which is being able to find an employer that will work with me.

Now it would seem that out of all of those the job is the place to start. I cant do anything about my husband's attitudes.

At least I have some income coming in from the agency work.

Sorry for the alarm. Yes, I would like nothing better than to check into somewhere and hide from all of this for awhile...but then that would leave me with worse financial problems, an even more negative husband and then who would want to hire me right after a breakdown?

Don't you think it would be better to get help before you have the breakdown? I'm with Cheer. Go to the ER.

I know you need a job, but the stress of working fulltime doesn't sound like it's going to help you much.

Take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of anyone or anything else.

Good luck to you.

[bopps]

How about some sleep? Sometimes that can take the edge of the daily grind off. And maybe get a hold of a good counseler? Praying for you, Things will get better.

[Nurse Ratched, RN]

I'm going to close this thread with a gentle suggestion to the OP that nothing else can supercede your need to seek treatment immediately. Finances can be rebuilt. If one of your daughters came to you expressing these concerns, what would you do? Are you worth any less than your children?