Friday March 21st 2025

Morning, though not necessarily a good one.... I was awakened 3X last night by Momo barking because Nannie was climbing the stairs again. ? Soooooo, I didn't sleep very well and my mood is not really doing the happy dance this morning.

Anyway, I gave Nannie her breakfast tray and came back up to my room to drink my coffee to soothe the Savage Beast in me, and wake up a little more. In a few minutes I will get up and get dressed, because what choice do I have?

Nannie asked me ,"Why are you so mad?" Huh. Being repeatedly awakened from sleep, and a couple of times having difficulty going back to sleep, yes, it has made me short-tempered and quite cranky. And I know she has an "easy out" because of her dx of dementia, but I am not a saint;  I am a human being who is exhausted. Both SiL and BiL are working, so there is no help from them; if I called either of them to grouse, they would just say the same thing Nannie said, "Well, I'm sorry." Yeh, I'm pretty sorry myself, FOR myself.

NOW, Nannie is sound asleep in the recliner and I know I won't do this, but I have the urge to repeatedly wake her up. It wouldn't be at all satisfying because she wouldn't understand, and it wouldn't be a very nice thing to do anyway. So I just have to be a big girl, and get through this day AND tomorrow, and tomorrow night, on my own. Can't go out and take a walk, can't disappear for even a little while. I have slowed down a tad, inside, but I am still out of sorts. 

GRUNT-SQUAWK-GRUMBLE-GROWL-PPFFFTT! ?

Stars, Chatty CG does seem rather unreliable. I guess you have to weigh whether the freedom you do get for an afternoon is worth the aggravation of not knowing week-to-week whether she will show. At least the new daycare schedule starts next week!

It has been a day or so of patient complaints (my favorite). I get equally irritated with the patients and with the staff who just can't seem to be nice to people. Or, to be more fair, I am about equally empathetic with some patients and with some staff in some situations. 

Joe, I hope you have a pleasant trip and visit. 

I made chicken parm from an emeals recipe last night. Not bad. Used whole-wheat spaghetti since that's what the recipe said. Sauce was sauteed garlic with canned crushed tomatoes and fresh basil. Twin B was disappointed with the selection, says he doesn't like the combination of chicken with marinara, that he was hoping for something creamy (like alfredo). Well, we do that often enough, and variety is, as they say, the spice of life. AND he is welcome to plan, shop for, and prepare meals any time. 

Actually, Twins A and B did shop yesterday for a meal they're planning to make that sounds pretty exotic -- something they learned about from their video game. So ... we'll see ?

I, too, have many projects and chores but have not made a start at them. Hubs managed to empty one of the storage units we've been paying too much for! 

I get occasional emails from a job-referral type thing. Today it included one for the VA in OKC. Pays well. Great federal benefits. But who in their right mind would want to start a job at the VA in today's political environment?

Hi. I'm feeling a little out of sorts. I'm getting a little anxious about getting ready for trip (we fly out Monday night to Brussels, with a layover at Heathrow). Dh is getting anxious, too, but he gets almost whiny and helpless. He has flown a bazillion times, and for several years, we have used our phones instead of paper tickets.

Today he asks where is my ticket? (Me) Did you check your phone?, (DH)Well, no, oh, there it is. (DH)Heathrow is shut down, what will we do? (Me)It's supposed to reopen tonight, and we don't leave until Monday night. What am I supposed to do?! (DH)What are we doing about money?(Me) I thought we had discussed this, but apparently we need to discuss it and beat it to death. I'll get some cash for myself on Monday, and use my card. He has a pension check he said he would cash 2 weeks ago, but hasn't, yet. And he will use his card(s).

I wish I could look forward to this, but I am stressed. 

MiL is feeling better, has a little more endurance. Dh was asking last week, what if she dies while we're gone? (Me) Um, we fly back or we finish our trip THAT I"VE BEEN WAITING FOR AND IS ALL PAID FOR! I did get travel insurance, but I'm not bringing that up for now. 

Maybe I'm weird, but I wake up every night 3-4 times, and have gotten used to going back to sleep. It helps that I don't have to go to work and focus on anything. I hope the in-laws are not paying chatty CG for not being there when scheduled. 

It's raining, blah. 

Oh, he's back, now wants to discuss plane seats. Arrgh. 

Chatty CG is pretty much "in charge" of her whole family....doc appts., emergency room visits with parents, babysitting her grands, etc. I get why she calls in....it's like w/ SiL....doing too much for too many. But she only gets paid by the visit....ie, BiL comes over with a check for her toward the end of her shift.

Nanny slept a few hours in her chair and woke up c/o neck pain. Wish I could find that neck-support pillow I got for her. it is nowhere that I can find....it's either been hidden or thrown out, or whatever. Anyway, I asked her if she'd like some OTC pain med for it and she said yes. I told her that the Ex Str (rapid-release) Tylenol dose was for two capsules, which she would be taking one at a time. Also the capsules can't be crushed. (I tried once, and the med in the capsule is rock-solid) So, anyway, it took several minutes, much coaxing and instructing, a cup of pudding, and a full glass of water. I said, "Don't CHEW it, just take a mouthful of water, and before you swallow, swish the water around and then tilt your head (we tried both forward tilts and backwards neck-tilts. FINALLY after lots more of the useless "Don't chew it!" reminders, and time and MANY attempts, she got each one down. Now she is fussing by making little noises in her throat and grabbing at and massaging the back of her neck. I had to tell her the meds take at least 20 minutes to start getting into the blood stream. SiL says Tylenol makes her sleepy. Let us pray. I have tried cool packs and warm packs and neither suits her, she takes them off pretty quickly!

If she doesn't cool her jets pretty soon, I will have to go get 1/2 Xanax for myself, in order to stay off the ceiling. She is now frowning and fussing with her sleeves like she does ALL THE TIME. OY!

I used to have empathy. Once upon a time.

No Stars In My Eyes said:

I used to have empathy. Once upon a time

Burnout uses all of our empathy.  You are currently in need of a dependable resource for replenishing yours.  As you have identified, time is part of that recipe. 

Part of it is your ability to manage your feelings about being an unpaid caregiver for someone who is not a blood relative.  Everyone has an excuse for not providing her care except you. I think that creates emotional conflict for you.  

Good evening.  

Hope everyone had a great day.

Stars you definitely are a burned out caretaker like TMB says, but you wouldn't care for her if you didn't have empathy.  You never lost it.  She's annoying and irritating.  Your lot in life sucks.  In all these years even before you moved there I've never heard you say you liked her or say kind things about the person she once was.  It's natural you'd feel frustrated being her caretaker after being widowed.  

I irritate myself these days.