First code

Does your school have a counselor or someone similar who might be able to talk about this with you? It is not easy seeing someone die, and I can't even imagine having a PEDs patient as your first one.

The first code is always difficult, and every PEDs code I'm involved in is excruciating.

I also work for a local ambulance as a paramedic part-time and every summer or two there is a PEDs drowning. The last one was an approximately 2 year old little girl and everyone that was there had a daughter about that age. Grown men in their 20s and 30s visibly upset, crying, and hitting things.

No one will think that you're less of a nurse for caring about people who die. The secret of the care of the patient is in caring for the patient.

Talk to fellow nurses, fellow students. These people understand you. They are you. You're in the big nursing/medicine family now.

Every pediatric full arrest I run out of the hospital or that I am a part of in the hospital affects everyone that day. Every time during a PEDs code I say to myself, "Don't look at the face, don't look at the face...crap I looked at the face."

I always talk to people afterwards about how I felt, not what was done or anything medical immediately after. I always try to do post mortem care on the patient as a catharsis. I play chess. I ride my bicycle. And people with kids that age always wake them up in the middle of the night and hold them.

I work part time at the local hospital so I didn't see it during clinicals. We haven't even started clinicals yet. I've talked to a few coworkers who have been extremely helpful

I've been extremely lucky to work with people who have been involved in medicine 20+ years, 30+ years and they all seem to have different coping mechanisms.

After my first pediatric code I was told that the first one is always bad and the next one will be just as bad. This has held up as true for me.

I've known people that afterwards have said, "I don't want to do this anymore." I have never thought less of them for it.

If I didn't feel bad after a pediatric code then it would be time for me to find a new career because I would be less of a caretaker and less a patient advocate because of it.

You will get some good advice after this, but the best help may come from people who just listen. You will find your own reason for continuing with your calling. Personally, I feel as if I wasn't the one doing what I do then who would do it better than me, with more compassion than me, with more knowledge and heart than me? I couldn't ask someone else to do these things.

When you come through this try to remember that maybe it wasn't you who picked nursing as a career, but that it was nursing that picked you. The longer I've been in medicine the truer that feels.

Not sure if you are religious, spiritual, and/or anything else. On my first code that I ever attended and did compression (not during clinicals, during one of my shifts at work), patient ended up not making it. I was the last one doing compressions when the doctor called it. Didn't know what to think when I got down to my department. My mind went blank, just stared the wall for quite a bit, said a prayer and moved on.

I cannot imagine myself being there when a peds patient dies, however, that prayer helped me move on. I think when you work in the hospital long enough, you kind of get used to it and move on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there are no feelings. We will all shed a tear, but remembering the past and moving on is the best we can do.

Ask if your employer has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) available for employees. It would be helpful if you could speak with a professional that can help you work through this. Best wishes.

((((Hugs)))). Find someone to talk to, professional or religious leader if you have one. I've never dealt with a peds death fortunately, but I have used our EAP for a traumatic code I couldnt shake off. It was very helpful.