Fed up!!

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All these monitoring programs feel like rabbit hole to me. It’s impossible to get a break. Even when you are extra cautious, compliant it’s like walking on egg shells every single second.
Fear of slightest mistake or any error is punishable over and over again. No chance to prove your innocence even with evidence based researches and documented articles. It’s like I am living in a twilight zone.
Besides, financial stress of not being a licensed clinician has anyone thought of quitting for good? Personally mental, emotional and physical stress is clamping me down more then any financial stress. And, I have been out of work since 9 months now due to repeating 90/90 for couple missed checking. Finally, after 9 months and one year of sobriety BON was in process of activating my license when my Pteh came positive for alcohol at 35ng/ml. My Pteh a week before this is negative. Urine abnormal day before the positive PTeh. ETG/ETS negative in urine. Due, to Covid I did increase my hand washing with hand sanitizer substantially.
No amount of debate, research was accepted for “incidental exposure.” So, back in 90/90, no work and therapy.
My stress level has reached its maximum capacity. I rather just sell everything and go live in woods with peace and serenity. This is not a recovery program. It feels like I was more normal and stable before entering this program. I just don’t know what to do. Throwing in the towel is something I am considering :(((

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Don’t blame you for wanting to throw in the towel.

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Yeah these programs do more harm then good. I’m not at all sure that I could do this again and do not blame you for considering taking your life in a different direction.

Your post brings up an interesting question. Who is better off the functioning nurse who “abuses” alcohol (I’m not even sure I know what that means anymore) or the nurse with forced sobriety in one of these clown shows. Please note when I say functional nurse I don’t mean one impaired at work

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https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S235200781930099X

Here’s another article regarding us using hand sanitizers!

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3 hours ago, SpankedInPittsburgh said:

Yeah these programs do more harm then good. I’m not at all sure that I could do this again and do not blame you for considering taking your life in a different direction.

Your post brings up an interesting question. Who is better off the functioning nurse who “abuses” alcohol (I’m not even sure I know what that means anymore) or the nurse with forced sobriety in one of these clown shows. Please note when I say functional nurse I don’t mean one impaired at work

Yes I understand that. No worries. Good luck with your journey. So, happy for you:)

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5 hours ago, Siciliyisbest said:

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S235200781930099X

Here’s another article regarding us using hand sanitizers!

That article is not a scientific study does not in anyway support frequent hand sanitizer use resulting in positive PETH tests. It is results of PETH tests from 3 people in whom PETH levels were obtained by fingerprick for dried blood spot testing. At best it shows if you use alcohol sanitizers as preparation prior to a fingerprick (who knows if the let it dry as no methods detailed) PETH test level can faslely elevate further from a baseline elevated level. The brief article is suspicious as it provides the PETH levels of the 2 drinkers after soap and water which would be their baseline PETH and which are both appropriately elevated and then higher PETH values after alcohol containing hand sanitizer preparation prior to blood spot testing. But in their "declared teetotaler" they don't provide a soap and water PETH which should be negative , they instead provide 2 elevated PETH blood spot levels after 2 types of alcohol hand sanitizer. Very misleading!

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Specializes in Emergency.

To the OP

They are rabbit holes, you are in the twilight zone, and unfortunately you’re caught up in a money making machine regardless of COVID-19, regardless of reality/ logic/any semblance of “helping”… Unfortunately the decisions that you are now faced with are true and valid...I always suggest that people read the DODIS book concerning the fallacy/BS of the 12 step Mumbo jumbo
And what you say concerning selling it all and going to live out in the woods/in isolation is probably not the worst idea I’ve ever heard concerning the current insanity surrounding the COVID-19 scenario… I just finished four years of a program that sucked my bank account and had me living on eggshells every minute of every day… All I can say is that I luckily finished the “program” almost days before this outbreak hit the region that I live in...I feel your pain… You can and will prevail over the insanity… Remember you are literally dealing with a machine that treats you only like a number and only for a way to make money

Treat the machine with respect if you must so you can survive it

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Specializes in OR.
On 4/11/2020 at 6:48 AM, malamud69 said:

To the OP

They are rabbit holes, you are in the twilight zone, and unfortunately you’re caught up in a money making machine regardless of COVID-19, regardless of reality/ logic/any semblance of “helping”… Unfortunately the decisions that you are now faced with are true and valid...I always suggest that people read the DODIS book concerning the fallacy/BS of the 12 step Mumbo jumbo
And what you say concerning selling it all and going to live out in the woods/in isolation is probably not the worst idea I’ve ever heard concerning the current insanity surrounding the COVID-19 scenario… I just finished four years of a program that sucked my bank account and had me living on eggshells every minute of every day… All I can say is that I luckily finished the “program” almost days before this outbreak hit the region that I live in...I feel your pain… You can and will prevail over the insanity… Remember you are literally dealing with a machine that treats you only like a number and only for a way to make money

Treat the machine with respect if you must so you can survive it

Sadly this is the truth. These programs care NOTHING about your sobriety, your mental health or if you ever work in healthcare again. It Is about money and only money and mostly a bunch of people with zero ethics and no problem telling lies to us and to themselves to justify their the pitiful existence of their programs. I am sure at one time, these things were a noble thought and I am sure that many people have benefited from them but the monsters of profit making that they’ve become, at the expense of our colleagues in need of help is truly disgusting.

I just don’t know what the answer is. Whatever it is, it’s not a fast or easy one.

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I'm sorry you have to go through this hell. I have been free for over 2 years and went through, more than once, what you are going through.

DO NOT use alcohol based hand sanitizer or put ANYTHING into your body unless you know exactly what you are consuming. I speak from experience my friend. I brought my alcohol free sanitizer to work and everyone loved and used it cuz it didn't destroy their skin and then it kept disappearing so I got complacent and used the real stuff. Then came the Recovery Trek results followed by the phone call. They agreed it could have been an incidental exposure and only threatened me.

Fast forward 15 months and I used a athletic supplement from GNC called DHEA that came in liquid form with a dropper for under the tongue. I did not know it had alcohol in it as a preservative (took me months and a discussion with a toxicologist to figure that out). Then came the Recovery Trek results followed by the phone call that I was reported to the Board. Incidental exposure could not possibly happen twice they barked!

I went through hell and back and back to hell with the Board but I survived the exorcism they put me through.

Your guilty no matter what and you can't win. You just learn how to play the game until it's over and it IS A GAME.

Good luck and may the best woman/man win...

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