coping with sadness

jdhenson · Jun 2, 2013

I frequently have to remind myself that in order for us to truly be able to accept good things in life, that we have to experience the bad and the negative. We would never know what a good day was if we never had a bad one.

However, is it possible you could be experiencing burnout? Nursing is a physically, mentally, and emotionally draining profession as much as it is rewarding. Be sure to take time for yourself to do things you enjoy. Take a day trip. Spend time with friends and family, relax and get work off your mind for a while. But if your feelings persist, talk to your doctor. And take some time to remember how much good you do as a nurse and how many lives you've positively impacted. This sounds like it was traumatic and would be difficult for any of us to cope with. Best wishes to you.

Penelope_Pitstop, BSN, RN · Jun 2, 2013

I don't think this is an alarming reaction. It's quite possible that this is catharsis related to all of the sad outcomes. What I mean by that is sometimes something awful happens and all of your emotions about the past outcomes pour out along with your sadness about this particular patient.

Have you discussed this with any of your nursing friends, or anyone else who cared for the patient? Others may be experiencing the same thing or may have in the past.

I've been a nurse for seven years and I usually am relieved when a patient passes. This is because 9 times out of 10, it's been after a rich, full life, and by the end, the patient was a shell of him or herself. However, last week I was involved in a horrendous code. It was unexpected entirely. The patient went from alert and oriented to asystole in less than five minutes. I went home that day and was an absolute mess. I couldn't get it out of my head. What helped me, though, was speaking with the patient's family who came to the hospital after he was pronounced. It was sad but at the same time they informed me that he had been sick for a while and were happy that he died without pain and in my company.

Without getting too into detail, would you like to share a little about your patient? Sometimes that helps and may be we can pinpoint the source of this outpouring of sadness.

You came to the right place.

*Hugs*

fancysocks · Jun 2, 2013

I too, 99% of the time feel relief and am glad when patients pass because I know they are no longer suffering. I had been this patients nurse for 3 nights and had spent a lot of time talking with them. they told me alot about their family, I just really enjoyed caring for them. It was just that this happened so suddenly, and so rapidly. They were alert and oriented and suddenly this happened. I obviously can't give out details but it was the worst way I have ever seen a patient go. I guess it just feels so much sadder because they were doing well and ready to go home and there was no warning, no last moments with loved ones. It just seemed a cruel way to go. thanks for the comments, it does help to hear from other nurses.

julz68 · Jun 2, 2013

At my workplace, when something like that happens, we are offered a debriefing conference afterwards. Usually when it's an unexpected outcome like you described.

Like the PP said, you came to the right place. It's important to share your thoughts and feelings with those that truly understand where you're coming from.

When that happens to me, I take advantage of the debriefing and/or talk with coworkers who helped take care of the patient. Then, I come home and love on my family. :)

(((((Hugs)))))

fancysocks · Jun 2, 2013

As much as I love my job, and I really do, I have never in my several years there seen a debriefing. There does seem to be a culture of being tough and un-emotional amongst the nurses. I am pretty tough but if a situation like this didn't bother me I might worry about myself! The nurses involved responded to my call for a rapid response and therefore are not my usual coworkers (from other units). They are not touchy-feely nurses and I know they wont want to discuss it. If this lasts I can take advantage of free counseling outside of my place of work, just hoping to find some other healthy ways to let sad things at work go when I come home. I can see my husband looking at me and wishing he could help, I just feel bad that it is now affecting him as well. Mostly just in the off position of feeling like my life is charmed and full of blessings yet at the same time feeling life in general is cruel and almost pointless. (I really know it isn't but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the sadness at the moment)

darlink · Jun 2, 2013

Call your local hospice and ask about their bereavement services. Nothing wrong with talking to professionals that understand loss and grief. As a hospice nurse we always make sure staff are aware that they can use our services.

Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN · Jun 2, 2013

As much as I love my job, and I really do, I have never in my several years there seen a debriefing. There does seem to be a culture of being tough and un-emotional amongst the nurses. I am pretty tough but if a situation like this didn't bother me I might worry about myself! The nurses involved responded to my call for a rapid response and therefore are not my usual coworkers (from other units). They are not touchy-feely nurses and I know they wont want to discuss it. If this lasts I can take advantage of free counseling outside of my place of work, just hoping to find some other healthy ways to let sad things at work go when I come home. I can see my husband looking at me and wishing he could help, I just feel bad that it is now affecting him as well. Mostly just in the off position of feeling like my life is charmed and full of blessings yet at the same time feeling life in general is cruel and almost pointless. (I really know it isn't but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the sadness at the moment)

IN life there are no guarantees.....and I think that is what upsets us so when it really hits home that everyday could be your last....and you are powerless to change it. As control freaks....nurses do not like not being in control. It is also difficult to really face for the first time your own vulnerability and mortality.

You are grieving.....and that's ok. Be sad, cry.....then you need to put it away and find the things that were positive.....that you care your best for this patient. That they were comfortable and cared for while they were your patient...that you made them feel better.

See this is where my spirituality....and not necessarily religion...come into play. NUrsing made me realize how little control over things we have.....that when your number is up...it's up. We don't really "save people"....we care for them. We have a gift that makes us the best at what we do....but we have no real control on outcomes.

There is a bigger plan...what that is? I have my personal ideas....but there is a plan and I am here to always do my best and not be so bold as to assume I have actual control on the outcomes. For if I did.....children wouldn't die of cancer....they would not be abused...my BIL would have been cured of his cancer and I would still have my Dad with me.

For me there are reasons...and they are not for me to question.....now to my belief God has a plan and I am not privy to his plan nor can I question HIS judgement...however....when I get to the pearly gates I am requesting an open table discussion about certain outcomes and decisions.. HE made....

SO every day...I don't go to bed angry....I never leave the house or go to sleep without saying I love you. I appreciate every moment even the bad ones because then I know I'm here. I hug my children at every opportunity....I don't say things I can't take back......I appreciate every day.....and when I feel bad I indulge..... then I hug my kids....kiss my husband...enjoy my Friends....and hope tomorrow is another day.

((HUGS)).....if this continues to bother you then I would talk to someone....or just go see your PCP. I am sorry for your loss....((HUGS))

Billy_Ruben · Jun 2, 2013

I too, 99% of the time feel relief and am glad when patients pass because I know they are no longer suffering. I had been this patients nurse for 3 nights and had spent a lot of time talking with them. they told me alot about their family, I just really enjoyed caring for them. It was just that this happened so suddenly, and so rapidly. They were alert and oriented and suddenly this happened. I obviously can't give out details but it was the worst way I have ever seen a patient go. I guess it just feels so much sadder because they were doing well and ready to go home and there was no warning, no last moments with loved ones. It just seemed a cruel way to go. thanks for the comments, it does help to hear from other nurses.

I recently had the same sort of experience. Had been this patients nurse for three nights and he went form joking and kidding with me and asking to sit in his chair on the 3rd morning, to eyes fixed and admitted with hospice not expected to make it through the night on my fourth night with them. The family and I had gotten close and I just really loved this patient. When I came back for that fourth night I was told in report about this patient's decline. I found myself welling up with tears and just so saddened. I kept thinking how could this happen so fast. And then thinking, did I miss something?

I've had one night off and am back tonight. Don't know if he'll still be there. He's under hospice care but still staying with us. I found myself just really bummed and thinking about him all last night during my time off.

I'm a new nurse and haven't had one pass yet but I've seen people decline and have had others that weren't expected to make it through the night and I wasn't affected in this manner.

I guess sometimes it's just what happens.

julz68 · Jun 2, 2013

Esme12: You are a very wise and wonderful person. I want to be like you when I grow up :)

IN life there are no guarantees.....and I think that is what upsets us so when it really hits home that everyday could be your last....and you are powerless to change it. As control freaks....nurses do not like not being in control. It is also difficult to really face for the first time your own vulnerability and mortality.
You are grieving.....and that's ok. Be sad, cry.....then you need to put it away and find the things that were positive.....that you care your best for this patient. That they were comfortable and cared for while they were your patient...that you made them feel better.
See this is where my spirituality....and not necessarily religion...come into play. NUrsing made me realize how little control over things we have.....that when your number is up...it's up. We don't really "save people"....we care for them. We have a gift that makes us the best at what we do....but we have no real control on outcomes.
There is a bigger plan...what that is? I have my personal ideas....but there is a plan and I am here to always do my best and not be so bold as to assume I have actual control on the outcomes. For if I did.....children wouldn't die of cancer....they would not be abused...my BIL would have been cured of his cancer and I would still have my Dad with me.
For me there are reasons...and they are not for me to question.....now to my belief God has a plan and I am not privy to his plan nor can I question HIS judgement...however....when I get to the pearly gates I am requesting an open table discussion about certain outcomes and decisions.. HE made....
SO every day...I don't go to bed angry....I never leave the house or go to sleep without saying I love you. I appreciate every moment even the bad ones because then I know I'm here. I hug my children at every opportunity....I don't say things I can't take back......I appreciate every day.....and when I feel bad I indulge..... then I hug my kids....kiss my husband...enjoy my Friends....and hope tomorrow is another day.
((HUGS)).....if this continues to bother you then I would talk to someone....or just go see your PCP. I am sorry for your loss....((HUGS))