codependency

Wow. This thread spoke to me.

Are we living the same life? Only thing is, I'm almost done with nursing school and now not sure what to do when I start WORKING.

Good day, sckooshy1:

I only know of a situation like this from the receiving end as my father was/is an alcoholic and severely abused my mother who was/is co-dependant. My abuse started sometime around 6 (I'm 51 as I write this reply). We were poor to start with my dad working maybe 3 months out of any given year, and being on unemployment until it ran out before trying to get a job; my mom would work here and there (at the time, she didn't have a high school diploma), and my grandparents helped out as they could. To make the long story short, the children (even if they are not physically abused) are being hurt every single day in that situation. As a person of faith, I do believe in the power of prayer; but, I also struggle with that since free will does exist, God only forces someone into a must change perspective (in my experience) if that person is going against the direct will of God (in the Bible, that only happened a handful of times in terms of free will being impacted). Since we cannot change anyone (super period), we can only change (or try to) ourselves.

In my moms case, the abuse (of her and I) continued until my dad throw me through a cast iron guard rail (the rail broke, and thankfully my body didn't) when I was 19; she got a court protection order, and had him taken out of the house. While they did get back together several months later, at least the physical abuse stopped (and I was soon out of the house myself).

Are you safe where you are located? Are your children safe? Have you talked with your children as to how they feel, and what they are going through?

If you have close friends, talk to them; if you have close family members, talk to them. You need help as do your children.

Hugs

Flemingrl83- I am a Christian and the kids and I attend church. I have several people praying for my husband over the years and have done so myself.

Yes, I knew how he was when I married him, although I was young and he was not on pills then. I have godly wife friends telling me to just pray for him and to practically be a martyr for the faith, and if that means being miserable for another 16 years, then I am going to go nuts more than I already have! I never wanted to break up my family, but it is already broken. I am broken.

Anyone who would tell you to be a martyr and stay is not your friend. Those people don't understand how much you have tried, and how financially and emotionally stressful it is. You are not being selfish but instead you are putting your children's needs first, which is what a responsible mother does

I just want to offer you gentle hugs, love.

For unsolicited (or perhaps it is solicited?) advice....

If your basic needs are not met, or you worry they will not be met, you will struggle to really invest yourself in anything else, especially school. I've just finished nursing school, and from experience I can say you need to know going into it that you have your life together first.

I have three friends who have gone through divorces before school. It's not impossible. It will require help from friends or family with childcare, because clinical days will not fall within school hours perfectly. It will require a solid financial plan that is frugal. If your income is low enough, you will have access to as much financial aid as you need to pay for school. If you are going to a community college or state university, probably federal grants will cover costs, and loans will be available to provide for household bills. Alimony and child support could cover what's left. That said - all of this must be sorted beforehand, through a court so it is legally binding and enforceable. And, unfortunately, you will need to put it in the back of your mind that he very well may still not pay up, even though it is court ordered, so you're going to need to be sure you'll be covered without his money.

Essentially, make a plan first. And then decide if you can do it. I do think in the meantime that school needs to wait while you figure this out. For your sake, and the kids'. I am going to agree with previous posters saying that prayer will not change this. Your courage will. Your ability to plan will. Knowing your own threshold will.

More gentle hugs to you. ❤️

Know that you can do it! Without him! I did it. I stayed in school. I recvd a grant. I got on welfare. I was homeless for awhile. But I graduated. Now I'm a nurse, you can do it!!!

I wonder if it is possible to successfully get through a nursing program when you are married to someone who makes life difficult?

My husband has been hooked on pills for a few years now. All of the sudden, he goes to the rehab place to get suboxone? and I am supposed to believe everything.is all better now? A week ago we got a final notice on our electricity bill! He has been using the little money we have to buy groceries and pay bills, to buy pills from some guy he knows?! What about our kids who need haircuts and shoes?!!

How am I going to survive through a nursing program with a husband that is careless with the money he brings home, doesn't incorporate food into our budget, and is an addict that might possibly be recovering? He works, but I do all the rest.

I cannot stand him anymore and I feel I would OWE him if I stayed with him through nursing school. But, if I quit now to get a job so I can better provide for my kids and myself, just when I am almost ready to apply, then I don't know when I could go to school. Are there programs for single mothers to get financial support for nursing school?

It's either stay, struggle, and deal with this horrible marriage, or leave, struggle, and give up my dream. How can I focus on nursing school if I am angry all the time?

Has anyone else dealt with this?

Your situation sounds identical to mine. I have managed to make it through prereqs with a 3.3 gpa, work full time, and I start in the nursing program this fall. My husband is however doing better. That being said, he still has relapses occasionally and they are usually horrible. I know you hear from a lot of people to get out and that's easy for some to say but not so easy when you are in the situation. No one can decide that but you. This will be a big stressor I'm sure but it can be done. I will do it!!!! Nar-anon is a great place for support. Addicts are sick and loving an addict and understanding is hard. I love my husband and I married him for better or for worse so I'm sticking it out and I pray for a miracle. Addiction changes a person and to those around them all that can be seen is self-centeredness. Sometimes these changes are cause for divorce but this is your decision. I wish you the best of luck whatever your decision. You have the strength so, whatever your decision, don't give up on your dreams! Prayers!

Sent from my iPhone using allnurses. Angi/LPN (?RN)