Help Me Make Peace With Myself
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I've had this question for a very long time but have always been afraid to ask it. I think I am ready to ask but I ask that when you answer, please be kind and realize that I am not asking with ill intentions. I am an RN and have always worked in LTC. Every once in a while we get hospice patients in the nursing home, or one of our current residents get put on hospice. When we have someone on hospice they are usually put on liquid morphine, usually half to one ml per hr prn. The hospice nurses that work with us and the families as well as our DON encourage us to use the meds if the patient looks as though they are at all uncomfortable. As I give the morphine (and sometimes ativan with it) I can watch the patient calm down, slow down, and also their resps slow, which is expected, as morphine will do. So here is the problem, as I am giving more and more of the med, I can usually predict their time of death. For example, the family will tell me that it is time that mom can have more morphine and they think she should have it just to make sure she is not in any pain. As I am giving it, my thought to myself is: this will be the last dose because mom will be gone within the next hour. This dose will slow her breathing to a stop. I am usually correct. Then I feel bad. I feel as though I am Dr. Kavorkian performing an assisted suicide. So my question is, how do I justify this within myself? How can I tell myself that I am not performing assisted suicide? What makes what we do here legal but what Dr. Kavorkian did illegal? Please be kind-I just don't get the difference. I feel like I am doing something wrong.