Seeking advice - dealing with 17-year old sister
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Hello all,
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I thought I might ask advice from the pros, because I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I'm extremely worried about my younger sister, J (there's an almost 20 years difference in our ages). She has a history of cutting herself, has repeatedly threatened suicide, expresses an interest in masochism, and exhibits mood swings and manipulative behavior that are starting to make me wonder about borderline personality disorder. Yes, I know, that's not an appropriate diagnosis for a teenager, but ...
She is self-focused to the extreme. If I, or anyone, talk to her about herself she listens with an intensity that is almost uncomfortable *until* something is said that she doesn't want to hear, at which point she becomes agitated, sometimes to the point where she is not very coherent. She has told all of us elaborate, detailed lies, and recently talked to me at length about how she considers lying and even hurting the feelings of others perfectly justifiable as a means for getting what she wants/needs. Yesterday she told mom calmly and matter-of-factly that she doesn't love her, and has no intention of trying to make their relationship better.
Our parents divorced last year after 37 years of marriage, but this is not the source of J's problems (although it certainly doesn't help). She has demonstrated problems with coping since she was about 13. Near the end of 8th grade she received a 5-day suspension for responding to a boy who verbally teased her - she said, "If I had a gun, I'd shoot you." Truly, I don't think she meant anything by it, but in the post-Columbine atmosphere she was immediately branded a potential threat, by other kids and parents. By high school she had adopted Gothic makeup and jewelry, which I'm not making a value judgement on, but it moved her far out of the mainstream of her small, conservative private school. After my parents divorce she and both of my parents were all in agreement that she would live with mom, and she campaigned long and hard for mom to move to a house within the school district where her boyfriend (at the time) lived. That eventually came to pass, so she's now attending this other high school. That is, when she chooses to go to school. She frequently complains of various ailments to avoid having to go to school. About 10 days ago she was suspended from school for a day for a verbal attack, complete with liberal use of the F word, on a teacher. She is also failing her math class. However, she insists that school is "fine."
This is not the best time in my parent's lives, however, they are both loving and supportive with J. Her response is to constantly bug my dad for "stuff" - cool gadgets, expensive entrees at restaurants, etc. and to continually push my mother's buttons.
About 4 months ago my mother enrolled J (with her agreement) in a counseling program for teens at risk. Because of the documented incidents at school, the program is free. Her only diagnosis is depression, and she's been prescribed Zoloft 75mg. I have met J's counselor (an MSN psych nurse) and she seems to feel that J and my mother have to come to some joint agreement about limits and what's acceptable and what's not. I'm sure that's appropriate, but my sister's behavior, and even her thought processes, seem to me to be getting worse, not better. She has complained for months about her menstrual periods and said that they worsen her mood considerably. So when my mother makes arrangements for her to see a GYN, and possibly get a scrip for birth control to help regulate things, J refuses the bc. ?????
I'm sorry for the rambling, I'm just kinda worn out. I love each member of my family very much, but sometimes I feel like all of their upheaval, especially my sister's, is more than I can handle. Thanks for listening.
~Leigh