Hello, It is a terrible experience, and I feel so shameful to share, but I really need some advice to help me out of this deep dark hole ---I am so lost in L&D. I didn't have any confidence now...I don't know if it is my problem - am I too stupid or - the environment just not good for me.... Although it was very tough and challenging, I have survived in L&D for 6 months, including 10 weeks orientation. I used to take care of two pts in the night shift, no matter how hard or easy my pts were. I gradually built up my confidence. However, after one day, I lost all my confidence. I feel my knowledge and ability are still in the orientation level. I am totally lost - I doubt my ability, judgment, and knowledge... I delivered a baby without doctor's presence today. Mother and baby's outcome were good. Apgar score 8-9, Perineum one degree laceration, and the pt and her family appreciated my help and said I was a great nurse. However, it did prove my poor judgment - I missed the best time to call the doctor, especially when the pt was G1P0 and on Epidural. I know it was unforgivable, especially in doctor's eyes, but I did try my best. The baby's water bag was so hard and big that I could not evaluate the fetus's station accurately (I am a new grad, but I thought it is not our scope of practice to break the water bag. Even if I could, it was very hard to break, which was proved after I delivered the bag). The pt's contraction was not strong, and she refused to push because she c/o back pain (she had already labored down for one hour) . I spent most of time encouraging her, changing her position so she could try to push without hurt her back. When I noticed that I could see the quarter size of water bag, I realized that I need to call the MD. However, the pt's contraction suddenly changed to very strong and effective. She pushed the water bag and baby's head all the way out ! (She was on epidural,but she couldn't control her push at that time - can anybody believe that?) I didn't have time to think, the only thing I could do was to break the bag, and tried to pull the baby out, and at the same time, let family to go outside to ask for help! My coworker helped me to finish the rest part. The doctor arrived two minutes later after the baby out... He was very mad at me...He did not remember that I already notified him half an hour earlier that pt had pushed for more than 30 minutes, and push not effective, water bag bulging, and fetus's head low.... I felt like I was totally an idiot - what poor judgment I had! I should have called him earlier. Why didn't I ???? You might be wondering why I didn't call my charge nurse earlier. That is another story. I was scheduled to work in the day shift for couple of weeks. The charge nurse treated me like I was a totally idiot, no help or support I can get from her . I never could find her when I need her the most! When she was around me, all she did was blaming me all things I had done (when I was in night shift, none of my night charge nurses blamed me). I was very stressful when she was around. I already notified her that my pt was complete and pushing, but she never showed up in my pt's room, nor assigned an OB tech with me. When I pressed the call light, nobody answered me, so I asked family to go outside to get help.... I was scared and frustrated. I had talked to my manager before about the issue, but she said that I am not competent and too dependant. She said that the charge nurse c/o that I could not take two pts at the same time. The fact is I always took two pts at night shift, and the days I could not take 2 pts were that I had difficult pts. Once she assigned me the drug abused pt who cried all the time and was in active labor - pt delivered in two hours from the time she came to the hospital); another time she wanted to assigned me a new admission who was already 6-7cm dilation when I already had an active labor pt ( cervix dilated 5-6cm, first baby, on cervidil, and had recurrent deceleration - because the MD refused to take the cervidil at the beginning, I had to contact him again and again - After the delivery, pt had PP hemorrhage!) The charge nurse was very, very angry when she realized that she could not assign me the second pt. She said that I don't know how to prioritize, not competent, not ready to be a L&D nurse, and she would write me up... I know I am not good enough. I am still new and I am still learning. She is right. I am still slow and not effective as those experienced nurse. But am I really bad as a 6 month new L&D nurse? I never believed her. I trusted myself before today. But after today, I realize that maybe I am not smart... My self confidence was severely impaired by today's incidence and charge nurse and manager's attitude. I began to doubt myself. I could not make a good decision the rest of the day. I even could not give a complete SBAR report. What can I do? How can I survive in this kind of situation? I am also worried that maybe our director will fire me because I am so bad... I am very sorry the story is too long. However, I will really appreciate it if you can give me some guide.