New Workplace Guidelines

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This came across my desk on a day where it just not enough humor

New Workplace Guidelines

Dress code:

1) you are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary

2)if we see you wearing prade shoes and a carrying a gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise

4)if you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and there fore you do not need a raise.

Sick days

we will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement leave:

There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangement in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks

Entirely too much time is spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "chronic offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch break

1) Skinny people will get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

2) Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3) Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim-fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to the company. W are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments concerns, complaints, contemplations, consternation and input should be direct elsewhere.