Losing my ambition

santi_05 said:

I am a fairly ambitious person, who has largely defined themselves by their career/accomplishments. Sometimes I wonder if I should have had a kid/spouse, especially when I hear other nurses talk about how their families give them a sense of purpose/meaning. I just have absolutely no desire for it though. 

I am 35 years old. I have most of my life ahead of me, and 4.5 years of monitoring is not a long time in the grand scheme. I was planning to apply for school to become a CRNA before this happened. Now, I know there is still a chance I can work in the ICU so I can apply once I finish. I am fortunate to be in a position where I don't have any debt or obligations, and enough savings that the reduced income and monitoring fees, etc. I am grateful, don't get me wrong, but it's still a loss to think I have a job, not a career. 

It's been 7.5 months, and in that time I have gone from truly despondent and hopeless to functioning. I started anti-depressants to blunt my emotions, and it has been working tremendously (at one point was worried I would descend into alcoholism). I do everything I am supposed to do, when I am supposed to do it. 

I wanted to share this because it's in our contract that we have to be positively participating in support group so I don't feel comfortable sharing it with the nurses there. If you read this far, thanks I appreciate it!

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What about a private therapist to discuss this with? Don't get married or have kids because of what others do. I know some CRnas who have major issues getting a job and some who stay employed during this he'll. Group therapy is such a waste of time for me.  

I'm in a similar boat as you with the career/job on coasting or whatever we want to call it.  I also have the same issue because I don't feel comfortable with speaking to my therapist who is "approved" by the monitoring agency.  I'm paranoid that if I really say how I feel some days, they will let the monitoring agency know that I'm "unfit" for medical care or whatever.   So therefore, I just lie.  It's ridiculous, this program.

Private therapy is a good idea if you can budget that in monthly.

I wish I could hug you through the screen!! I am right there with you!! I felt the same way and my only saving grace was finding a career outside of nursing. The only advice I can give is to actively seek connection with others who are in your shoes and keeping in touch with your dreams. It would be great if these alternative to discipline programs had an alumni network, or something similiar, which could instill a lot of hope in the beginning.

I think you can start off in something like dialysis or case management for a while, then switch to med-surg and work your way back into critical care. The way I see it, the time will pass anyway. If you spend the next 5 years positioning yourself so you can be in critical care (or already working in critical care) then it won't be a waste. 

Something that has helped me is to try to picture the proverbial finish line. I mean, really try to imagine what it is like to have accomplished your goal, because I think it will still be worthwhile even if it is deferred by a few years. 

I'm so sorry. It does suck. It's an uphill battle unfortunately, but if you love nursing I would try to position yourself in the best way possible so you don't miss out too much when you're done. It'd be great if there was some alumni network of participants who could serve as an inspiration/hope. 

I don't have any suggestions here, just wish you the best!

Sam_0896 said:

I wish I could hug you through the screen!! I am right there with you!! I felt the same way and my only saving grace was finding a career outside of nursing. The only advice I can give is to actively seek connection with others who are in your shoes and keeping in touch with your dreams. It would be great if these alternative to discipline programs had an alumni network, or something similiar, which could instill a lot of hope in the beginning.

I think you can start off in something like dialysis or case management for a while, then switch to med-surg and work your way back into critical care. The way I see it, the time will pass anyway. If you spend the next 5 years positioning yourself so you can be in critical care (or already working in critical care) then it won't be a waste. 

Something that has helped me is to try to picture the proverbial finish line. I mean, really try to imagine what it is like to have accomplished your goal, because I think it will still be worthwhile even if it is deferred by a few years. 

santi_05 said:

I am a fairly ambitious person, who has largely defined themselves by their career/accomplishments. Sometimes I wonder if I should have had a kid/spouse, especially when I hear other nurses talk about how their families give them a sense of purpose/meaning. I just have absolutely no desire for it though. 

I am 35 years old. I have most of my life ahead of me, and 4.5 years of monitoring is not a long time in the grand scheme. I was planning to apply for school to become a CRNA before this happened. Now, I know there is still a chance I can work in the ICU so I can apply once I finish. I am fortunate to be in a position where I don't have any debt or obligations, and enough savings that the reduced income and monitoring fees, etc. I am grateful, don't get me wrong, but it's still a loss to think I have a job, not a career. 

It's been 7.5 months, and in that time I have gone from truly despondent and hopeless to functioning. I started anti-depressants to blunt my emotions, and it has been working tremendously (at one point was worried I would descend into alcoholism). I do everything I am supposed to do, when I am supposed to do it. 

I wanted to share this because it's in our contract that we have to be positively participating in support group so I don't feel comfortable sharing it with the nurses there. If you read this far, thanks I appreciate it!

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At 35 you could still have a spouse and kids if you want.  There is still time.  As to ICU and CRNA, I would take this time to reflect on what brought you to the point of using drugs and or alcohol that led you into a monitoring program.  Do you really want to continue the same career path?  Do you want to go on with the high acuity and stress of ICU and CRNA?  Maybe you want to reflect and look at other career options with lower stress and less access to narcotics, especially re CRNA.  There is life outside of nursing, just my opinion.  I agree it would be wise to have a private therapist you could talk with honestly.  Take the time to figure out where the depression is coming from and how much of it is job related.   Be open to taking a different career path even outside of nursing if that turns out to be a major cause of  the depression.